And there was Top Ten!

And here begins what blogologists are already calling "Another one of those blog thingys you may have heard about". It is a simple premise I'm sure you will all warm to:

Boy meets Radio 1 Top Ten Chart (every Sunday) and talks snidely about the songs therein. You'll have to pretend that the riff from Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love is playing over my analyses, as actually having the track play on this page would be hugely annoying.

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH! (rinse repeat).

Starting off this enterprise in a possibly distasteful way it's an unlikely replacement for Gordon Brown at Number 10 it's:

10 - Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

Renewed popularity and chart appearances will likely offer little consolation for everyone's favourite alleged paedophile Micky Jack as he enjoys his first week in whatever afterlife he currents moonwalks in. The appearance of prophetic hit Billie Jean in the Top 10 has particular poignancy amid speculation that Jackson was in no way biologically involved in the creation of his children. "That kid is not my son" indeed. Rumours abound that it is not Billie Jean that will get custody of the children, but singer/actress Diana Ross.

9 - Mama Do - Pixie Lott

The Number Nine slot is filled this week by generic airbrushed 'diva' and punchline to the joke "What do you call a woman who is often nose-mining for boogers" Pixie Lott. Ms Lott falls comfortably into the Gwen Stefani school of poppelganger. This track contains a subtitle in parenthesis, Uh oh, uh oh, which is a surprisingly apt summation of my reaction to the noise contained therein. The Grade 1 plinking of piano keys is beautifully complimented by the deranged percussion of clapping. The vacuous pop instrument of choice, as always, is the hand. Hands feature heavily in the video aswell, in one sequence, which will surely be remembered as the iconic scene of the video, a line of fashionably dressed poseur men play pattacake with a line of skantily clad poseur women. In fairness the pattacake playing is quite energetic, but it is still, nevertheless, pattacake. Of course when I say this is the scene that will be remembered what I mean is the entire song will be forgotten and Pixie Lott will likely not even be worth putting to work in a Buzzcocks line-up (the show or the band).

8 - Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft Kanye West and Ne-yo

Hip-hop non-entity Keri Hilson is joined by both rampant egomaniac and all-round despicable human being Kanye West and the man with a name like Japanese phrase signalling agreement Ne-yo, in order to give this track a smidgen of credibility. What is most striking about this song is the unbelievably painful repetitive synth which seems to have been composed by a maniac and played by an elephant in boxing gloves. However on closer inspection it is the lyrics that are the most notable in this song. Lines like: "I used to be commander-in-chief of my pimp ship flying high" that truly single this track out as an outstanding piece of art. I am in awe of the particularly topical references and also the breathtaking metre in the lines: "This is bad, real bad Michael Jackson / Now I'm mad, real mad Joe Jackson". This song truly is bad, real bad Michael Jackson, as further demonstrated by the line: "You should leave your boyfriend now, I'ma ask 'em". What a wonderfully 2D world Kan-yo lives in (I have created this amalgamation because I have no idea which is which). Another line features Kan-yo declaring that he was the 'class clown' which is ironic given his famous sense of humour, or lack of one, but it is what we have all come to expect from him, he is after all, a gay fish.

7 - Release Me - Agnes

Complaining gently into seventh place is another poppelganger, this time with the name of a middle aged Scottish grump, no it isn't Susan Boyle, it's Agnes. This song has opted for violins rather than piano, which makes me hate it less just for offering the tiniest fraction of variety in this frankly stale countdown. However the video soon makes me fall in hate with this song, with juddery dancing and camera technique adding to the vague creeping nausea already instigated by the music. There is also far too much casual nuzzling in the video for my liking. If someone is nuzzling you I believe it is polite to acknowledge it in some way, at the very least, don't just whinge out your tedious track. From what I can tell the message of this track is fairly controversial, with a strong pro-euthanasia standpoint being taken throughout: "no, i'm not in control, so let me go, release me". Just point me to the plug Agnes, and I will pull it with pleasure.

6 - Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

I'm unsure whether I was watching the real video for this or a Vista advert with the track spliced over it, whichever, I wasn't pleased. More than the hateful vocal and musical stylings I was angered by the surreal dating methods used by this outfit. "Two thousand and late" is not a year. 200Late. It doesn't work, FURY. There are also references to "cybertron" in the song, which is worrying as this track could very well be, barely, coded messages to the Decepticons. If our world is brought to the brink of destruction by robots in disguise I will be furious, and will pin the blame squarely on the name-stealing piss-pants Fergie. With the inability to use accepted dating systems and references to Transformers this track certainly seems to have been written, and composed, by a child, with lines such as: "This beat go boom boom" which are not only idiotic,they are also an innacurate representation of the beat. The Black Eyed Peas must not be big fans of Flight of the Conchords, as a similar track already exists which sends up the idiotic repetitive use of "boom".

5 - Paparazzi - Lady Gaga

The incredibly Swedish opening to this video does not bely the strangeness to come. The presence of the word 'cunt' in the subtitles is quite a good hint though. I'm uncertain as to who the Lady Gagger's target audience is, she seems to be a poppelganger cut from a Toxic-era Britney Spears mold. In line with this the video contains a vaguely distasteful combination of bdsm and morbidity. I don't really know where I stand on this video as it contains far too much footage of the Lady Gagger in a wheelchair with a neck brace on, and subsequently juddering around on crutches, for me to be wholly comfortable watching. With this sort of imagery the video is attempting to make a point about paparazzi & celebrity but in so doing is possibly trivialising disability. In retrospect it was easier when she was in her "I'm stealing David Bowie's face lightning is that okay?" phase. It isn't okay, you Bowie thief.

4 - When Love Takes Over - David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

This track opens to a piano riff cut and paste from the track Clocks by little-known band Coldplay. Let's be fair, if you are going to commit piano-based daylight robbery, you may aswell steal it from a bloody famous song, eh? (as the Canadians say). In the video you are treated to many lovely holiday-snap style shots of Kelly Rowland looking lovely with her massive face and her holey dress, and also to footage of, who I presume to be, David Guetta pushing his dance-creating equipment around a city on a trolley looking for all the world like a techno tramp. This song is really much of a nothingness, which will ensure that it is this summer's anthem that pilled-up sweaty Ibizagoers will spread their STI's to. Lovely.

3 - Bulletproof - La Roux

Slamming synthilly into the Number Three is the androgenously fronted synthy-synth duo La Roux. The track is the distant aural cousin of fond childhood memory of millions: the theme from Tetris. This is augmented by having a very abstract video, which has a particularly 'boxy' feel to it. There is a very definite edge to the check-out-attendant-having-a-nervous-breakdown chic that is sported by La Roux. Interestingly I discovered that her mother holds the record for longest ever serving actor in stalwart British police drama The Bill, meaning that she also holds the record for longest time spent playing a police character (according to the trustworthy and accurate Wikipedia). I suppose you would believe yourself to be bulletproof as well if your mother was a police (acting) demigod. There's a joke about Acting-Sergeant etc in there somewhere. I have also attempted not to pass comment on her hair, which I'm sure is very cool, though occasionally she does resemble Egon from The Real Ghostbusters.

2 - Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

He moonwalks in the footsteps of Tupac, another place in the Top Ten for the dead man (not the Undertaker). Strangely there is footage of La Roux in an old video of Man in the Mirror hosted by YouTube.

Jacko is unable to avoid irony, and the opening lines "I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life" are no exception to this rule, providing the need for me to explain that he is unable to make a change, as he is dead. On the comment section of this very same video I found this moving message:

mrbeanslefthandman (19 minutes ago)

I want to make a change for once in my life. I want to stop eating pizzas and change my diet to high protein and low carb diet. The man in the mirror is looking pretty fat. Micheal there is no doubt you were the best in the world you have motivated me to get rid of the tyres round my belly.

I feel that there can be no more fitting a tribute than this completely unrelated tangential one to the, if we're lucky, one and only Michael Jackson.

1 - Evacuate the Dancefloor - Cascada

And at Number One; the teeth-grinding noise of Cascada. Cue three and a half minutes of footage of a posing tool. Strangely the woman from Cascada looks remarkably like an R.E. teacher I once had (teaching me), except I quickly warmed to the R.E. teacher as she did not spend most of her time strutting and booming middle of the road dance noise like a public service announcement from the seventh circle of synth hell. Instead, she taught R.E. I preferred this. Unquestionably, the woman from Cascada is attractive, and that is enough to get to Number One, so there. She now enjoys her place in an elite group of artists that include Bob the Builder and Crazy Frog, truly the highest echelon of music recognition. Huzzah.