Return to the story, although this was, in my opinion, a poor edition.
The script was read/played by:
Narrator: Me
Cannonby: Danielle Jenkins
Carmarthen Bevan: Me
Boris: Dafydd Evans
Doktor: Me
Teal: Dafydd Evans.
*****
Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
The Second Coming(-To) of Snow
Narrator
The last time we heard from our laborious heroes-in-inverted-commas they had succeeded in transporting an unconscious Bludonna Snow, in the middle of the night, to the clinic of the renowned physician Doktor Li Faiseas. This stop-off was an occurence which sidetracked the crew from their actual goal, which is the visitation and plunder of world-famous grape-capital of the world; Vinehaven. How much longer can this tangential dilly-dallying continue?
CNBY: Curse that unconscious witch Bludonna Snow, stealing all the damn storylines, how much longer can this tangential dilly-dallying continue?
BVN: Oh Captain really, have a heart, she was crushed and battered by a battalion of infuriated seals.
CNBY: I have no sympathy for those who club seals and are subsequently battered by them. She has been hoist by her own sealy petard. She has made her sealy bed, and now she has to sealing well lay in it! She has crafted for herself a sealy coffin, and now, though her seal clubbing actions, she has sealed herself in her seal coffin with a huge final nail. Which was crafted from the bone of a seal. Which she'd previously clubbed. I feel I have made my point satisfactorily.
BVN: Congratulations.
CNBY: Thank you, Bevan. I will now give a reading from my second epic poem, entitled "Sealing the Pun Jar For All Eternity, One Laboured Pun at a Time: Part 2" On a distant beach, overrun by seals / stands a freaky monster man, whose name is Stephen Teal...
TEAL: (interrupting)
CNBY: Now that is disgusting, Teal. What do I always tell you...
BORIS: (interrupting breathlessly and excitedly) Comrades! Comrades! The Doktor says Bludonna will be okay!
BVN: Oh excellent, looks like we'll finally be getting to the exciting bits of the story now.
CNBY: Bah! Damnable overly-resilient seal-clubbing harridan. She is nothing more than a jumped up pun!
BORIS: You test our friendship comrade, you do wrong to slander Bludonna in this way.
CNBY: Have you so short a memory, dear Boris, that you have forgotten just how it was that we came about each other?
BORIS: (a bit sheepishly) Well, she was trying to attack Stephen Teal... But you hate Stephen Teal!
BVN: Oh come on now, hate is a bit strong.
TEAL:
CNBY: Boris, Boris, Boris. You have got me all wrong. I don't hate Stephen Teal, he is a key member of the team, and a great bloke besides! He is just a little bit, you know, disgusting headually. (pronounced: head-jew-ully).
TEAL:
BVN: No complaints there now Teal, it is disgusting.
BORIS: But you can't hold that against her, surely! It has been so long, times have changed. She is in dire need, you simply cannot leave her in this strange land.
CNBY: She is used to strange lands Boris, she comes from one!
BORIS: That is an incredibly xenophobic outburst, Comrade.
CNBY: Well I am incredibly blinkered and narrow-minded, it's what makes me such a good Captain. And don't call me comrade, Boris. I am the Captain, and you will treat me as such!
BORIS: I will treat you like the Captain when you start acting like one.
CNBY: (copying in a childish high pitched voice) I will treat you like the Captain when you blarularularularupffff.
BVN: I'm glad we've managed to deal with this in a mature and sensible manner.
BORIS: He started it.
CNBY: Here me now Boris ol buddy ol chum. If Bludonna is to accompany us for any length of time, she will have to agree to my rules. And to be completely frank, I'm not certain she is capable of turning over such a new seal.
BVN: You mean leaf.
CNBY: Turning over a new seal is significantly more difficult Bevan. And infinitely more rewarding.
BVN: Captain, you astound me.
CNBY: Well, I am astouding as huff, Bevan. As huff.
BORIS: So if Bludonna promises to behave, can we keep her Captain, can we? Pleasepleasepleaseplease(etc).
CNBY: Oh, hush the huff up Boris! She can journey with us to Vinehaven, but only under very strange and troubling circumstances would I even consider accepting her into the crew!
BVN: I sense very strange and troubling circumstances on the horizon.
TEAL:
BVN: Oh, bin bags.
BORIS: Fear not! Bludonna will be a valuable asset on our trip to Vinehaven!
BVN: Well if this story was written slightly more thoughtfully that would certainly be the case, but I have an inkling she is only joining us so that we will have an extra silly voice to do.
CNBY: Bevan! How could you suggest such a thing?!
BVN: It's in the script.
CNBY: Enough of breaking the fourth wall! If you don't stop you'll tear a hole in time and space and we'll be sucked into the real world!
BORIS: That is an interesting idea you've squandered thoughtlessly into a throwaway line.
CNBY: Well I am a very haphazard man. Anyway, it simply isn't true that Bludonna is only in the story to give us an excuse to do a silly voice. She hasn't actually spoken for about a month!
DOKTOR: I have great news for you gentlemen! Bludonna has awakened.
SNOW: Aaah! After ten thousand years I'm free, it's time to conquer Earth!
BORIS: (elated) Bludonna!
BVN: Really? Really!? Building up dramatic tension for her first line in ages, and it is a line which has been thieved wholesale from the opening of the early to mid-nineties childrens live action martial arts-em-up Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, in the hope that people would find that amusing?
CNBY: Bevan! Bludonna's escaped! Blah blah-blah-blah teenagers with attitude!
BORIS: What is this "blah-blah-blah" nonsense?
BVN: Well no one's really sure what Zordon said so that'll have to do.
CNBY: This week's Cannonby has become something of a monster hasn't it?
SNOW: MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!!!!
Narrator
And with that retroactive roar, the crew stood around, slightly embarrassed, wishing that the script had made slightly more sense, and that progress had been made, rather than just amusing certain members of the crew with references to the television shows they watched as children. At least we've discovered that Rita Repulsa, sorry, Bludonna Snow will be joining the crew, at least partway into Vinehaven. Her fighting skills, honed over years of clubbing seals, will be invaluable should they encounter any monsters on their travels. Monsters such as a:
Mastodon!
Pteradactyl!
Triceratops!
Saber-tooth Tiger!
Tyrannasaurus!
Look, I'm really sorry. I promise there won't be any more Power Rangers references. Unless the crew are beset by a:
Dragonzord!
or even a:
Tigerzord!
No, seriously now. I will stop. Please listen again next week. I promise it will be written properly. I promise. Promise. Go-go Cannonby, mighty random Cannonby-ee-ee.
*****
It continues.
@adamgilder
www.theacre.net
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