Noah

I have recently found solace and enjoyment in the tale of Noah. I imagine anyone reading this will have, at least, a passing familiarity with the idea of Noah’s Amazing Flood-Surviving Circus-Titanic (also known less flippantly as the Ark).

Stripped down to its core components the story flows thus:

· god is miffed at humankind.
· sends his judgement in the form of aquaticatastrophy
· tips off Noah
· Noah builds ludicrous zoo-frigate
· Saves all animals
· Oceanageddon dies down
· Everyone is happy (Most are dead).

Now, in my opinion, god comes across as a massive petulant twat in this story. I would like to say; "for a number of reasons", but to be honest, there is just the one reason: the delivery of a worldwide hydrocaust. Now I don’t know why the twattishness of god isn’t emphasized more when this story is told, and I believe a rebranding is in order. When told, the story shouldn’t be called ‘Noah’s Ark’, it would be better represented by the title "What a Twat".
How does this god character not get judged more harshly for performing what is essentially an almighty ctrl-alt-delete?

Whatever god’s spurious justification for the deluge, it is now Noah’s challenge to build a giant ship and save all life on the entire planet, which, of course, he manages. He was awesome, was Noah.

I think that life on a ship with loads of animals would be hugely unpleasant and dangerous, both in terms of in-fighting among the different types of life on the ship, and also in terms of diseases. If horror-mongering news stories are to be believed today, (they aren’t), then I, along with everyone, will soon die of swine flu, and I haven’t even seen a pig in years. Not even on the telly. I shudder to imagine how easy it would be to catch diseases in the Ark environment, and how much worse those diseases would have been. I’m sure pig pestilence would be rife within a couple of days, if not hours. And what other horrors awaited the intrepid rescuers on this Ark of Filth?

Lemur Plague?

Of course Noah didn’t save all kinds of animals, he left the dinosaurs to drown, which is fair enough – they didn’t gel well with the other animals – they would have been a very negative influence on the morale of the Ark, and the last thing you’d want is an Ark with an air of fractured bonhomie.

I’m sure Noah also didn’t save any sea-creatures, which is again fair enough, as that would have been a redundant gesture. There was more sea than usual at that time you see, and that’s where sea-creatures thrive. In the sea. In many ways the sea is their natural habitat, you could almost call them sea-creatures of the sea.

I am quite like god, in a number of ways that I am not prepared to extrapolate upon at this time, but one particular opinion I share with god is this: there are a lot of things in the sea that I dislike. These include, but are not restricted to; sharks, jellyfish, crabs, David Hasselhoff and salt.

I also really dislike dogfish, mostly due to linguistic pedantry. For one, I am a huge fan of the hyphen, and ‘dogfish’ is a compound word which doesn’t utilise one. Mainly, however, this is down to the fact that a dogfish is neither a dog, nor a fish. It’s a shark. It doesn’t even look like a dog. I can understand that manatees would be nicknamed "sea-cows", although I would enjoy actually hoisting a cow into the sea to judge just how well the two species intermingle (not very well I suspect). What annoys me the most however is that through this comparison dogs then become, in contrast, the sharks of the land, which simply isn’t the case. The land equivalent of a shark is surely Carlos Tevez.

I enjoy imagining Noah’s gurning face trying to haul all sea life into an aquarium that he’d custom built into the bottom of his Ark, with exasperated onlookers sighing "Oh Noah, you idiot." Because they are sea-creatures. They live in the sea, you see. So they do not need to be saved from the appearance of more sea. Although they are likely to be put out by the appearance of a lot more sea in a short space of time.

So Noah saved all the world, hurrah, and, rightfully, this is what he is remembered for. However, Noah lived to be 950, and that’s not all he managed during his outrageously long life. He also read all of ‘A Brief History of Time’, ran the London Marathon for four hundred and sixty-nine consecutive years and solved a Rubik’s cube. Three times!

Considering that he lived to this age, this also means that Noah was at some point aged six hundred and sixty-six years old. I would like to hear more stories of what Noah did that year please. Here are three of my suggestions:

Noah urinated into an ant-farm in order to recreate his glory days via a miniature wee-deluge.
Noah punched a dogfish in the nose and pushed it backwards through water until it died, screaming "Your name is ill-representative!"
Noah pimped out his Ark to be a fully functioning casino and it soon became a hotbed of debauchery (de-boat-chery). The ruins of the boat now make up the core structure of Brighton.

The other thing Noah is known for is inventing wine, which is an aspect of Noah that isn’t publicised enough I feel. Noah ensured the continuation of (most) life on the planet, an amazing feat made more amazing by the fact that he was off his tits on moonshine, the crazy biblical bastard.

He probably invented wine when he was 666 years old, as the story that accompanies it is that he got well and truly microwaved, fell asleep naked in his tent, and "inadvertently" exposed himself to his sons. The exhibitionist paedo.

Let us take this moment to remember Noah; the boat-building, life-saving, long-living, shark-punching, Ark-pimping, plague-surviving, wine-inventing, penis-exposing fictional idiot, dreamt up by ancient idiots, to make other ancient idiots fearful of an idiotic ancient god, who is also fictional.

Of course, Noah is present in all of the Abrahamic religions, and is meant to be a heroic figure and role model. He isn’t.

Any number of better role models spring instantly to mind; Boris Ignatievich, Great Uncle Bulgaria, Bruce Dickinson, Professor Oak (to name but a few).

You can shove your biblical role models up your swine flu.

I’ll stick with Tuxedo Mask.