First Sketch

As you may or may not know, I am a part of a sketch troupe called The ACRE.

We are on community radio every weekend, and we edit the best bits into The ACRE Podcasts, because we are awful modern. Apart from these endeavours, we also write blogs and do live stuff when we can. We are basically creative busybodies, and hopefully we're reaching the point where our idle speculation regarding things we should do has been overtaken by actually doing those things.

Which brings me on to the point of this entry.

We spent a very sunny yesterday in the bustling township of Pontypridd, where we hauled ourselves to a pub with cameras and ideas to come up with a sketch and film it in a couple of hours. We figured the only way we'd get past the planning/potential stages of the thing would be to just go and do it, even if that means a haphazard sketch. It would be a learning curve and an experience which hopefully we could build on.

And that's what happened.

We journeyed into Ponty Park, and took to filming a sketch, the brief of which was Dafydd saying "I want to be up a tree protesting". I am surprised we managed to fill 4 minutes of nothing really.

The end product is a lot punchier and crisper than we expected it could be when we were filming, but the magnificence of editing is that some semblance of narrative can be tricked into place even if there was none at the time of filming.

So here it is, it is full of needless swearing, because we are mature, and it is incredibly silly. We hope it makes you laugh.

www.theacre.net

@adamgilder

acrecomedy@gmail.com

Journal of Cannonby: The Battle at Chi Ki

I am hoping that the plot is thickening somewhat in Cannonby of late. At the very least I can say that there is at least an overarching plot nowadays, rather than just silly throwaway one offs. Of course everything in The ACRE Podcasts are throwaway, but the genius is we don't throw them away. Is it genius? Who knows, eh?

The script was read/played by:

Narrator: Me

Cannonby: The Pirate

Bevan: Me

Boris: Dafydd Evans

Doktor: The Pirate

Hazel: Me

Maude: Dafydd Evans

*****

Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby

The Battle at Chi Ki.

Narrator

So, here we are again, dear friends; in the weird and wonderful world of Captain Cannonby and his curmudgeonly crew. That is perhaps slightly too jolly an opening given the situation the crew find themselves in. Teal and Bludonna have been captured slash kidnapped by the borderline vampiric, certainly cannibalistic priests of Vinehaven. These priests, lead by their Head Priest; the buxom, glamorous and oddly melodic Mellencamp Vino, plan on mwshing their captives to wine. Her able aides; Crimson Maude, head of torture and winemaking, and Hazel Sick, the oddsbody, ferret Teal and Bludonna away to the dungeons to that very end. While the Doktor, the Nurse and Boris search for an obligatory hidden secret entrance, Cannonby has sided for a more direct approach, and has dragged Bevan and a still slightly damaged ZX Ilfracombe along with him. Can the verb 'to storm' be aptly used to describe the behaviour of three men? I'm not overly certain but that's what it says here, so; Cannonby, Bevan and ZX storm the main gate.

CNBY: All for one, one for all, oye you two! Make a hole in the wall!

BEVAN: Ah, marvellous. What a magnificently nuanced plan of action you've compiled there Captain. With a tactician as Machiavellian as you, how could we possibly fail?

CNBY: Don't you spout your clever cloggery at me Carmarthen Bevan! I remember when you were but a babe in arms, I USED TO CHANGE YOUR NAPPIES, MY BOY!

BEVAN: Well that's absolute rubbish, I am significantly older than you, rendering what you just said absolutely impossible.

CNBY: Since when are you older than me?

BEVAN: Since the beginning, obviously. I think if you go back and check the character biographies that were drawn up at the start of these stories you'll see it clearly stated that I am older. I was mean't to be something of a mentor figure I believe.

CNBY: Well that turned out fantastically didn't it!?

BEVAN: I am the figure of sense at least, I am the earth wire to your cattle prod.

CNBY: That's not mentoring though is it?

BEVAN: It is mentoring of a sort.

CNBY: It's just misanthropy!

BEVAN: No, it's good old fashioned common sense, like we used to get when I was but a boy.

CNBY: I trust that since we're spending so long discussing your age that a twist in this plotline will eventually hang on that information?

BEVAN: I very much doubt it, I just thought it was a necessary thing to thrash out. Accuracy is important, especially to people of my advancing age.

CNBY: Old people are tedious.

BEVAN: But to reiterate, we aren't going to be able to smash through this colossal gate, not even with ZX's freakish cyborg might. Do you have any other strategically simplistic ideas?

CNBY: We could set fire to the place. With all the alcohol in there it should go up like a bonfire in a petrol station forecourt.

BEVAN: While your use of simile which involves buildings and technologies which don't exist in our reality is wonderful, I am afraid to say that won't work. Wine isn't flammable, really.

CNBY: Is that a bit of wisdom garnered over the years?

BEVAN: No, I just wikipediad it to check. Factual accuracy in these stories are important you know. Anyway, even if all the vines that cover the place went up in a fire, you'd run the risk of killing Teal and Bludonna as well as all the priests.

CNBY: Oh yes. I forgot they were in there. You asked for strategies and I just thought FIRE! you know? That's what all the great strategists go for.

BEVAN: I suppose you have a point. Renowned strategist and ancient-Agian Warlord Lu Xun often used fire in his tactics.

CNBY: Fascinating. Usually at this point we would have a cheap reference to some kind of video game, but this week you've decided to opt for referencing a literary pseudo-historical figure, it's more upmarket and makes us look clever, I like it.

BEVAN: Nah, I saw him on Dynasty Warriors.

CNBY: Typical.

Narrator

I've taken down an officer! That's what they say on that game. Away from Cannonby and Bevan's bickering, Boris, the Doktor and Uh Nurse are having a more fruitful experience. I'll point out now that that was a pun, because by the time they actually come into contact with fruit you'll have forgotten the line about it being 'fruitful'.

BORIS: So where is this hidden opening?

DOKTOR: Patience my little Slavic buddy, you need to cast your eyes amongst the little oval shapes / You'll find the secreted opening amongst the grapes.

Narrator

Okay, I suppose it wasn't that long before the fruits came up, I just got a bit excited, didn't want a joke to slip through the net. Skies know they are few and far between in these tales.

BORIS: Is this the entrance here? It looks a lot like one I guess.

DOKTOR: Yes.

BORIS: That was easy, I expected that to be really drawn out and tedious. Small blessings I suppose.

Narrator;

Very nearby, on the other end of the tunnel lies the dungeon labyrinth that is the underguts of Vinehaven, wherein Crimson Maude and Hazel are making the preparations for the evening's winemaking.

MAUDE: What're you doing with those comatose carcasses Hazel, get your patootie in gear woman, skies above!

HAZEL: Yes, Miss Maude.

MAUDE: Chuck 'em in the big trough as usual, I'll start up the giant foot machine which will begin the crush. We'll have ourselves some wine in no time.

HAZEL: Yes, Miss Maude.

Dragging noises and banging as though people have been dumped in the trough.

MAUDE: Spiffing. Let's throw the switch!

Narrator

*Sharp breath* Are they really going to do it? Having escaped the dangers of the forest and the clutches of an Agian Spider, will Teal and Bludonna be cursed to a fate where they are splattered by a colossal mechanised foot? In their unconscious state there is little they can do to help themselves. Will Cannonby break the gate? Will Boris arrive in time? Why has no one ever said 'Gyargh!' in these stories? Aren't they mean't to be pirates? There's not even a wooden leg or a parrot. Skies above, this is one of the most cliche-free pirate stories ever. And one of the worst. But now you have to come back or you'll never know if Bludonna and Teal get wineificated. It'll be like Schrodinger's Liquidation/Cannibalism Machine Theory. That's not very catchy so you'd better come back next week, to discover what transpires in Tales of Cannonby!

*****

New script as always will be read/played tomorrow halfway through our 12-3pm GMT slot on www.rhonddaradio.com.

Cannonby will be going on hiatus when this arc concludes I believe. What will we fill it with I wondread?

If you feel a pressing need to get in touch send your missives to acrecomedy@gmail.com or tweet @adamgilder.

Fanks all.

Adam

Journal of Cannonby: Now I Know How Joan of Ark Felt

The title of this one has less relevance to the script than they usually do. I was listening to The Smiths as I was struggling for a title, because the story in this one was particularly all over the place, so no one thing could sum it all up. So I just wrote the lyric in. It makes about as much sense as the actual story.

The script was read/played by:

Narrator: Me

Cannonby: Dev Vhardi

Bevan: Me

Boris: Dafydd Evans

ZX Ilfracombe: Me

Doktor: Dev Vhardi

Nurse: Me

Vino: Dev Vhardi

Crimson Maude: Dafydd Evans

Hazel: Me

*****

Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby

Now I know how Joan of Ark felt

Narrator

Well, what do you want me to say? Nothing has really happened for the last month so it seems fairly unnecessary to do a recap, but I suppose I'd better had. Teal and Bludonna have been captured by the cannibalistic Priests of Vinehaven, and almost every other major character is amassed somewhere, still fairly lost within the dense forestry outside the hidden walls of the citadel. Doktor Li Faiseas and his able assistant Uh Nurse are tending to the weakened crew; Cannonby, Bevan and Boris. Of course there're limits to how far they can help ZX Ilfracombe, as the medics specialise in human biology, and are poorly equipped to tamper with the industrial exoskeleton that sheathes the human bits of ZX.

Boris: I am really concerned about the cyborg, he's fizzing and popping a bit. It was so long ago that I can't remember whether he was in the lagoon or not, but if he was that water couldn't have been good for him.

Cnby: (banging as though slapping ZX on the back) Nonsense! ZX is a sturdy piece of equipment! He's built like a behemoth! In the highlands where he was constructed they called him the Iron Giant. And with the added assistance of the spirit of Ivan Oleinme he is even capable of withstanding Ragnarok!

Bevan: I see you are staying true to last weeks promise of more Final Fantasy references.

Cnby: Tonberry King!

Boris: Jumbo Cactuar!

Bevan: Geezard!

Cnby: Wendigo!

Boris:

Bevan: Oh, bin bags.

Doktor: The desire to hit you is very tempting / Though I can understand what you are attempting / You are trying to really nail the Final Fantasy niche / but random references aren't funny, capiche?

Bevan: Well, we'll never know unless we try…

Boris: And it works for Family Guy.

Nurse: Well, it's causing our metallic patient to get quite stressed.

Doktor: And he's already in quite a mess / Better to just give it a rest.

Boris: I agree.

Bevan: Yes.

Boris: We have to plan how to rescue Bludonna and the freak.

Cnby: He is disgusting. I say leave them, they just get in the way and clog the script up with their needless dialogue.

Bevan: Oh Captain, what an awful thing to say. Bludonna and Teal get a tiny percentage of the dialogue, especially when compared to some of the lengthy diatribes you get.

Cnby: Well that's a load of hogwash! The characters who have the largest percentage of dialogue are probably you and Boris, or perhaps its been skewed in recent weeks by the ridiculously epic poems that the Doktor and Nurse seem to be performing on a weekly basis now. No, don't argue Bevan! And even if they don't actually say much, the plotlines seem to focus extensively on Bludonna and Teal. It's ridiculous, this story is called CANNONBY, that's me! I am the Captain, how have I become marginalised in my own tale!?

Bevan: Well maybe we'd trust you with these lengthier pieces more often if we felt we could trust you to read them out properly.

Cnby: It's hardly my fault that I am played by a steady stream of varying guests every week. None of them get the experience that is needed to read the script successfully. The production of this show is shambolic, and I refuse to be held responsible for the messing of my own lines.

Boris: You should, you are to blame.

Cnby: Which wristwatches are swiss wristwatches?

Bevan: Exactly.

Doktor: Oh come on you lot, please! / You think fixing this robot is easy?

Nurse: Because it's not.

Doktor: We don't do this a lot. Now quiet down while we set to our work.

Nurse: You burkes.

Cnby: So I'm guessing we have to save those idiots then.

Bevan: Yes, definitely.

Boris: But how?

Bevan: Well didn't the good Doktor say last week that he had once been one of the priests? Surely he'll know some hidden way into the….

Cnby: (interrupting loudly) I say we burst in through the main gate and cause hell!

Bevan: Um, I'd really rather not.

Boris: No, that sounds stupid.

Cnby: Nonsense! We've got ZX Ilfracombe with an Ivan power-up, what could possibly go wrong? He has a blunderbuss for a groin!

Nurse: You should reconsider that tactic before it is too late.

Doktor: This ZX is in no fit state, to be fighting.

Bevan: They're right Captain.

Cnby: Ha! To nonsense with you, ZX, come on, up you get. We're going to kick some priestly buttocks.

ZX: Priest. Buttock.

Cnby: See, he's fine. Onward!

Bevan: No Captain, come back.

Boris: He is such an idiothole.

Doktor: He is gung-ho to the point of perversion / But his assault will at least cause a diversion / Let those three go on their merry way / We'll sneak in and save the day.

Nurse: Through the old passageway?

Doktor: That would seem the more sensible way.

Boris: Hip-hip-hooray.

Narrator

But are these flippant celebrations too early, just what does await our heroes inside the insides of the Haven of Vines?

Vino: (Shouting) Hazel! Take the prisoners to the dungeon, hand them over to Crimson Maude.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino: What an ugly twosome they are. A seal-headed freak and a hideous madwoman. They taint our beautific citadel with their festering presence.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino: This citadel that I, Mellencamp Vino, have slaved over for many years to beautify. It's not easy being the Head Priest of Vinehaven, Hazel, not easy at all. But I love beauty, and I live to beautify.

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Maude: A lovely piece of exposition from you there Head Priest Vino.

Vino: Thank you Crimson Maude; head of torture and wine fermenting. What brings you from your hallowed dungeon?

Maude: I got sick waiting for the new batch of grapes you've got for me. Hoo-hoo-hargh! What beautifuls grapes we've got ourselves ere! A grizzled little lady and a mans with an oct-ur-narwahol for a head! Wonderful wonderful! Should get us some gnarly wines from these-uns!

Vino: Splendiferous! Hazel, set the goblets, tonight we drink deeply of the blood of fools!

Hazel: Yes, Miss Mellencamp.

Vino, Hazel and Maude all laugh manically.

Narrator

Skies above! What nefarious plans the clearly evil trio have upon Teal and Bludonna. Mellencamp Vino, Crimson Maude and Hazel Sick are clearly experienced in the process of abduction and wineification. I am appalled. Cannibalism is still cannibalism even if you are using goblets instead of cans. Gobletbalism. Will the efforts of Cannonby, Carmarthen Bevan and ZX be in vain? Can the sneaking tactic of Li Faiseas, Boris and Uh Nurse succeed? Will we ever hear Teal's plaintive bark again? Return to us on the flipside, and we'll discover the answers together, as we follow these tales of Cannonby!

*****

Didn't think I'd manage this weekend's Cannonby. It has been a slog to translate and no mistake. Skies above!

If you appreciate the effort, let us know:

acrecomedy@gmail.com or @adamgilder for tweeting business.

Fanks like.