Correspondence in Twilight

I suppose this is pretty much cheating but I may as well put it here.  Please find enclosed below a message sent to a friend regarding the film Twilight.

Hay Daf, I was wondering if the very popular film Twilight was still running in the cinema, as I would like to go and see it, due to the overwhelming torrent of good news I have heard in regards to it.

One of the main good points I have heard in regard to this film is that the lead role is played simply amazingly, in what some would describe as a tour de force from the main man, Edward Cullen.

I have also heard tell that the film contains very realistic character motivation, so much so that you can almost imagine yourself acting exactly as the characters would were you put into their situation. Also it is a credit to Edward Cullen's majestic acting ability that he is able to transform a character so typically connected to iciness and callousness, namely a vampire, into a character which is able to inflame the gussets of unstable women with tendencies to necrophilia across the country, even the world.

I am also confused as to how the main character, as played by Edward Cullen, is able to have ‘marble arms’ as he is oft reported as having. For me, the pros of having arms made out of marble are surely dwarfed by the cons, especially for a vampire. The description of ‘marble arms’ reminds me more of characters such as Hellboy or the Thing. The idea that the scrawny frame of Edward Cullen could handle to immense weight that arms made out of marble would mean is utterly farcical. Even if they were arms made out of less cumbersome stone material it would still cause more problems than they would solve. For arms of granite, slate or pebbledash bring with them their own set of unique setbacks.

Perhaps if the character played by Edward Cullen had teeth made out of granite, rather than arms, this could be of more use to his vampiric deeds. For instance this would ensure that if human blood was in short supply he would be able to feast upon animals with thicker hides, such as bison, ox or elephant.
It is with no malice or facetiousness that I suggest that Edward Cullen would be unable to function with marble arms. It brings me great emotional stress to imagine poor old Edward, dragging his rocky limbs behind him, with his pebbled knuckles dragging through the mire, making him look less like a vampire and more like an undead miserable ape.
Apart from this, I think that it is probably a very good cinematic experience.

I provide this picture of a devoted fan.

To clarify, the message, above, is an elaborate ploy in order to infuriate the gentlemen who's picture I have so professionally doctored.

Upon discovering my message and photograph, he had the following to say:

Please note that this is not a speech bubble emanating from my person, rather it is some poor unfortunate who has undergone radical cosmetic surgery in order to transform their skull into a gargantuan monstrosity which conveys their perverse love for an entirely fictitious and unbelievable character from a piece of second rate literature. In fact, this should not be considered literature, rather it should be considered glorified novelty toilet paper which is provided in a convenient package capable of being secreted inside one's handbag or knapsack. 



The gurn into which I have sculpted my mug is, in fact, a manner which I adopted in order to convey my delirious abhorrence at the time. It is also used in order to convey my contempt for the mental patient who underwent the aforementioned surgery. 



Furthermore, I adopted this dress in order to portray the commonly held stereotype of vampiric costume and not to emulate an absolutely infuriating character who causes me to physically vomit into my own mouth and spit it out into my hand, or if there is a Christ available, his gaping anus. 

I would like to voice my absolute disgust and hurt regarding the connotations of this photograph, which was clearly meant to be interpreted out of context.



Due to the stress and upset caused to me and my family, I shall be seeking legal aid and also the services of a qualified assassin, brute and all round ruffian in order to extract both legal and natural justice from your person.
Yours sincerely,
Disgruntled in Trefforest.

p.s "Twilight" is arse-mangle (ruinous feces and buttocks) of the highest order and i want everything about it to stop being. Long live literature! Down with Stephanie Meyer! May her creations be condemned to book-nazi bonfires.

I hope that this epic is as humorous to an onlooker as it is to me.

P.S. The matter has since been settled out of court for an undisclosed fee.