How Fast?

One of the highlights of this week, for me, was when I managed to finally rediscover an 80s cartoon I had been internet-crusading for on-and-off for roughly a year. I had originally seen the show on VHS tapes over my nan's house when I was young. The show I was looking for made up a collection of kids tv tapes that varied wildly, it included Rainbow, Super Ted and a black and white Tom and Jerry-style program which was terrifying.

In later years, as the number of grandkids increased, my nan bought new tapes, stuff like Fun Song Factory and other shiny singalong evil designed by evil people to make kids evil. What's wrong with Super Ted!? It was good enough for me, and look how I turned out. I turned into an eloquent, if solipsistic, internet loser. I function in society, shut up.

The show I was looking for, in my memory, was based around colourful fighter planes, I didn't really remember much else apart from the gunfire from one particular plane was animated with two lines which were intercut with horizontal lines across them, like a railway track pattern. I remember thinking that that was mense, and it was. On my original attempts to unearth the series I had scoured through lists of series titles, hoping that something relating to planes would come up, but no such luck. On a random impulse in the week, I typed in '80s cartoon fighter planes' and within a couple of results I managed to find a logo which I knew was correct. It is unsurprising I hadn't found it looking through all the lists, the title has nothing to do with planes.

It is entitled 'Ring Raiders'.

I actually took this name at face value as I read through the wikipedia entry, and it was only at the point in which certain characters were called 'Ring Commanders' that I began to wonder whether this series was merely an elaborate fundamentalist allegory about anal sex. It isn't. The show was made, as a lot of shows were back then, to market a series of toys that were already in existence. I think Gundam and Transformers were the same, although I could be wrong. Pokemon definitely was, as the original incarnation was the Gameboy games. I hope that is correct after I have waded in so confidently.

Anyway, the story is that there is an evil organisation wanting to do something evil and so goodies have been given rings which unlock special powers in planes so they can be cool and save the world from evil. Cool, wicked, awesome. This didn't resonate with my now-sophisticated futuristic brain and sensibilities. Although I was tempted to buy the VHS megatape of all the episodes (it hasn't been released on DVD). There were only 5 episodes ever made, all mean't to be pilots, because a full series was never commissioned. But this isn't what excited me. OH NO! It was an old 80s cartoon, and as with all 80s cartoon it is legally obliged to have an amazing opening theme. OH MOTHERHUFFING BOY, did this theme bring back some awesome nostalgia for me.

I think one of the things that really makes an 80s cartoon theme for me, after having looked at this example case of 1 cartoon show, is rampant and surreal, illogical hyperbole. Skies above! Nobody does illogical hyperbole like the 80s. Here is my transcription and deconstruction of the exultant and victorious chorus of the theme song:

RING RAIDERS!
We're faster than eagles!

Fair enough, fighter planes are LITERALLY faster than eagles, no complaints there, solid opener.

We're faster than sound!

My knowledge of science is so lacking that I don't want to comment on this with any confidence, but I think planes going faster than sound, yes. You see them flying, and then you hear the rumble, that makes sense, right?

We're faster than evil!

I don't really want to comment on this, because I feel that the proclamation is so inherently ludicrous that I am just impressed by the scale of out of the box thinking.

Ring Raiders later claim to be faster than both 'Light' and 'Crime'.

I fucking love Ring Raiders.