The script was read/played by:
Narrator: Me
Captain Peables Cannonby: Mac (Fathers Christmas #1)
Carmarthen Bevan: Me
Boris: Dafydd Evans
Bludonna Snow: Mac (Fathers Christmas #1)
ZX Ilfracombe: Me
Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans
The Octnarwhal: Mac (Fathers Christmas #1)
Father Mershlimb Litchfield Cannonby: Del Chris (Fathers Christmas #2)
Baron Bom-Tish: Me
*****
The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
A Cannonby Carol
Narrator
The dusky silhouette of the Sodden Calamity is barely visible against the caliginous twilight seascape, the vessel unadorned by the seasonal fripperies that traditionally bedeck all upfloating schooners in the Christmastime of year. The Calamity's rigging is free of tinsel and faerie lights, no paper chains adorn its sails. Its decks are completely unbedecked with boughs of holly. As are its boughs. As is the hull. And the mast. And there's no mince piece on the poop deck. A poop deck joke, really? Ah, go on then, it is Christmas. But in this, the festivest of all festive seasons, why is this proud ship so unfestive? Why? Why? Why!?
BORIS: Why?
BVN: Why?
SNOW: Why?
ZX: Why?
TEAL:
CNBY: Why what?
BVN: When?
BORIS: Who?
TEAL: How?
CNBY: That's disgusting Stepehn Teal, too many cocks spoil the broth.
BVN: Captain, why aren there no decorations up, you do know it's Iesu Gristmas don't you?
BORIS: I was worried it would be this way, the Captain is just the sort of misguided madman that would ban Christmas.
CNBY: Heresy! I have done no such thing! I have always been an ardent supporter of Christmas, even when Christmas was languishing in the lower divisions, only managing to scrape goalless draws off've less famous religious holidays such as Guru Nanak's Day, the Pentecost and Id-ul-Fitr. Christmas is my best one of all.
BVN: That's not what your brother, who came aboard the ship quietly earlier in the day, said.
CNBY: My brother is aboard the ship? Why in the name of Tigger's rubbery top didn't you say so? It has been so long since I have seen my favourite brother in the whole world, Adoes Cannonby!
BVN: Uhm, it's not that brother.
CNBY: Gilgamesh's stolen blades, it's not Zaltivers Cannonby is it?
BVN: Not that one, either...
CNBY: Not Collrins Cannonby?
BVN: No...
CNBY: My word, could it be Richordes Cannonby?
BVN: It could not.
CNBY: Jupidings Cannonby?
BVN: I'm afraid not.
CNBY: Leggleys Cannonby?
BVN: Not that one either.
CNBY: Lawrunns Cannonby?
BVN: Look, it would be much quicker if I just introduced him.
BORIS: Thank Cruyff for that.
BVN: It is your priestly sibling, Father Mershlimb Litchfield-Cannonby.
CNBY: Oh buttock clench! My blasted half-brother.
FMLC: Now now, Peables, what sort of way is that to greet a blood relative?
CNBY: It is the only way to greet a half-blood. The other half is communion wine!
FMLC: That clumsy analogy doesn't really work, dear Peables.
CNBY: And the other half is holy water!
FMLC: You're merely further confusing the analogy. It is exactly this type of thoughtless scriptwriting that I've come to forewarn you of!
CNBY: A warning, Mershlimb? I neither need nor heed any warnings, I am the invincible Captain, Peables Cannonby!
FMLC: You are a reckless bedlamite and you will meet your end swiftly and painfully should you choose to ignore my counsel.
CNBY: Then speak Father Mershlimb, half Litchfield, half Cannonby, I will do some listening. We have to fill this script somehow, it may aswell be with your story.
FMLC: Tremendous. My cautionary tale concerns your questionable character.
CNBY: Which one? Stephen Teal probably, rubbish character...
TEAL: (interrupting)
FMLC: No, I mean your personality, Peables. You are far too inconsiderate, reckless even. And you're unforgivably one-dimentional...
CNBY: Well what do you expect? I exist only in the realm of sound, it's hard to have many more dimentions when I am essentially comprised of noise and ill-judged whimsy.
FMLC: Peables, hush. On this night, you will be confronted with your own existence, and forced to look yourself in the eye. You will be visited by 3 spirits...
CNBY: VODKA!
FMLC: No, no no! Ghosts!
BORIS: How frighteous.
BVN: Oh, bin bags.
CNBY: Excellent! Bring them on, I say.
BVN: And what sort of noise will signify the appearance of each spirit?
FMLC: Of that, I cannot be certain.
BORIS: We'll probably just ad-lib something then.
CNBY: No, that's not good enough, I insist on being visited right now!
BVN: Oh Captain, you can be such a child...
CNBY:
FMLC: I suppose we should all disperse then, leave Peables alone to be visited.
CNBY: That's right, shove off!
Narrator
And so the crew all rushed to their bunks and cabins, eager to grant the Captain his wish of spirit-visitation, and slightly afraid that they themselves would be subject to the extra-dimentional horrors that were threatening to manifest themselves. The Captain, standing alone on the frigid midnight December deck, waited like a pillock for his first visitor. He did not have to wait very long.
OCNL: CANNONBY YOU TOOTHLESS BUFFOON, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE ONCE AGAIN FOR SUMMONING ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER!
CNBY: Who are you?
OCNL: YOU SCURVY CUR! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALL TOO SOON HOW IT FEELS TO BE CONVERSING WITH AN OCTNARWHAL?
CNBY: Oh right, you are the octnarwhal, the original enemy from the first episode.
OCNL: CORRECT! BUT TODAY, for one day only, I AM ALSO THE GHOST OF CANNONBYS PAST!
CNBY: That is quite apt actually, because that first episode was never recorded, and so newer listeners would have no knowledge of you, which is a pain, as you are fairly key to understanding why Stephen Teal is in the strange shape that he is.
OCNL: HOW CONVENIENT THAT YOU SHOULD MENTION SUCH A THING! I AM HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW YOUR RECKLESS ACTIONS IN PAST CANNONYS HAS NEGATIVELY AFFECTED YOUR CREW.
CNBY: It's going to be a long sequence then...
OCNL: NO, I WILL CHOOSE ONE SPECIFIC EXAMPLE! CAST YOUR EYES OVER THE SCENE CANNONBY, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
CNBY: It is our first meeting... You have leapt aboard the ship and you are offering Teal sweets in order to lure him in...
**this next bit is cut and paste from the 1st episode**
OCNWL: Come here. I have sweets.
TEAL: Well, usually I would never accept sweets from an Octnarwhal but since it is Halloween AAAARGH!
OCNWL: HAHAHAH! NOW I HAVE YOU IN MY INKY TENDRILS!
TEAL: Curse you Octnarwhal, curse you and your octopus tentacles. AAAAAAARGH!
CNBY: What's this ruckus? Good lord! A unicorn!
BVN: No Captain, I think you'll find that is an Octnarwhal.
CNBY: Jordi Cruijff! Get it off my ship!
BVN: Righto.
BVN: Well that's sorted that. Oh man alive, take a look at this...
CNBY: E-gads! Stephen Teal! What's happened to his face?
Narrator
And Carmarthen Bevan looked down upon the face of Stephen Teal, which had become wrapped in the inky tentacle of the fearsome Octnarwhal, and behind the ink, where there used to be eyes, a nose and a mouth, instead, there was one single beige egg. A fortnight later the egg hatched, and Stephen Teal was cursed to live the rest of his life with an Octnarwhal pup for a head.
**
OCNL: A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS I THINK YOU'LL AGREE.
CNBY: It was disgusting! And what do you mean, tragic!? It was your doing, you are the Octnarwhal! Half octopus, half narwhal! You are evil incarnate! You were meant to show me a situation where I, personally, had caused the problem for the crew. In that scene I was a marginal influence at most!
OCNL: TRUE ENOUGH, BUT IT WAS A NIFTY WAY OF RECAPPING THAT LOST EPISODE, I THINK YOU'LL AGREE.
CNBY: By Sonic's spiky blue backbone, get off this vessel you octnarfreak, before I really lose my rag with you.
OCNL: FAREWELL, CANNONBY. FOR NOW!
CNBY: What an absolute tool. The next spirit had better be significantly more pleasing than that.
Narrator
Cannonby had but a few moments to wait before the next spirit revealed himself.
FMLC: Hello, Brother.
CNBY: Mershlimb, can you shove off? I'm waiting for the spirit.
FMLC: I am the second spirit, Peables. I, Father Mershlimb Litchfield-Cannonby, am the Ghost of Cannonbys Present.
CNBY: Jordi Cruijff! How are you going to criticise me for recklessness presently? I have been incredibly well-behaved this episode!
FMLC: Aha! Perhaps not, dear brother. Cast your mind back to the first visitation, you were incredibly rude to the Octnarwhal!
CNBY: He's a baddie! I'm not going to be polite to a baddie! Right, I've had enough of this, Bevan! Bevan!
BVN: (waking) oh, what? what? Oh, so the spirits have been then?
CNBY: How can you tell that?
BVN: Well its all this dry ice everywhere. Nothing says spirit visitation like dry ice. It always leaves me light-headed though. Who's this spirit here then, is he the the source of this heady aroma?
CNBY: He's not heady, he's my brother.
BVN: He's not a spirit though?
CNBY: Apparently so.
BVN: Oh, unusual.
FMLC: I am showing my dear brother the recklessness of his current behaviour.
BVN: Well you are doing a pretty bad job of it. You should probably shove off.
CNBY: Yes, do shove off Mershlimb, I want the next ghost. Bevan, escort him to his cabin.
FMLC: Now wait just one
BVN: No, come on now, no moaning from you Father, come on...
CNBY: (sighing) Good grief. I hope this last visitation is better than that.
Narrator
Once again, Cannonby had very little time to wait before he was confronted by the final apparation.
BORIS: Captain! Captain!
CNBY: Oh, Boris, you aren't the last apparition are you?
BORIS: No, of course not! I came to tell you about a rumpus in my cabin...
CNBY: (interrupting) Now Boris, this really is no time for boasting about your sexual exploits...
BORIS: (interrupting) No! The apparition appeared there!
CNBY: Ah, sorry old boy.
BORIS: So is my old boy. Ah! Here it comes!
CNBY: What form of apparition are you?
TISH: I am the Ghost of Cannonbys Yet to Come!
CNBY: Yes!
TISH: Why do you celebrate so?
CNBY: When you are as reckless as me, you are just pleased that there are Cannonbys to come!
TISH: You should not be so pleased, Peables Cannonby! For whilst future instalments do exist, in potentia, to every yin there is a yang. And for every hero, there must be a nemesis.
BORIS: Did you just refer to Cannonby as the hero?
CNBY: I am heroic as huff, comrade.
TISH: This is an actual warning to you Cannonby, should you continue on your reckless way, you will cross paths with me. And it will not be a pleasant meeting.
CNBY: Well boy, who are you?
TISH: For now, it is enough for you to know me as the Butcher of Bellendium, I am known across the seas as The Burgundy Baron.
CNBY: Well I've never heard of you.
TISH: Well, you're ignorant.
CNBY: That is very true. It's also useful in terms of the narrative.
TISH: So long for now Cannonby, forget me not.
CNBY: Toodle pip Baron, azalea!
BORIS: Captain, did you really not recognise that man?
CNBY: No Boris, I am incredibly ignorant.
BORIS: That was Baron Bom-Tish, the most feared man to have holidayed in south-western Cornwall!
CNBY: A terrifying CV Boris, and no mistake. I don't really understand the thought process of those spirits though, they have done a catastrophically bad job at convincing me to change my ways. In fact, with the promise of Bom-Tish on the horizon, I am more dedicated than ever to my recklessness! Reckless be damned! I want to wreck more!
BORIS: Looks like we're in for a rough one then.
CNBY: (booming laughter)
Narrator
So while the visitations completely to be Christmas-themed, they did succeed in clearing up potential lack of understandings regarding Teal's octnarwhalisation, and they also lay out the dramatic bait for Cannonby to chase. Which he will, of course. He is an idiot, after all. A reckless, ignorant idiot. The Captain and Boris returned swiftly to their cabins to rest up for the morning, as it was getting quite late, what with all the ghosts appearing and all. In the morning, the crew rose to find the ship completely covered in trimmings, which had appeared as if by convenience. I beg you pardon, as if by magic. The crew frollicked around for awhile in the fresh falling snow, which had also began falling, and they Christmassed happily ever after. Well, until next weeks equally haphazard instalment, of things what Cannonby gets up to!
*****
Back into the Vinehaven Arc this week. Possibly. If I start writing now.
Damnation.
We arll wit you a vary marry Chimacrac!
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