Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
Agian Spider! Again!
Narrator
Previously in Cannonby; we left the intrepid, I beg your pardon, idiotic crew of Captain Peables Cannonby, slowly working their way through the verdant, lush forestry that leads up to the grape and raisin capital of the world; Vinehaven. Boris, Bludonna and Bevan were accosted by the steel-plated Katanapillar, a colossal caterpillar with samurai blades for appendages, and they were able to overcome this fearsome creature thanks to Bludonna's super-human clubbing abilities. In contrast to this, Cannonby, Ivan and Stephen Teal's run in with the fiendishly frightening Agian Spider did not go so well, with Ivan Oleinme being forced to do battle with the creature alone, as Cannonby was trapped in the silk-steel web of the creature, and Stephen Teal ensconced in an Agian cocoon. But we're going to check in with The 'B' Team rather than going straight back into Ivan's crisis, so as to drag out the drama some more, so there.
BORIS: What is that horrific ruckus?
BEVAN: From how far away it was, I don't think I could make it any more specific than your offering of: 'horrific ruckus'. Sorry.
SNOW: What are you talking about!? Clearly that was the sound of an Agian Spider leaving it's lagoon-based nest to rampage through the forest, laying waste to any foolish pirates that may be wandering around its forest guts.
BEVAN: (exasperated) Now how can you possibly know that? You haven't been reading the scripts again have you?
SNOW: (shocked) How dare you? I am a consummate professional fictional character, what sort of fictional character would I be if I went around reading the script?
BORIS: A very lazy one?
BEVAN: One who thought that breaking the fourth wall in a postmodern manner is a substitute for jokes?
BORIS: One who was about to end this postmodern cyclone by making a niche game reference in the form of a curse or an exclamation?
SNOW: Ride the shoopuf!? Anyway, who are you to be questioning my scouting abilities Carmarthen Bevan?
BEVAN: That's right yes, I am Carmarthen Bevan.
SNOW: Very clever, yes, very clever indeed, I'm sure you think you are a very clever sausage don't you Bevan?
BEVAN: I did exceptionally well in my eleven-plus.
SNOW: Hush you! Through many years of living rough as I travelled the world in my seal-clubbing adventures I am become fully attuned to the voice of nature, I am one with the land, we live in a tender symbiotic co-existence. Like Bugenhagen from off've the Final Fantasy 7, or Uma Thurman from off've the Avatar in 3D.
BEVAN: I am amazed.
BORIS: You are right to be, Bludonna can paint with all the colours of the wind!
BEVAN: Like Pocahontas from off've the Pocahontas?
BORIS: Exactly like that, yes!
BEVAN: I am doubly amazed.
SNOW: And with my powers I can detect that Cannonby is stuck in an Again spider's web, and Stephen Teal is trapped in an Agian cocoon, with Ivan Oleinme slash ZX Ilfrancombe is about to face the creature alone.
BORIS: (like a magician's assistant) AMAZING!
BEVAN: Oh bin bags, I hope you are mistaken.
SNOW: Mistakes are things that happen to other people, dear Bevan.
BEVAN: What about when those seals mauled you?
SNOW: Yep, I am never mistaken.
Narrator
Meanwhile, on the banks of the Agian lagoon.
SPID: Oho! Two contestants have gone through to the next round, but don't worry, no one goes home empty handed!
IVAN: Cursedy cursedy curse curse. I cannot defeat the spider by myself. This is it! It's morphin time! ILFRACOMBE!
SPID: Oho! You want to phone a friend? Seems this robot contestant is 50/50!
ZX: SILENCE YOU ARACHNIDIOT! I WILL SEE YOU INTO THE SPIDER AFTERLIFE WITH A BLAST FROM GROIN THUNDER, MY THUNDEROUS BLUNDERBUSS, WHICH IS, amusingly, LOCATED IN MY GROIN. Who says scientists don't have a sense of humour. BLAST!
SPID: Oho! It's the quick fire round!
ZX: HE IS TOO AGILE, HE IS ABLE TO AVOID MY BLUNDERBALLS!
SPID: The contestant is a fast one ladies and gentleman, but not fast enough I'm afraid. We really wanna crush those fingers!
ZX: CURSES! HAVE ANOTHER VOLLEY YOU ACCURSED CRITTER!
SPID: Oho! Time for round two, get your fingers off those buzzers, dirty boy!
ZX: I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY THE LIKES OF YOU.
SPID: Oho! And our survey says? (over the top disappointment) Ohhhhh so sorry! it's not on the board. Time for tonight's star prize!
ZX: EGADS! HE'S SPINNING SOME KIND OF LOG MADE OUT OF WEB. A WEB LOG.
SPID: It seems we are at loggerheads.
ZX: WAIT, THAT'S JUST A PUN, IT'S NOT A GAME SHOW REFERENCE!
SPID: HAYAH!
ZX: AAAAAAAARGGGGGHH!
SPID: Oh, no winners this time on Takeshi's Castle.
Narrator
But suddenly, bursting through the underbrush.
SNOW: I told you, Agian spider!
BORIS: Oh my sweet Mao Tse-Tung (Maww-T-Say-Twng)!
SPID: Oh, it's good but it's not right, let's have a look at what you could have won!
BORIS: I cannot believe the scene of carnage that I see before me, the Captain unconscious on the webs, being stunned by the electric eels…
SPID: (if possible saying it over the top of 'Electric Eels') ELECTRONIC EEEEEELS!
BORIS: There is a cocoon off in the distance on the lagoon which I can only assume contains Stephen Teal, and the scrapped mess of ZX Ilfracombe, with a jutting web log coming out of him, oh my god!
BEVAN: I am metaphorically speechless.
SPID: BRING ON THE WALL!
Narrator
Well I am stunned. What carnage. And Boris got that explanatory monologue at the end, perhaps to make up for the lack of lines he had beforehand, so I'm not really sure what I am supposed to say really. Half of our heroes are incapacitated, how can they possibly fight back from this? Bloody Nora! I am so anxious I think I'll burst if this isn't resolved right now this second! Oh wait, no, I'm calming down now. Whooo~. Okay, I'm sorted now. I can wait until next week, when we will get to see just how Goku and Krillin escape the terrifying clutches of Frieza oh wait no, it's a possible resolution to the terror that has befallen our raggy dolls, in THE TALES OF CANNONBY!
*****
As ever, more Cannonby this weekend. Which is tomorrow as I write this. How exciting is that? Pretty exciting? Excitingish.
Fine, listen in anyway if you can: 12-3 on www.rhonddaradio.com.
One love, rasta.
@adamgilder
www.theacre.net
