The script was read/played by:
Narrator: Me
Cannonby: AM Caradog Llywelyn
Carmarthen Bevan: Me
Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans
Bludonna Snow: AM Caradog Llywelyn
Boris: Dafydd Evans
*****
Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
The Further Misfortune of Stephen Teal
Narrator
Drifting restfully over a sea of still and sparkling azure, the crew of Captain Cannonby collectively catch their breath, as a quiet period descends over the fraught group. Nothing can be heard apart from the occasional complaints from passing seagulls, the slow slop of the waves against the proud boards of the magnificent pirate galleon, the Sodden Calamity. The most recent rumpus that befell the reckless crew had them stuck tight in a sea that had frozen over, seemingly in the blink of an eye. They had been caught in the sea-fields of the Octnarwhal, a creature thought to be made completely out of myth, lies and hearsay, but in reality a creature that is created from the component parts of an octopus and a narwhal. It leapt from the sea and set upon the crew, eventually being dislodged by handyman Carmarthen Bevan, but not before hideous damage had been done. Luckless bosun Stephen Teal had become entrapped in the tentacles of the Octnarwhal, and, using its magical powers, had replaced his head with an Octnarwhal egg. Deep in the heart of the Sodden Calamity, Brave Mr. Teal lays, attempting to recover from his injuries, though he is in no way aided by constant visits from his overeager Captain.
CNBY: (exclaiming) Ruddy hells bells man, what in the name of Nefertitis bleached moustache has happened to your head?
BVN: (pleading) Please, Mr Captain, the octnarwhal did him a mischief, you were there, remember.
CNBY: Oh yes. He had an egg for a head. However, his head is no longer an egg.
BVN: Well Captain, you know what eggs do...
CNBY: They scramble! They boil! Scramble and boil with bubbling eggy rage. Fear them Bevan, or they will egg your house.
BVN: I live on a boat.
CNBY: They will egg your boat man! They do not give two hoots for your housing situation.
BVN: Look now, you've missed the point, the egg didn't scramble or boil sir, it hatched.
CNBY: (exclaiming) Nature's miracle! Congratulations Stephen, you've given birth to your head! What's its name?
BVN: He's having trouble speaking sir, he hasn't quite gotten used to passing the vocals through the body of an octnarwhal pup.
TEAL:
CNBY: That's disgusting!
TEAL:
BVN: Look you've upset him now Captain.
CNBY: Son of a bun Stephen Teal, I'm beginning to wish your face had never been born!
TEAL:
Narrator
But for all the Captain's jest in regards to the strange seapuppy that was the mangled face of Stephen Teal, little did they know that it was about to become the main player in a very strange turn of events. For high above the Sodden Calamity, a mysterious hot-air balloon hovers ominously, like a fat wasp ready to poke its stinger into a slack bicep, and the cutting eyes of Bludonna Snow, the world's most prominent seal clubber are locked on the oblivious galleon. The balloon is fitted with an enormous PA system, which its two inhabitants, Ms Snow and her industrious and loyal servant Boris, use to pump out their signature tune in preparation for their assault. And when you hear on the wide of open seas, you know that you are only minutes away from having your seals clubbed.
SNOW: Look at them down there Boris, they have no idea that very soon, I will have clubbed their seal pups into oblivion.
BORIS: I don't see any seals.
SNOW: Of course you don't dear Boris, that is why I am the clubber, and you are the gimp.
BORIS: OK.
SNOW: I can sense one, hiding in the bilges like the filthy rat it is.
BORIS: I thought it was a seal.
SNOW: It is a seal! Enough of this, it is time to strike! Grab my bats Boris, we will jump.
CNBY: It really is a lovely day for a man to have a human head.
CNBY: Hello, you've jumped onto my ship. Who are you?
SNOW: Club him boris.
SNOW: Now to find this seal.
BVN: Oh binbags, they've only gone and conked the Captain, Teal, help me get him to safety.
TEAL:
SNOW: That's distgusting! Why are you wearing a seal on your head? And why does it have a horn? And tentacles?
TEAL: (struggling to speak) i-i-i-t-s o-c-t-n-n-n-n-a-r-w-w-w-h-o-l!
BORIS: That's disgusting.
SNOW: Rubbish, pass me my bat, it may not look like a seal, but like my old master used to say, you can take the seal out of the club, but I will still club the seal. (either this or ad-lip random battle-cry) HAAIYAH!
BVN: Oh no. Don't just stand there Stephen, focus your energies, use horn attack!
TEAL:
SNOW: AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Narrator
With an almighty charge and prod of his mighty octnarwhal horn, Teal sent Snow hurtling through the clear mid-afternoon sky, where she landed safely in her hot-air balloon, because this is a daytime show, and not even the baddies are allowed to die. The crew are straggled over the deck, Carmarthen Bevan looking bemused and befuddled, Stephen Teal nursing his horn and the comatose Captain Cannonby splayed across the boards. Boris stands nearby, attempting to look inconspicuous and nonchalant, which of course makes him all the more apparent, and he is sent to the kitchen to become the ship's chef. And that is how you make friends when you are a pirate.
*****
If you're itching to find out what becomes of Cannonby and his crew, we'll be continuing the story tomorrow (Saturday 14th Nov, 2009) in the second hour of our 12-3 radio show on www.rhonddaradio.com.
A podcast will appear in the middle distance that is the future. This is now certain.
See you there.
