Eurovision Wrong Contest

I dislike the Eurovision song contest in a very big way.  It is currently in the middle of the voting, so I will be able to dive you the results at the end of this blog.  Chances are you’ve either seen the results by now, or you don’t care.  I don’t care, but I have been trapped in the living room and I am being subjected to this rubbish, so I am going to share the pain.

 

I think what I am most disappointed with is the lack of Bill Bailey.  I doubt he would have even wanted to participate, but from a completely selfish point of view it would have made it more enjoyable for me to have a little nugget of Bailey in the middle.

 

I have just finished watching the bit where they lowered a giant plastic pool filled with bellyflopping women into the crowd, and I really don’t know what to say about that.  I mean that was really boggling.  Just weird.  At times it looked like some sordid sex-pool-burlesque-psychadelia business, and at other times, most notably the bellyflopping times, it looked like some wet, scantily clad women bellyflopping.  Because that is what it was.

 

Here are some things which I disliked about the Eurovision Song Contest this year:

 

1. Dita Von Teese’s presence in Germany’s song.  Is that really allowed?  She is hugely famous, although at this point in the points giving, it seems not to have done Germany well to be affiliated with a burlesque act, it may only have served to further emphasize Germany’s black-leather, eurotrash image.  Is that libellous?  Possibly.
2. My mother got freaked out by the fully blue sequin-faced man in the Albanian act.  That was strange.  They were also joined onstage by a hellish Thing 1 and Thing 2 act, which scared me to my core.
3. The growing old screen in the Russian act was a terrifying thing, filmed straight on to the poor woman’s face.  The recording utilised a cut that I imagine would be used in a recording of a suicide message.  Seeing a woman looking directly into the camera and singing in a faux-sincere manner makes me wish that it was actually a suicide message.  Or at the very least a trigger recording that would set some hitmen in motion to take out the key people involved in broadcast of this rubbish.
4. Malta were awesome.  Cheese & Energy is what I want from the Eurovision, not hateful pop-ballads sung in horrific American accents.  No-one in the Eurovision song contest should speak with that accent.  As the participants are all European.  It is in the name.
5. UK.  UK?  No I am not.  Seeing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s twitching Peter Pettigrew face convulsing softly on my screen is not an enjoyable thing.  Just like Dita Von Teese, I don’t know whether Master Pettigrew should be allowed to play on stage, because he is a world famous musical talent, and also because he is vermin.  Sorry Andrew, your music is nice, but I don’t like you.
6. The Ibiza rave that that Finland made was hypnotic.  But horrible.

 

It’s not quite the end now though but it’s fairly obvious already that Norway are going to win, which is good because the singer actually played an instrument aswell, which wins him some actual musician points.  I grudgingly accept his talent, even though he has a High School Musical face, which I think fits him into Charlie Brooker’s “made in a Petri dish” category of human beings.

 

What I dislike the most about this Eurovision, even more than Graham Norton’s presence, is the way in which the fact that our act, Jade, was prostituted out across the Europe to tour extensively and be interviewed and appear on TV generally.  In recent years people have disliked the Eurovision because they believe that the voting system is based on politics rather than quality of song, which is probably true.  But this year our presence quite high up in terms of points is not reliant on the quality of the song, which I accept is good even though it isn’t to my personal test.  The song is nice enough, though the lyrics are lazy rubbish, which is ‘necessary’ so that other countries can learn the song in what is not their first language.  However the reason we have received more points this year (more than none) is largely down to the fact that the song has been widely advertised all over the continent, and to be completely honest I don’t think that that would have been a good way to have won, and makes me hate the coverage of this event, where succeeding because we smeared our shitepop all up in peoples faces is a good thing.  It isn’t.

 

There’s also something to be said of the fact that people are picked to give points based on their physical looks, as though this one individual can be held up as a sexy advert for the country.

 

“Ooh bloody hell I should go to Armenia, they have some sexy people there!”

 

What a load of rubbish.  But what is more rubbish?  The rubbish or the rubbish that watched it?  Or the rubbish that watched it and then wrote a blog about it?  Or the rubbish that subsequently read the blog?  Yeah~.  Think about it.

 

It’s the original rubbish.  Eurovision.  Rubbish*.

 

*Apart from the sexy Israeli woman on the bongos.  Nice.