Matter-land

The process of buying clothes is largely designed to strip the customer of any dignity.  This is especially true when the customer in question is a larger individual, like what I am.  This isn’t helped by the inconsistent classification of clothes sizes, where a large in one size is too small, and a medium in another too big.  That doesn’t make sense.  It aggravates me.  Also, the design of changing cubicles is ludicrous, with the tiny sliver of material that passes for a door not reaching either side of the gap, leaving ample space for people to look in, even if they don’t want to.  Since every aspect of design, in relation to corporate businesses, seems to be meticulously planned, I can only assume that this strip of curtain design is purposeful, though what the shop in question hoped to achieve through designing their cubicles in such a manner I cannot hope to fathom.  Perhaps causing discomfort and frustration in customers is good business.  It certainly worked for Ricky Gervais.  Though he, of course, isn’t a clothes shop.

 

Doesn’t Matalan sound like the name of an Aztec god?  To me it sounds like a creature of the skies, which shoots shrinking beams from its single clothes-hanger shaped horn in the centre of its forehead.  It uses the beam wantonly; shrinking clothes, doors and curtains to expose small amounts of flesh which it then picks at like giant corporate vulture, feeding on the coquettishly exposed flesh of the walking dead.  I hope they use this as a quote in order to re-brand themselves as the Aztec Vulture of the bargain clothes shop world.

 

 

The only saving grace of this trip was hearing the phrase “Cashier Number 4 Please”, which I heard as “Casshern Number 4 Please”.  Having Japanese superheroes from the 70s working at the checkouts is possibly the only way they could hope to stop me from hating the entire experience.  Unfortunately this wasn’t the case, and a shop where the tills are manned by Casshern only exists in a world where my tenuous puns are brought to life, possibly through the magic of an Aztec Vulture god.

 

I left a comment slip with the floor manager indicating that I would only return to continue commerce with the shop if the till-zombies that currently operated there were replaced with Japanese pop-culture characters from the 70s.  Suddenly, as if by magic, Casshern (1973) appeared at till 4.  My eyes locked onto his, and at once my good humour was secured.  In the instant that it had taken for me to glance at the new super-cashier, the drones at the other tills had all been replaced by retro anime legends.  Till 1 was ‘manned’ by the original Gundam (1979) mobile suit, although if my flights of fancy were to be less ridiculous it would be more realistically manned by Ray Amuro, as he is a human, and as such more suited to till-work.  Violence Jack (1973) appeared at Till 2, which, while amusing for me personally, would have been less than productive in terms of the overall running of the shop.  Violence Jack is a legitimate choice as, though his run in animation only occurred in the late 80s and early 90s, his original incarnation in print is from far earlier.  The appearance of the battleship from Uchuu Senkan Yamato (1974) would cause similar problems to those that arose due to the Gundam, arguably more, as a giant battleship in the middle of the store would only cause inconvenience.  The other tills were manned by Lupin III (Green Jacket)(1971), Doraemon (ran all through the 70s) and the cast of Gatchaman (1972)(Battle of the Planets).

 

And that was exciting for me.