The script was played/read by:
Narrator: Me
Cannonby: Danielle Jenkins
Carmarthen Bevan: Me
Boris: Dafydd Evans
Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans
Bludonna Snow: Danielle Jenkins
*****
Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
To Zanar Sands
Cue 'Here I Go Again - Whitesnake' for Bludonna's introduction.
Narrator
Beneath the clear skies of blue, the pirate galleon Sodden Calamity is living up to its name, as it ploughs inexorably onward, bearing down unerringly on the bronzed shoreline of The Zanar Sands. As the ship nears the coast, its progress becomes stilted, and the ship begins to struggle to maintain its steady pace. Deckhands begin to clamor along the rails of the ship, casting their gaze into the breaking surf, flailing their limbs in surprise and passing hurried communication between themselves. Striding purposefully and assuredly across the boards that were his own, comes Captain Cannonby, eager to learn the nature of the delay...
CNBY: What is this hullaboo? Speak swiftly men, I am eager to learn the nature of this delay!
BORIS: There seems to be some miscellaneous detritus clogging up the sea. It is solid in nature, and the ship is having trouble passing through it.
CNBY: Confounded flotsam and jetsam! And so close to the beach! I am eager for grapes, I won't tolerate another moment's delay!
BVN: I can't seem to make out the precise nature of these floating obstacles, there're just so many of them in there, all packed in together.
TEAL:
CNBY: What's that Lassie?
TEAL:
CNBY: Little Maximilian has fallen into the latrine?
BORIS: I believe he is alerting us to the true nature of the sea-obstacles. He is in tune with the ocean, after all, having such an oceanic head on his shoulders.
BVN: I assume you are referring to his octnarwhal-disfiguration.
BORIS: Yes, he has an affinity with sea-mammals.
CNBY: Well we can all see mammals Stephen Teal, there's no need to show off, you spikey headed jerk.
BORIS: Captain, it seems our way is being blocked by a floating armada of seals.
CNBY: Heavens! Well well, when I first set to sea sea sea, my aim was to see see see all that I could see see see, and never in the wildest dreams of Francis of Assissississississi did I imagine that all that I wouldn't be able to see see see the sea sea sea for the seals seals seals.
BVN: Captain, isn't that monologue just an upgrade of a similar self-indulgent rhyme based outburst you made in the very first episode?
CNBY: Well Bevan, there is no recording of that inaugural tale, and so no-one will ever be aware that I am vaguely repeating myself, and even if they are, then you can simply put it down to my premature senility and ever-inflaming dementia.
BVN: Well it's good to know you've considered it at least.
CNBY: I may be an exponent of poor comedy and mad as a pyromaniac oil tycoon, but I understand I am accountable for the repetition of my own jokes.
BVN: Well that's very decent of you Captain, I think if more...
BORIS: (speaking over the track intro) That theme! It cannot be..!
SNOW: All my seal-clubbing Christmasses have come at once! (manic laugh)
BORIS: (surprised) Bludonna!
BVN: Well I'm not really surprised, where there's seals to be clubbed, there's Bludonna Snow.
BORIS: Well I'm not hugely surprised either, that was simply the way I was instructed to deliver the line in the script directions.
CNBY: Enough! There's nothing clever about post-modernism. And I should know. Its what it says in the script.
ADAM: CUT!
Whoever's Playing CNBY: (casually) What?
ADAM: I felt as though that take lacked direction, you know. It sort of tailed off into unfocused (postmodernism), I mean we want a tighter script and this has been the most haphazard one yet. There's all sorts of thigns meant to be happening this week. The seals were meant to fuse into a huge mega-seal and battle Bludonna, and now after all this guff there's no time for it.
DAF: Well to be fair this is community radio Gild, there's no budget for the sort of professional CG you'd need to animate that sort of fight scene.
ADAM: I suppose.
DAF: I understand its a bit gutting to have to axe the big fight scene, but we'll have to make do with the script for now. We can tinker in post-production.
ADAM: Alright. ACTION!
SNOW: There's too many of them!
BORIS: Bludonna! She is being overrun by the sheer volume of seals!
CNBY: Justice in action!
TEAL:
CNBY: Hah! That's the octnarwhal pup-headed freak calling the seals Teal!... Even for me that doesn't make sense.
BORIS: I implore you comrade, save her!
CNBY: Well, I am a merciful God! Bevan, you know the drill...
BVN: (sighing) I'll go get ZX.
CNBY: Marvellous!
Narrator
And so Bevan extricated the compound frame of ZX Ilfracombe from the bowels of the ship. ZX was far and away the ship's most fearsome warrior, and with the addition of the spirit of Ivan Oleinme to his repertoir, he was nothing short of a medieval mobile death-bringing widget. Upon catching sight of the fearsome figure, the seals dispersed in horror, and offered up the unconscious body of Bludonna Snow, which was swiftly air-lifted to safety. Well, to the relative safety of the Sodden Calamity. It seems the crew's quest for grapes has been sidetracked by the unexpected seal riot. But having been previously knocked out by Bludonna, the Captain's motives for her rescue may not be as simple as basic human compassion... What truly lies behind the Captain's decision? Where do Boris' true loyalties lie? Why is Stephen Teal so disgusting? How many countries currently use the Euro? Some answers may be forthcoming, in future instalments of The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby!
*****
Shows as always every Saturday and Sunday at 12 until 3 pm.
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Cheers all.
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