Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
The Battle at Chi Ki.
Narrator
So, here we are again, dear friends; in the weird and wonderful world of Captain Cannonby and his curmudgeonly crew. That is perhaps slightly too jolly an opening given the situation the crew find themselves in. Teal and Bludonna have been captured slash kidnapped by the borderline vampiric, certainly cannibalistic priests of Vinehaven. These priests, lead by their Head Priest; the buxom, glamorous and oddly melodic Mellencamp Vino, plan on mwshing their captives to wine. Her able aides; Crimson Maude, head of torture and winemaking, and Hazel Sick, the oddsbody, ferret Teal and Bludonna away to the dungeons to that very end. While the Doktor, the Nurse and Boris search for an obligatory hidden secret entrance, Cannonby has sided for a more direct approach, and has dragged Bevan and a still slightly damaged ZX Ilfracombe along with him. Can the verb 'to storm' be aptly used to describe the behaviour of three men? I'm not overly certain but that's what it says here, so; Cannonby, Bevan and ZX storm the main gate.
CNBY: All for one, one for all, oye you two! Make a hole in the wall!
BEVAN: Ah, marvellous. What a magnificently nuanced plan of action you've compiled there Captain. With a tactician as Machiavellian as you, how could we possibly fail?
CNBY: Don't you spout your clever cloggery at me Carmarthen Bevan! I remember when you were but a babe in arms, I USED TO CHANGE YOUR NAPPIES, MY BOY!
BEVAN: Well that's absolute rubbish, I am significantly older than you, rendering what you just said absolutely impossible.
CNBY: Since when are you older than me?
BEVAN: Since the beginning, obviously. I think if you go back and check the character biographies that were drawn up at the start of these stories you'll see it clearly stated that I am older. I was mean't to be something of a mentor figure I believe.
CNBY: Well that turned out fantastically didn't it!?
BEVAN: I am the figure of sense at least, I am the earth wire to your cattle prod.
CNBY: That's not mentoring though is it?
BEVAN: It is mentoring of a sort.
CNBY: It's just misanthropy!
BEVAN: No, it's good old fashioned common sense, like we used to get when I was but a boy.
CNBY: I trust that since we're spending so long discussing your age that a twist in this plotline will eventually hang on that information?
BEVAN: I very much doubt it, I just thought it was a necessary thing to thrash out. Accuracy is important, especially to people of my advancing age.
CNBY: Old people are tedious.
BEVAN: But to reiterate, we aren't going to be able to smash through this colossal gate, not even with ZX's freakish cyborg might. Do you have any other strategically simplistic ideas?
CNBY: We could set fire to the place. With all the alcohol in there it should go up like a bonfire in a petrol station forecourt.
BEVAN: While your use of simile which involves buildings and technologies which don't exist in our reality is wonderful, I am afraid to say that won't work. Wine isn't flammable, really.
CNBY: Is that a bit of wisdom garnered over the years?
BEVAN: No, I just wikipediad it to check. Factual accuracy in these stories are important you know. Anyway, even if all the vines that cover the place went up in a fire, you'd run the risk of killing Teal and Bludonna as well as all the priests.
CNBY: Oh yes. I forgot they were in there. You asked for strategies and I just thought FIRE! you know? That's what all the great strategists go for.
BEVAN: I suppose you have a point. Renowned strategist and ancient-Agian Warlord Lu Xun often used fire in his tactics.
CNBY: Fascinating. Usually at this point we would have a cheap reference to some kind of video game, but this week you've decided to opt for referencing a literary pseudo-historical figure, it's more upmarket and makes us look clever, I like it.
BEVAN: Nah, I saw him on Dynasty Warriors.
CNBY: Typical.
Narrator
I've taken down an officer! That's what they say on that game. Away from Cannonby and Bevan's bickering, Boris, the Doktor and Uh Nurse are having a more fruitful experience. I'll point out now that that was a pun, because by the time they actually come into contact with fruit you'll have forgotten the line about it being 'fruitful'.
BORIS: So where is this hidden opening?
DOKTOR: Patience my little Slavic buddy, you need to cast your eyes amongst the little oval shapes / You'll find the secreted opening amongst the grapes.
Narrator
Okay, I suppose it wasn't that long before the fruits came up, I just got a bit excited, didn't want a joke to slip through the net. Skies know they are few and far between in these tales.
BORIS: Is this the entrance here? It looks a lot like one I guess.
DOKTOR: Yes.
BORIS: That was easy, I expected that to be really drawn out and tedious. Small blessings I suppose.
Narrator;
Very nearby, on the other end of the tunnel lies the dungeon labyrinth that is the underguts of Vinehaven, wherein Crimson Maude and Hazel are making the preparations for the evening's winemaking.
MAUDE: What're you doing with those comatose carcasses Hazel, get your patootie in gear woman, skies above!
HAZEL: Yes, Miss Maude.
MAUDE: Chuck 'em in the big trough as usual, I'll start up the giant foot machine which will begin the crush. We'll have ourselves some wine in no time.
HAZEL: Yes, Miss Maude.
Dragging noises and banging as though people have been dumped in the trough.
MAUDE: Spiffing. Let's throw the switch!
Narrator
*Sharp breath* Are they really going to do it? Having escaped the dangers of the forest and the clutches of an Agian Spider, will Teal and Bludonna be cursed to a fate where they are splattered by a colossal mechanised foot? In their unconscious state there is little they can do to help themselves. Will Cannonby break the gate? Will Boris arrive in time? Why has no one ever said 'Gyargh!' in these stories? Aren't they mean't to be pirates? There's not even a wooden leg or a parrot. Skies above, this is one of the most cliche-free pirate stories ever. And one of the worst. But now you have to come back or you'll never know if Bludonna and Teal get wineificated. It'll be like Schrodinger's Liquidation/Cannibalism Machine Theory. That's not very catchy so you'd better come back next week, to discover what transpires in Tales of Cannonby!
*****
New script as always will be read/played tomorrow halfway through our 12-3pm GMT slot on www.rhonddaradio.com.
Cannonby will be going on hiatus when this arc concludes I believe. What will we fill it with I wondread?
If you feel a pressing need to get in touch send your missives to acrecomedy@gmail.com or tweet @adamgilder.
Fanks all.
Adam
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