The Cheek: Contribution #1

Here is a copy of an article I wrote for The Cheek (Issue #7). A shiny version can be found at The Cheek.

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Thanks to the rising availability of computer generated music it is possible for any talentless banshee to create a grating, repetitive dance track, and more often than not, they do. In the vast mire of commercially available dance headaches it is necessary for a track to have a unique selling point in order to stand out.

Acts used to incorporate a direct plea to have their music played, using attention grabbing titles such as Hey DJ and the less ambiguous Hey DJ (Play That Song). And who could forget the forgettable hit from DJ RCT Ow DJ (You Gonna Play This Song or What Like?).

It is interesting, then, to see Cascada rise to the top of the charts with the track Evacuate the Dancefloor, which does not employ these gimmicky methods. In fact it seems Cascada have utilised schoolyard reverse psychology in order to manufacture heavy rotation of their track, emploring everyone within cacophonous yelping distance to remove themselves from the area reserved for rhythmic motions, or Evacuate the Dancefloor, if you'd prefer.

Odd that a song would describe it's own noise as "like an overdose", the symptoms of which include dizziness, disorientation, nausea, vomiting, and oscillopsia. Having listened to the track I can confirm some side effects, and to be honest I am touched by the band's honest and frank admission. In listening to the track I certainly experienced a degree of nausea.

The singer also claims to have been "infected by the sound". Wikipedia describes an infection as "the detrimental colonization of a host organism by a foreign species". So essentially this track is like music aliens invading your brain, in a bad way. This is supported by the following line "stop this beat is killing me". One wonders how such a dangerous track was ever allowed to be made commercially available.

Worryingly the final line in a number of the choruses is "Hey little DJ let the music take me underground". Even overlooking the extremely patronising "little" in that line, it certainly seems that the lyricist of Cascada is harboring self-destructive tendencies. Far be it for me to speak out against the euthanasia of vacuous dance outfits, some sacrifices are hardly sacrifices at all. It is, however, a harmful message to be sending out for the little dance droids. An alternative version of this line advocates burning the dancefloor, which is despicable. There is nothing funny about arson (not unless you remove the last two letters).

So somehow the mystic music charts have ensured that the number one spot is inhabited by the teeth-grinding noise of Cascada. Cue three and a half minutes of footage of a posing tool. Strangely the woman from Cascada looks remarkably like an R.E. teacher I once had, the main difference being a noticable lack of strutting and wailing to a backing track of ear-rupturing dance noise like a public service announcement from the seventh circle of synth hell. Instead, she taught R.E. I preferred this. Unquestionably, the woman from Cascada is attractive, and that is, of course, enough to get to Number One, even pipping the recently deceased Michael Jackson to the post.

What we can learn from this is that you can't cheat your way to the top by using cheap gimmick titles for your songs, or by dying suddenly just before a huge farewell tour. It is also possible that Jacko isn't number one because a consensus wasn't reached about which song to back. There is nothing worse than a disorganised fan-base. Apart from death. Jackson just can't win. I suppose it is some consolation for him that "woo"-filled funk-fest Billie Jean reached number two. It's what he would have wanted, though he probably would have preferred a number one. And not to have died.

Congratulations are in order to Cascada however, they now enjoy their place in an elite group of artists that have achieved Number Ones over the years, their contemporaries include Bob the Builder and Crazy Frog. Truly the highest echelon of musical recognition.