I've got a feeling, it is Top Ten nausea.

Upon researching this second instalment of the moribund Top Ten Review blog, I discovered that there is less movement from week to week in the singles chart than I had expected. Which is both a good thing, and a bad thing. This means that there are 8 tracks that I have already touched upon, and as such you can just search for the original entries on those songs should you desire an analysis / deconstruction / angry rant of them. This also means that in order to justify this as a sumptuous blog entry it is necessary to delve deeper into the two tracks that I am unfamiliar with.

I stared into the abyss, and it mewled hateful inane computerpop at me.

10 - I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Two songs in the list for the Black Eyed Peas this week then. As I've already expressed my feelings of their other track, the song titled as if in tribute to a Batman fight scene, Boom Boom Pow, I feel I must warn you that I have just as much bile for this track. It was with a degree of trepidation that I listened to this song, as I was worried that the Peas had decided to undertake a Beatles cover, which thankfully is not the case, however this does ensure that the Feeling alluded to in the title is a far less profound one than might be expected from the Beatles.

This is indeed the case, as the entent of this predictive Feeling is that 'it is going to be a good night'. Far be it for me to decree that songs should in some way attempt to throw a mirror up to society in some way, perhaps reveal some insights into the human condition, but as a matter of personal taste, I prefer songs to be endeavors in that direction. Hearing a song whose only aim seems to be the glorification of 'having a good night' seems stricken with a forehead-creasing paucity of ambition. Yay! Woo! Hurrah! It's gonna be a good night I reckon.

This unifying rallying cry isn't helped by the music, which is a combination of a repetetive one-string melody, a repetitive one-key melody and a repetitive one-beat rhythm. Now repetition can be a powerful artistic technique, as long as the repetition repeats repeatable aspects worth repeating. Just repeating, like, something, like, that isn't, like, worth repeating, like, only, like, decracts from the experience like.

There are however some truly standout lyrics in this song, such as the eternal line: "Go out and smash it / Like oh my god". The trouble with this instruction is that 'smashing it', to my knowledge at least, isn't a phrase in any vernacular when used to mean what they intend in this line. "Did you go out last night?" "Yeah I went out and smashed it" "Excuse me?". Perhaps they intended the line to be "Go out and have a smashing time" Pip pip. Of course I am incandescent with impotent despair at the line "like oh my god", which is so heavily laden with cliche that it is surprising the music doesn't distort around it, like a VHS that's been played too often. I think heavily cliched phrases seem to suck sense into them like a black hole, leaving anyone in the vicinity with a brain feeling drained and nauseated.

Like most successful pop songs the lyrics in this track are infused with the maximum amount of vagueness it is possible to have while still actually using words. References to jumping off sofas (PARTAY!) and burning roofs (What?) abound in what is a pitiable nothing-fest of a song. Perhaps the most telling line is "Look at her dancing, move it, move it, just take it off", which is a mix between a plea to anyone watching the music video to just watch the dancers in the hope this will distract them from the emptiness of the lyrics, and at the end the line devolves into a frightening glimpse at the thought process of a lech that's lost control. Go on, just take it off, you dirty dancing slag.

Which is essentially how they run the entire video, ticking as many of the stereotypical male-interest boxes as possible: nudity, near-to-nudity, grinding, showers and lesbians. They missed out alcohol and football but the lyrics are so vague it is possible to incorporate these at your own whim. This song could be boiled down to the bare essentials of having the phrase 'mediocre hedonism' flashed into your face for a few minutes. Perhaps the strangest scene is one where the 'band' have had their faces painted with luminous paint, making them look like The Black and White Minstrel Show repackaged for the Nu Rave generation.

The other new entry to the list is:

6 - Diamond Rings - Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

Plinky first wave ska rhythms infuse this track, which would usually ensure that a song receives a good review from me, being a big fan of anything within the skaosphere. The problems begin with this track when it becomes obvious that it is in fact not a ska track at all, but an example of pop-rap with a plentiful helping of quavery diva-pop woahings for a chorus. The generic computer generated drumbeat takes the upstroking guitar riffs and the funky noise of the horn section so far away from enjoyable.

There is a thin line between being confident, self-assured and being an absolute swell-head. Chipmunk fits into the latter category. Rap seems to be, largely, the domain of the unforgivably arrogant, and the offerings of Mr Chipmunk include:

"I'm such a classy guy

designer shades hide my eyes

I look good with a face like mine

how the hell could i be camera shy"

(http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=3&id=1034626)

There is something unspeakably hateful about the line "I look good with a face like mine", it is either the bucket-filling conceit of the man, or the circular argument he's chosen to illustrate it.

It is possibly hypocritical to type this on my laptop, from in my room full of stuff, but the song is also far too interested in materialism, in designer shades and the titular diamond rings. Obviously there must be an audience for this sort of peacocking otherwise this song wouldn't be on this list, but it is just depressing that there are people for whom this is important, shiny things. People should get a grip and realise what is really important; guitars, books and hats. Yeah.

However, more than the rampant stuff-worship, it is the way in which this magpiesque fascination is voiced that rubs me up the wrong way. In particular the line: My new diamond rings / They're the shit. Truly a line to render anyone who believes that there is any sort of poetry dead inside. The pedestrian nature of that line is just offensive. It is also strange considering the video has opted for a 1930s style, which clashes more than contrasts with the lyrics.

In terms of this song I will you leave you with Chipmunk's prediction of the future, he claims: "I aint gonna be a one hit wonder", which could be true. I am unsure as to whether #6 in the charts counts as a hit, though I doubt this is what he means. He follows this line with: "I am forever, call me diamond man". No, I will call you Chipmunk. You chose that silly name, and now you have to live with it.

There would be something chilling about the line "I am forever" if it wasn't uttered by a bulbheaded posturing tool stuttering out his asinine observations. No, surely it will be me, the snide, critical, sneering blogger that will be forever. Yeah. I am eternal.

But hey! What should I listen to instead?

I would suggest the album Men's Needs, Women's Needs, Whatever. by The Cribs. A well rounded and catchy indie rock offering that is as enjoyable as it is considered. Very. And with a new album in the near future it is a perfect time to acqaint yourself with their backcatalogue.

You see, I am able to be positive about noise also.

RoundupRoundupRoundup

10 - I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

9 - Release Me - Agnes

8 - Knock You Down - Keri Hilson

7 - Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

6 - Diamond Rings - Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

5 - When Love Takes Over - David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

4 - Paparazzi - Lady Gaga

3 - Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

2 - Bulletproof - La Roux

1 - Evacuate the Dancefloor - Cascada