The script was read/played by:
Narrator: Me
Cannonby: Kadoogan Aboogan
Bevan: Me
Boris: Dafydd Evans
Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans
ZX Ilfracombe/Ivan: Me
Bludonna Snow: Kadoogan Aboogan
Reggie Scar: Kadoogan Aboogan.
*****
Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
I Love Reggie, I Love Scar
Narrator
With a now fully-conscious Bludonna Snow in tow, the out-trepid crew make a wasp-line out of Digh-Dunniaets, making for the distant jungle sprawl of Vinehaven. As always, the group know nothing of the challenges that they will face on their way, which makes writing these increasingly difficult. The cobbled path out of the town slowly gives way to a more natural dirt track, although half a mile further along there is an odd stretch of inexplicable tarmac upon which local youths were doing donuts and jumps on their penny-farthings. But that's neither here nor there. Well actually it is there. But it is isn't relevant to the story. The interesting bit of this tale takes place further along the path. Not that youths doing donuts and jumps on their penny-farthings isn't interesting. It just isn't relevant. Glad we cleared that up. So, basically, later on there is a suspcious fork in the road, which Cannonby picked up and used as an item of cutlery- HAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, like a crossroads in the path. Is there an interesting guardian of this crossroads?!?! Yes, oh no I've spoiled it, damn. Here we go anyway...
CNBY: Accursed narration! What in the image of Niko Bellic's grizzled visage does the huffing narrator think he's doing? Revealing important plot points before the episode has even happened, cheeky gloryhog!
BORIS: He is incredibly envious of us because he can't interact with anyone properly because he is caught on the wrong side of the fourth wall.
CNBY: And he doesn't exist! HAHAHAHA, take that you stew-ee-ow-pid narrator!
BORIS: If this was on television now, I would be looking knowingly into the camera.
CNBY: Shut up Boris! You shouldn't be looking into the camera, in my days, which are now, cameras aren't even existed yet!
BORIS: Don't you mean invented?
CNBY: Read the script properly man!
BORIS: Oh, sorry my mistake.
CNBY: Who's go is it now?
BORIS: Mine I think.
CNBY: Then why am I speaking?
BORIS: This is only going to make sense written down I think.
CNBY: Stop looking into the camera!
BORIS: There is no camera, they don't exist, you said so yourself.
CNBY: Well tarmac was mentioned in the intro, and that isn't recorded until 1901, when it was patented by Edgar Purnell Hooley, and that is according to Wikipedia, which also doesn't exist yet, as this tale is set somewhere between the 16th and 19th centuries, probably.
BORIS: I don't think we are in the real world at all, even a historical version of it. I mean there are similarities between the real world and ours, such as cyborgs, grogka, genies and octnarwhals, but there are so many ludicrous things in our world...
????: Nah nah nah, breda, der no such octnarwhal and ting, what nonsense is dis?
CNBY: What was that?
BORIS: I don't know, I can't see where it is coming from, it is frightening...
CNBY: And slightly xenophobic.
????: Ah yo, I an I's up ere bredas, pon de corner branch.
CNBY: Good lord, so he is! He's some form of sentient gargoyle!
BORIS: The best kind.
CNBY: And he must also be Jamaican!
BORIS: Why? Don't tell me Captain, is it because Jamaican me crazy?
CNBY: No, it's because of his accent. You're very racist Boris, typical Russian.
BORIS: What is Russian?
????: What a Jamaican?
CNBY: Do they not exist in this reality?
????: Listen ere Cannonby, dis not Doctor Who what you part of breda, seen?
CNBY: Are you quite sure you should be using that accent?
????: Now now breda, if Boris can be jammin rownd the story runnin offa da accent and ting, I an I be using dis one swell, seen?
BORIS: Hey! My accent is nowhere near as racist as yours!
????: Is in da scrip, seen? I an I is wanadem increasingly stereotypical Jamaican-accented gargoyles you bin earin bout on der news and ting, seen? Names Reggie. Reggie Scar.
CNBY: Reggie, I am increasingly uncomfortable with this episode, can you please give us the important information you were clearly included in the script to give us and then go away forever please?
REG: Sure ting rudeboy. As you can seen I an I am der guardian of der fork...
CNBY: (interrupting) Good lord! A fork in the middle of the road! Where did this come from?
BORIS: I suppose you are going to pick it up and use it as an item of cutlery hahahahahahaa (overlapping hahah with CNBY)
CNBY: Hahahahahaah no, it is a crossroads in the path.
REG: Das right bredas. Each path only gone accept 3 travellers at a time on the way to Haven o Vine, seen?
BORIS: How handy is that, we are a group of 6, we will fit perfectly if we split into 2 groups.
CNBY: I don't know, it sounds incredibly arbitrary to me.
REG: I don't make dem rules, I just read der script, seen?
CNBY: Ok, we understand, now never speak again!
BORIS: What a ridiculous individual, I can't believe such a one dimentional character would have been put in just as an excuse to do a LUDICROUS silly accent!
SNOW: I AGREE!
TEAL:
CNBY: And in order to focus the accent it was necessary to have Bevan be silent throughout.
BVN: No, actually, that is not the reason I have been quiet up until now.
CNBY: Then why have you been so silent?
BVN: I'm just not in much of a chatty mood today, that's all.
CNBY: Right, I've had enough of this, I'm off. Ivan, come with me!
IVAN: Am I in this episode aswell?
CNBY: YES!
IVAN: CH! Fines, I will follow you.
SNOW: If the "Captain" is taking the left path, then it is only right that I take the right...
BORIS: I will follow Bludonna, always!
BVN: Oh bananas, I hate splits. Stephen, protect the Captain!
TEAL:
BVN: I suppose I'll keep an eye on Bludonna and Boris. We'll be the B team.
CNBY: In more ways than one.
BVN: Oy, cheeky.
TEAL: Bark.
Narrator
And thus, in a haphazard and non-dodgy-Jamaican-accented way the crew split in twain. Forced by a fork to operate a pincer movement in their approach to Vinehaven. Cannonby, Ivan and Stephen Teal taking the left path, Boris, Bevan and Bludonna Snow taking the right approach. And they never saw Reggie the dodgy-accented-gargoyle ever again. Except maybe in a flashback or an Easter special. Ya dig? We'll see you back here, same time, same place for the What Happens Next round of The Tales of Cannonby!
*****
New one tomorrow as always on www.rhonddaradio.com 12-3.
If live things are your thing then maybe your thing is a podcast thing which is a thing we also have.
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