Journal of Cannonby: Now I Know How Joan of Ark Felt

The title of this one has less relevance to the script than they usually do. I was listening to The Smiths as I was struggling for a title, because the story in this one was particularly all over the place, so no one thing could sum it all up. So I just wrote the lyric in. It makes about as much sense as the actual story.

The script was read/played by:

Narrator: Me

Cannonby: Dev Vhardi

Bevan: Me

Boris: Dafydd Evans

ZX Ilfracombe: Me

Doktor: Dev Vhardi

Nurse: Me

Vino: Dev Vhardi

Crimson Maude: Dafydd Evans

Hazel: Me

*****

Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby

Now I know how Joan of Ark felt

Narrator

Well, what do you want me to say? Nothing has really happened for the last month so it seems fairly unnecessary to do a recap, but I suppose I'd better had. Teal and Bludonna have been captured by the cannibalistic Priests of Vinehaven, and almost every other major character is amassed somewhere, still fairly lost within the dense forestry outside the hidden walls of the citadel. Doktor Li Faiseas and his able assistant Uh Nurse are tending to the weakened crew; Cannonby, Bevan and Boris. Of course there're limits to how far they can help ZX Ilfracombe, as the medics specialise in human biology, and are poorly equipped to tamper with the industrial exoskeleton that sheathes the human bits of ZX.

Boris: I am really concerned about the cyborg, he's fizzing and popping a bit. It was so long ago that I can't remember whether he was in the lagoon or not, but if he was that water couldn't have been good for him.

Cnby: (banging as though slapping ZX on the back) Nonsense! ZX is a sturdy piece of equipment! He's built like a behemoth! In the highlands where he was constructed they called him the Iron Giant. And with the added assistance of the spirit of Ivan Oleinme he is even capable of withstanding Ragnarok!

Bevan: I see you are staying true to last weeks promise of more Final Fantasy references.

Cnby: Tonberry King!

Boris: Jumbo Cactuar!

Bevan: Geezard!

Cnby: Wendigo!

Boris:

Bevan: Oh, bin bags.

Doktor: The desire to hit you is very tempting / Though I can understand what you are attempting / You are trying to really nail the Final Fantasy niche / but random references aren't funny, capiche?

Bevan: Well, we'll never know unless we try…

Boris: And it works for Family Guy.

Nurse: Well, it's causing our metallic patient to get quite stressed.

Doktor: And he's already in quite a mess / Better to just give it a rest.

Boris: I agree.

Bevan: Yes.

Boris: We have to plan how to rescue Bludonna and the freak.

Cnby: He is disgusting. I say leave them, they just get in the way and clog the script up with their needless dialogue.

Bevan: Oh Captain, what an awful thing to say. Bludonna and Teal get a tiny percentage of the dialogue, especially when compared to some of the lengthy diatribes you get.

Cnby: Well that's a load of hogwash! The characters who have the largest percentage of dialogue are probably you and Boris, or perhaps its been skewed in recent weeks by the ridiculously epic poems that the Doktor and Nurse seem to be performing on a weekly basis now. No, don't argue Bevan! And even if they don't actually say much, the plotlines seem to focus extensively on Bludonna and Teal. It's ridiculous, this story is called CANNONBY, that's me! I am the Captain, how have I become marginalised in my own tale!?

Bevan: Well maybe we'd trust you with these lengthier pieces more often if we felt we could trust you to read them out properly.

Cnby: It's hardly my fault that I am played by a steady stream of varying guests every week. None of them get the experience that is needed to read the script successfully. The production of this show is shambolic, and I refuse to be held responsible for the messing of my own lines.

Boris: You should, you are to blame.

Cnby: Which wristwatches are swiss wristwatches?

Bevan: Exactly.

Doktor: Oh come on you lot, please! / You think fixing this robot is easy?

Nurse: Because it's not.

Doktor: We don't do this a lot. Now quiet down while we set to our work.

Nurse: You burkes.

Cnby: So I'm guessing we have to save those idiots then.

Bevan: Yes, definitely.

Boris: But how?

Bevan: Well didn't the good Doktor say last week that he had once been one of the priests? Surely he'll know some hidden way into the….

Cnby: (interrupting loudly) I say we burst in through the main gate and cause hell!

Bevan: Um, I'd really rather not.

Boris: No, that sounds stupid.

Cnby: Nonsense! We've got ZX Ilfracombe with an Ivan power-up, what could possibly go wrong? He has a blunderbuss for a groin!

Nurse: You should reconsider that tactic before it is too late.

Doktor: This ZX is in no fit state, to be fighting.

Bevan: They're right Captain.

Cnby: Ha! To nonsense with you, ZX, come on, up you get. We're going to kick some priestly buttocks.

ZX: Priest. Buttock.

Cnby: See, he's fine. Onward!

Bevan: No Captain, come back.

Boris: He is such an idiothole.

Doktor: He is gung-ho to the point of perversion / But his assault will at least cause a diversion / Let those three go on their merry way / We'll sneak in and save the day.

Nurse: Through the old passageway?

Doktor: That would seem the more sensible way.

Boris: Hip-hip-hooray.

Narrator

But are these flippant celebrations too early, just what does await our heroes inside the insides of the Haven of Vines?

Vino: (Shouting) Hazel! Take the prisoners to the dungeon, hand them over to Crimson Maude.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino: What an ugly twosome they are. A seal-headed freak and a hideous madwoman. They taint our beautific citadel with their festering presence.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino: This citadel that I, Mellencamp Vino, have slaved over for many years to beautify. It's not easy being the Head Priest of Vinehaven, Hazel, not easy at all. But I love beauty, and I live to beautify.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Maude: A lovely piece of exposition from you there Head Priest Vino.

Vino: Thank you Crimson Maude; head of torture and wine fermenting. What brings you from your hallowed dungeon?

Maude: I got sick waiting for the new batch of grapes you've got for me. Hoo-hoo-hargh! What beautifuls grapes we've got ourselves ere! A grizzled little lady and a mans with an oct-ur-narwahol for a head! Wonderful wonderful! Should get us some gnarly wines from these-uns!

Vino: Splendiferous! Hazel, set the goblets, tonight we drink deeply of the blood of fools!

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino, Hazel and Maude all laugh manically.

Narrator

Skies above! What nefarious plans the clearly evil trio have upon Teal and Bludonna. Mellencamp Vino, Crimson Maude and Hazel Sick are clearly experienced in the process of abduction and wineification. I am appalled. Cannibalism is still cannibalism even if you are using goblets instead of cans. Gobletbalism. Will the efforts of Cannonby, Carmarthen Bevan and ZX be in vain? Can the sneaking tactic of Li Faiseas, Boris and Uh Nurse succeed? Will we ever hear Teal's plaintive bark again? Return to us on the flipside, and we'll discover the answers together, as we follow these tales of Cannonby!

*****

Didn't think I'd manage this weekend's Cannonby. It has been a slog to translate and no mistake. Skies above!

If you appreciate the effort, let us know:

acrecomedy@gmail.com or @adamgilder for tweeting business.

Fanks like.