The script was read/played by:
Narrator: Me
Cannonby: Pat Carrol
Carmarthen Bevan: Me
Boris: Dafydd Evans
Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans
Doktor Faiseas: Pat Carrol
*****
The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
The First Snow Fall
Narrator
Beached atop the shores of the Zanar Sands, the Sodden Calamity is a silent vision of wooden immovability, a colossus at rest. Its myriad inhabitants are scattered along the beach, enjoying the briefest respite from the ludicrous misadventures which unceasingly befall them. Their rest is aided further by the removal of the frenetic influence of the Captain himself, as Cannonby and his least mistrusted officers have made for the nearest settlement, in order to procure medical assistance for the unconscious Bludonna Snow. As the daylights slowly wanes, the group keep the far-off flickering lantern light of civilisation in their sights, as they continue onward towards Digh-Dunniaets...
CNBY: Remember men, keep the far-off flickering lantern light of civilisation in your sights as we continue onward towards Digh-Dunniaets!
BVN: Captain, how can you be so sure that the town is definitely Digh-Dunniaets?
CNBY: It's all written in the maps we have onboard the Calamity.
BVN: But you can't read those maps.
CNBY: I know, Boris has been reading them.
BORIS: Yes it most certainly is Digh-Dunniaets. I have spent almost every tea-time poring over our maps in order to learn about this region.
CNBY: You poured tea over our maps! No wonder I can't read them!
BVN: So there'll be a Doctor in this town for sure? I mean there's no reason for Teal to carry Bludonna all this way if she's not going to receive the appropriate medical treatment at the end of it.
TEAL:
BORIS: Most definitely, a world-renowned Doctor resides in Digh-Dunniaets.
CNBY: World-renowned eh? I live in the world, I have probably heard of him.
BORIS: His name is Doktor Faiseas.
BVN: So-called because he specialises in faces?
BORIS: No! His name is Doktor Faiseas!
CNBY: So-called because he specialises in faeces?
BORIS: No! His name is Doktor Faiseas!
CNBY: So-called because he sails the figh seas?
BORIS: That one doesn't even make sense!
CNBY: Don't criticise my genius wordplay Boris, I get flustered when I am mad, and the last thing we need in this situation is some hot cross puns.
BVN: Oh, bin bags. We're all getting a little bit miffed now aren't we. I think perhaps we should have a track, and then we'll come back to the story when we are closer to the town, and we've all calmed down a little bit, okey doke?
Teal barks affirmatively and everyone else mumbles 'Okay' etc.
BVN: Wonderful.
CNBY: FINALLY! We have reached the town. What an arduous trek! We walked so hard I thought I'd wear my legs to nubbins! (laughing heartily)
BVN: Yes, well, maybe spare a thought for Stephen. He's had to carry Ms Snow all this way.
TEAL:
CNBY: Nonsense, she's not heavy, she's Bludonna.
BORIS: We should hurry and find Doktor Faiseas!
CNBY: So-called because he works with Caiaphas and Annus?
BVN: A niche joke about the pharisees for you there.
BORIS: (shouting) WILL YOU STOP MOCKING THE DOKTOR?!
VOICE: What is all this ruckus in the middle of the town in the middle of the street in the middle of the night?
BORIS: It's the Doktor!
BVN: How can you tell?
BORIS: The giant stethoscope, obviously.
BVN: Ah yes, a bit of a giveaway.
DOKTOR: Will one of you please explain what business you have etching a line of obnoxious rumpus through the town?
BORIS: Please great Doktor, our comrade...
CNBY: She's no comrade of mine!
BORIS: Our comrade has suffered grave injuries at the flippers of a seal horde, and needs urgent medical attention. Help us Obi Wan Kenobi, your our only hope.
DOKTOR: Please, call me Li. Bring the injured into the house.
BVN: Action at last, that's a relief...
CNBY: Hold it one button-bashing minute! She may be injured but she is still my hostage. Mine! Do you understand Doktor? Mine! She is mine! She's my Li Faiseas!
BVN: She most certainly does not have a smiley faces. Truth be told she is an angry young woman, grimacing even when she's unconscious...
BORIS: That's it, you two stay outside!
TEAL:
CNBY: Well I never! I thought I was the Captain!
BVN: Are you the tin where you keep the caps? The caps tin?
CNBY: Carmarthen Bevan! Please try to understand when the puns are done, dear me old friend, that is one pun too many...
Narrator
And so Doktor Li Faiseas, Boris and Stephen Teal clamber into the clinic, rushing Bludonna to the nearest empty palette to ensure that she could finally avail herself of some valuable rest, away from the bickering and punning of Cannonby and Bevan. For as everyone knows, laughter is the best medicine, but puns are poison! Or maybe a virus. The Doktor begins to examine Bludonna thoroughly, and then he checks to see what's wrong with her. Could it be more than just a light concussion? There were a lorra lorra seals a-crushun'. Maybe her accent will no longer be Russian... And just when are the crew going to get back on track to Vinehaven? Grapes don't eat themselves you know... The answers to some of these questions may very well surface, in the next slipshod instalment, of Captain Cannonby's Tales.
*****
We're still on live, but now we have also launched the podcast, it is up on our brand-spunking inaugural, whooshy website: www.theacre.net .
PODCAST!
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