Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
AGIAN SPIDER!
Narrator
In the wild and overgrown forest paths that sweep their treacherous path up to Vinehaven, the disjoined crew of the Sodden Calamity tumble, fumble and bumble their humble way along the crumbling tracks. Bevan, Boris and Bludonna barely beat the big bladed bosserpilar they bravely battled previously, but enough of this blatant bargain bum alliteration, if you wanted to hear about that then you should have been listening, shouldn't you? Let's see how Cannonby, Stephen Teal and the confusing and difficult to introduce Ivan ZX Oleinme-Ilfracombe are getting on...
CNBY: That narrators getting chippier every week, cheeky boy!
IVAN: Concentrate Cannonby, twigs and sprigs are haphazard over the ground, a careless adventurer could easily lose his footing and tumble to a fluid grave at the bottom of the banking.
TEAL: (agreeing bark)
CNBY: What, this banking here?
TEAL: (concerned bark)
IVAN: (exclaiming) AFC Ajax! Please Captain, come away from the edge.
CNBY: Good hells man, you need to develop some intestinal fortitude. Good grief!
IVAN: Well you were awfully close to the lip of the decline, there's a nasty looking natatorium down there.
CNBY: Natatatatatat?
IVAN: Sorry, I love a thesaurus. Perhaps it would be better to say a mud puddle.
TEAL: (pedantic bark)
CNBY: Now look here Ivan my boy, a mud puddle and a natatorium, while both being bodies of water, are two very different things, and anyway, I'd say that down there, was more of a sinister lagoon.
IVAN: It is hardly big enough to be a lagoon!
CNBY: Who is the Captain?
IVAN: (resigned) Then watch you don't fall in the lagoon.
CNBY: What sort of a fool do you take me for!
TEAL: (coughing bark)
IVAN: A seafaring sort?
CNBY: Watch yourself Ivan.
TEAL: (fed up bark)
CNBY: Okay, Teal, ok. We will stop arguing. So why are you so eager that I stay away from the lagoon?
IVAN: In my homeland we have terror-inducing folklore about unspeakable monstrosities that live in far-flung bodies of water.
CNBY: Unspeakable, you say?
IVAN: Yes, the stories are passed down from generation to generation using a complicated amalgamation of braille, morse code and semaphore.
CNBY: So what does these stories say about these monsters.
IVAN: Do you know braille, morse code or semaphore?
CNBY: Do I look like I am a multiplatform multilingual?
IVAN: Not particularly.
CNBY: Good. Because I'm not. Stephen Teal however is fluent in morse code, so please relay the story to him, and he can explain to me using his bark.
IVAN: Are you serious?
CNBY: DO IT!
IVAN: (tapping)
TEAL: (tapping)
IVAN: (tapping)
TEAL: (shocked bark)
IVAN: (lengthy tapping)
TEAL: (finally understanding bark)
CNBY: Well, explain away then Stephen.
TEAL: (barking)
CNBY: Right, right. I see. A Japanese tiger, eh?
IVAN: Please, you are not to speak the...
CNBY: (interrupting) Hush! Continue Teal.
TEAL: (lengthy barking)
CNBY: (incredulous) The real Godzilla and Mothra? Surely not.
IVAN: We're not really certain about that bit. It could very well just be men in suits.
CNBY: (childishly) Well I don't believe it for a second! I'm going to tramp on down to the lagoon and wag a shitty stick around.
IVAN & TEAL: Captain! (& Bark)
(water noise if possible)
CNBY: Eugh! What's all this nonsense! There seems to be some sort of filmy unguent all around the lagoon…
IVAN: Filmy unguent? There is only one creature capable of covering such a vast lagoon-area with filmy unguent… hailing from the damp and clammy bogs of Agia, it is the dreaded Agian Spider!
CNBY: (exclaiming) Sackboy's taut sackskin! I can see him coming!
IVAN: Captain!
SPID: I am Agian spider!
IVAN: (cursing) Brown sugar, he's rendered the Captain unconscious with his clandestine spider spray! Teal, go and rescue the Captain, he's being slowly dragged into the lagoon. (TEAL: BARK!) I will deal with this spider.
SPID: Ah contestant number one caught in the web! Going to the bath, but the bath are full of electronic eels!!
IVAN: Electric eels, surely?
SPID: ELECTRONIC EEEEEEEEELS!
IVAN: Teal watch out!
(zapping sound effects if possible)
TEAL: (pained barking)
IVAN: TEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaal!
SPID: Ohohohoh, he won't be going through to the final round!
IVAN: You anserine arachnid! I won't let you get away with this!
SPID: Cliche cliche cliche!
Narrator
As Ivan steels himself for what is sure to be a dreadful battle, the Agian spider scuttles deftly to the lagoon-side and sweeps the limp body of Stephen Teal from the water. Hefting the dead-weight effortlessly into the air the spider nimbly weaves a supersonic web around the brave warrior, leaving him cocooned in a human-sized larval sac, and tosses it into the web which spans the lagoon. With Cannonby and Stephen Teal out of action, will Ivan Oleinme be able to fend off the creature? Oh wait, he is inhabiting the heavily armed cyborg body of ZX Ilfracombe isn't he? He'll probably be fine then. Unless the spider has an unexpected and as as yet un-thought-of protection against firearms. How is this going to pan out? Are they going to survive? Find out, next time, as we rejoin the crew for further Tales of Cannonby!
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