Cabeza Diez, or in English, the Top Ten.

The Sundays appear with worrying haste for my taste, but when Sunday comes it brings with it another Top Ten snide-a-thon. There are three new entrants into this week’s Ten, including (oh em gee) a new Number One! Of course the phrase “Number One” ain’t what it used to be. It is, of course, a joke, which is what I will make of it. Then let’s begin.

Cruzzing in at Number Nine is:

9 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

The main message of this song seems to be that someone wants the singer, and luckily for them, perhaps, the singer also wants them, though they, in true pop song tradition, remain unnamed. It is quite difficult for me to follow half of this song, as they have taken a Dora the Explorer approach to song writing, with an educational half-and-half approach to the lyrics, infusing repetitive idiotic English lyrics with what I am driven to assume are repetitive idiotic Spanish lyrics.

The presumably fan-heard lyrics that accompany this song on the tube of you include

“Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey,

look like King Kong, welcome to the crib”

Now I assume that this is insulting, unless the writer has trouble with simile. I don’t know whether or not this ‘Mami’ has a backside which is comparable to the backside of a donkey, or whether her backside is like a donkey, inasmuch as she has a donkey sticking out of her arse. Alternatively, the ‘Mami’ could be the front half of a pantomime horse, which the Latino writer has confused for a donkey, as most likely no one would dress up in a costume of that kind in a Spanish speaking country just in case they are mobbed and thrown off a church.

Unimaginative drums abound accompanied by a minimalist approach to all other instruments involved, with synth pings, guitar bursts and trumpet parps occasionally joining the fray.

The most memorable lines from this song are, in the words of XOXOKISKISXOXO:

“one-two-three-four
Uno-do'-tres-cuatro”

Quite literally music by numbers.

7 – Poppiholla – Chicane

A mellow trance offering in the Top Ten this week, from everyone’s favourite way of pronouncing chicken; Chicane. The music is a mix of a despair-inducing mind-numbing busy default-trance drumbeat, with the piano melody picked out by what seems to be a previously talented pianist who unfortunately lost all but one finger in a terrible accident and as such is forced to pick out as interesting a melody as possible whilst only utilising one key per go. Other noises in this track were created by 1) keeping the beat with an air-freshener and, 2) allowing the wind to blow through a particularly musical crevice (or possibly a crevasse).

The video, then, is a more intriguing offering, with a haggard and worn hoodie-type individual stalking the streets like an emotionless, yet threatening automaton. First he scares a bedraggled woman at an ATM, then disgusts the lady who lives at Number 8, then gets sneered at by two dodgy looking white blokes and pitied by a taxi driver. For me, this is the first part of the story, where the hoodie-character is built up to look like a yob, with this presumptuousness being subverted in the second part.

Or does get subverted? The man leapfrogs a fence, and upon landing breaks into a sprint which incorporates the techniques of both Lynford Christie and a futuristic detached killing machine (or Terminator if you will). He then proceeds, during his sprint, to knock tea out of a bloke’s hands, knock paper out of a woman’s hands, and upturn a waiter’s tray, dousing everyone in the vicinity with chilled beverage. This, rather pedestrian, chaos is initiated in order to perform an unconvincing rugby tackle on a ditsy looking girl who is fully enraptured with her phone, playing snake 2 presumably, and is about to get seriously brained by some falling stonework. Having saved this gormless youth from brick-induced-brain-death she then lies on his chest looking at him backwards like a confused but ultimately disinterested halibut wrenched awkwardly from the watery deeps. The video then fades out.

It is an instrumental piece, though likely no actual instruments were used, and as such there are no accompanying lyrics in order to disentangle this gripping drama. Perhaps the message is: “don’t judge hoodies because they are actually mediocre vigilante superheroes there to save vacuous phone-dwellers from death-by-unstable-masonry”. Maybe there is no message. The amount of stonework that actually fell was unimpressive, considering the apocalyptic SFX we are used to as viewers of film, though likely the phone-girl would disagree.

Trance isn’t really my thing, but everyday heroism is. The film portrays a good deed, though the trail of soaking by-standers may disagree.

And new in at Numero Uno (as Pitbull would say):

1 – Beat Again – JLS

A, perhaps, unlikely entrant in the Number One slot for X-Factor leftovers JLS. It is possible they are enjoying success on the back of the death of Michael Jackson, as a four-man black boyband would of course draw comparisons to the Jackson 5.

What struck me first whilst watching their video, apart from a feeling of my own impending seppuku, was that one of them was wearing a dickie-bow. Clever put-downs and wordy insults aside; what a twat. The video is an example of clever filming, as they have heavily utilised dynamic camerawork to disguise the fact they look like diarrhetic ducks with ants in their pants, prancing around in order to clench tighter. This is made all the more disgusting by their insistence on maintaining a facade of vomit-inducing squinting and pouting faux-sincerity. Ych a fucking fi.

The music then is computer-generated nothingness bleeping and blooping around the same old vague lyrics. I believe I have, however, deciphered the meaning of their song. It is the touching tale of the love and loss of their liver. Stay with me.

Lines such as:

“Damn,

the doctor’s just finished telling me,

there’s no time,

losing you could be the end of me”.

And:

“they’re telling me that my heart won’t beat again”

suggest that the writer of the song has been involved in a botched operation, where his liver was accidentally removed. As everyone knows, the liver is an essential piece of kit when it comes to being alive, and having no liver would put extraneous stress on your heart, resulting in death. Now go back and read those lines and tell me I am wrong. Yeah~.

The confusing line “If I die / would you come to my funeral?” is likely due to the writer suffering greatly due to the slow collapse of his bodily organs, and this has led to him/her considering whether, in the event of the anthropomorphic transformation of his liver, whether it would then attend the ceremony commemorating his/her death. Yeah I know, what a weird song.

If you bought that single, Simon Cowell is laughing up his sleeves, or more likely, down his trousers at you.

Here is the full list for posterity, which means to insert up your posterior.

10 – Diamond Rings – Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

9 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

8 – Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson

7 – Poppiholla – Chicane

6 – When Love Takes Over – David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

5 – Paparazzi – Lady Gaga

4 – Bulletproof – La Roux

3 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

2 – Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada

1 – Beat Again – JLS