Apologies in Advance

Recently I have had the dubious privilege of being shown a fairly underground, at this point, internet video that is a meme in the making.

 

The video is utterly based around a man, and a jar.

 

The scene opens to show a towel on the floor, and a pair of human legs, which, due to the presence of a penis and two testicles at the top of them, I assume belong to a male of the human species.  The man potters around for awhile, eventually placing a jar on the towel, the type of jar that would usually be utilised for the storage of jam or similar foodstuffs.

 

The man then proceeds to position himself above the jam jar, and eases himself into a squatting position, pausing only to realign the jar.

 

Now at this point in the viewing, a general uneasy feeling began to develop in the area which I would describe as my stomach.  This is a feeling that could perhaps be described as apprehension or unease.  I realised that my abilities of prediction and forewarning had struck too late and I was transfixed by this scene, as if I’d locked eyes with a terrifying, and sordid, hypnotic snake.  Like something off’ve the Jungle Book, but with roughly 100% more anal insertion.

 

Before I describe the rest of the scene, there are a number of issues that arise that I feel I must address before I can move on.  The jar is an unusual choice of anal toy, especially when considering its considerable girth; the jar is not an item that is ergonomically suited to insertion into an anal cavity.  In fact, traditionally, anal toys are usually thinner and longer than the jar, which is a far stubbier and wider beast.

 

Nevertheless the man went through with his ill-conceived scheme, and in a feat which is as impressive as it is disgusting, successfully accommodated the jam jar almost fully into his gaping anus.

 

Just to clarify, I was significantly more disgusted than I was impressed.

 

Now this utopian scene, this hallowed union of anus and jar was ill-fated, and soon the scene turns sour.  Still in the squat position, there is a noise akin to an impact.  For a couple of seconds it is uncertain what has transpired.  Then it slowly becomes clear.

 

The anal tunnel is surely not designed with the give of it’s vaginal cousin, and as such the pressure in there had caused the jar to pop.

 

Now, popping is usually a humorous and positive thing, but in this example that is certainly not the case.  When a balloon is popped, there is a moment of surprise, and then laughter.  When a tube of smarties is popped and the little plastic lid flies off into the face of an unfortunate friend; that too augurs laughter.

 

When a glass jar pops in the distended anus of a human man, and the plastic lid drops to the floor, its faded gingham pattern now tragic rather than twee, this does not create laughter.

 

Another argument in favour of traditional sex toys rather than jam jars, in the context of anal insertion, is that while jars are usually made of glass, the sex toys are usually made of more malleable material, such as rubber.  The upside of rubber of course is that it is not going to shatter.

 

The rest of the video is a hideous minute of a man, still in the squat position, performing an anal autopsy on the sundered remains of his anus.  Silence reigns in the video as a small puddle of an anal porridge of blood, shit and glass slowly collects on the towel.  When the man eventually stands, the audience is treated to a blood-curdling and lesson-teaching wail.

 

The presence of the towel in this video suggests something I would rather not entertain, namely, the possibility that the man had foreseen the exploding of the jar, and perhaps even had done this before.

 

I seriously hope this isn’t the case, as I believe you can only explain away your tattered post-apocalyptic arsehole as an accident once.  Not even the NHS is going to believe you a second time.

 

This video has upset me deeply, and in order to come to terms with this anal daredevil I have found it necessary to compose a short poem I have entitled:

 

The Parable of the Man and the Jar…in his bum

 

 

!!POETRY ALERT!!

 

1: The Jar

 

Oh container, usually reserved

For the storage of preserves

Your gingham lid cannot anticipate your fate.

 

2: The Man

 

After meticulously placing his utensils,

A sane man he is not,

He prepares, he squats.

 

3: Ode to a Jam Jar

 

Oh! you poor little jar,

Look how far in you’ve gone.

You are entombed in your faecal gaol,

Embalmed in pooh,

Is this too much for you?

A base act: taking a jam case up you,

Your rim filled to the brim,

Can only end in tears,

Tears from your eyes; and anal weeping wounds.

 

4: Urgh

I used to know very little of matters,

Where in your arse a jam jar shatters,

The day was filled with a spluttering retch,

Because of a jar up the arse of a letch,

My knowledge of this now is such,

That I believe I know too much.

 

 

Sorry for having passed this story on, I won’t link the video, for obvious reasons.