Semi-skimmed Re-shuffle: Top Ten

It’s a bumper edition this week, with 5 new songs gracing the grit-teeth-and-bemoan-state-of-humanity list. Let’s jump straight in.

10 - Remedy – Little Boots

Oh, go easy on her, she’s only Little Boots. This song is like a nagging stubborn headache in the front of your head. It’s filled with mild, turgid pop la-la-laing, laid generously over migraine swells of clunky ugly synth.

We have my all time favourite type of lyric, the lines which walk the line between saying nothing and being so vague as to mean anything you want it to, an example being: ‘move while you’re watching me / dance with the enemy’ - grade-school rhyming couplets for the idiot generation. Ya-hoo. I would rather not move while I’m watching her, by staying still it makes it easier to keep the rifle steady.

But my favourite line from this song is: ‘I can see you stalking like the predator’. This makes me laugh because I like to imagine she is referring to Predator, who is famously hard to see. Equally if she is referring to predators in general, there is a large amount of stalking involved, and being seen in usually not in the predators’ best interest. You lose points for silly-billyery.

9 - Get Shaky – Ian Carey Project

There are many examples of naive lyricism in ‘Get Shaky’, my personal choice is: “baby go crazy / break the rules”. ‘Breaking the rules’ is a huge cliché in music writing, especially when you consider the fact that this song has a video that is shown on the television. The video shows children in school breakdancing in the corridors. At some point breakdancing may have been a defiant artform or a rebellion, however it isn’t anymore. There are many breakdancing championships, and schools that can teach you how to do it, which often undermines the counter-culture, non-conformist, vibe of a movement. Ironically, in order for the video to have been made, the film crew would have had to get permission from 1) the school, 2) the children (if they are children) and 3) the children’s parents. This is where anything on television touting a “break the rules” message is so incredibly insincere and false, because the entire process, from writing the song, recording the song, recording the video to actually getting the video on TV, would require the team to have jumped through so many administrative hoops it hardly embodies a “break the rules” ethos at all. A more direct reason the “break the rules” line doesn’t stand up is the lacklustre delivery of the line, which sounds as though it is sung by an uncaring wretch forcing out a last breath before finally embracing death.

Pop needs to learn a valuable lesson: a drum machine and a skittering synth does not add up to an actual song. If you must insist on attempting a minimalist synth approach, learn something from Susumu Hirasawa beforehand.

4 - Behind Closed Doors – Peter Andre

I was encouraged by the sound of actual instruments at the beginning of the track, but soon I was disappointed. Real instruments? Oh wait, no, I am just being teased by a repeated overdriven guitar loop. Driven electric guitar goes with a tinkly computerised drumbeat and auto-tuned pop aaahings like beans and sick.

The picture chosen for this radio rip track by the YouTube user is Peter standing next to Chris Moyles holding a t-shirt which reads “I’VE JUST BEEN INTERVIEWED BY CHRIS MOYLES” which sounds less like a proud exclamation and more like a sobbing statement given to the police.

Now, Peter Andre is likely enjoying renewed popularity due to the vast coverage of his split with Katie Price / Jordan and so the appearance of the line: “Who’d have known / That our life would be so exposed?” rings slightly hollow because the answer should be: You, Peter. You should have known when you sold the rights to your wedding and filmed documentaries following your every move. Buffoon.

3 - Ready for the Weekend – Calvin Harris

Piano, bass, drums – I was tempted to go easy on this track as the bile in my throat was making it hard to breathe, the track is less aggressive and brain-numbing than the other entries, but I was unable to hold on to my enthusiasm past the intro.

The abundance of leotard clad ‘beauties’ in the video left me empty inside, and the soul-crushing nature of the vacuous line “I put on my shoes and I’m ready for the weekend” is unutterably depressing.

2 - Never Leave You – Tinchy Stryder ft Amelle Berrabah

When given the option of who they would repatriate first; Coolio or Tinchy Stryder, a young female BNP voter recently decided that Mr Stryder would be the first to get the boot. Now, as a rule, I don’t agree with the BNP on any level, and so it worries me that I desire to see the back of Tinchy Stryder. My reason for wanting him gone is different from the BNP, however, as I have no qualms with his not being a member of the British master-race (and what fantastic specimens we are), I have a far more direct complaint, the song is, as I’m sure you expected, awful.

Having clicked a link to an ‘interactive’ video of the song on his website, I was privy to an experience which I’m depressingly sure many people will find ‘nifty’. Run the cursor over the video as it plays and little informational tabs will pop up, telling you what you are pointing at. This was useful for me, as this confirmed my suspicion that the prancing poseur was indeed Tinchy Stryder. I used the pointer to discover that the woman in the video was Amelle Berrabah, who was rumoured to ft in the video, and the white cube carved into a throne is a ‘custom mod chair’. For cynical people it will become quickly apparent that this gimmicky video player is merely a trick to slam further advertising down your face, letting you know that the background is ‘Black Island Studios’, his jeans are ‘Armani Vintage Style Denim’ and his glasses are ‘Louis Vuitton Evidence Sunglasses’. I like to imagine that the glasses are ‘evidence’ in a court case where someone had pulled them off his pouting face and used them to stab him in his pretentious burke gland.

Amusingly, this feature was, at the very least, interesting, and did distract me from the actual song, which is a good thing. The most amusement was garnered, however, when I paused the video and it fell out of sync, meaning that it described Amelle Berrabah’s arse as ‘Barbour Quilted Jacket’. Throughout, Stryder’s clothes are described with advertising spiel, though Amelle’s dress receives no advertisements, and wherever you run the cursor over her it merely sports the tab “Amelle Berrabah”. This technology certainly hints at the eventual crossover of two internet genres, the streaming pop video and the flash dress-up game.

If that ever happens, you will have heard it here first. And it will be horrible.

Round up and go away.

10 – Remedy – Little Boots

9 – Get Shaky – Ian Carey Project

8 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

7 – Beat Again – JLS

6 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

5 – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce

4 – Behind Closed Doors – Peter Andre

3 – Ready for the Weekend – Calvin Harris

2 – Never Leave You – Tinchy Stryder ft Amelle

1 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas