Journal of Cannonby: The Misfortune of Stephen Teal

Since I am working on the radio show I will recycle things I wrote for that here. The following is the script for the 'play' performed on last Saturday's show.

The script was read/played by:

Narrator: Me

Cannonby: Kadoogan Aboogan

Carmarthen Bevan: Me

Stephen Teal: Dafydd Evans

Octnarwhal: Kadoogan Aboogan

*****

Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby

The Misfortune of Stephen Teal

Narrator:

Resting upon uncharted icy seas, the pirate galleon Sodden Calamity, it's crew of scum, villains, ne'erdowells, antiheroes, blackguards, brutes, caitiffs, creeps, criminals, devils, enfant terribles, evildoers, heels, libertines, lowlives, malefactors, mischief-makers, miscreants, offenders, profligates, rapscallions, rascals, reprobates, scoundrels, sinners, wretches and chefs anxiously grope together for warmth against the biting frigid wind. Within the cabin, however, protected by wood and low hanging drapes, the ship's Captain, one Mr Cannonby, is locked in intense debate with his right hand man Carmarthen Bevan. The ship is stuck solid in the unknown frozen seas, and they are righteously flummoxed as to how to escape.

CNBY: (frustrated) Our ship is stuck solid in this unknown frozen sea, and frankly I am rightously flummoxed as to how to escape.

BVN: (reassuring) Now look here Captain, you've just got to calm down, no good ever came from huffing and puffing like a confuddled bandersnatch.

CNBY: (conceding) You're right, we've got to stay cool, if we put our heads together we can overcome any obstacle.

BVN: Correct, we've been through far worse than this Mr Cannonby.

CNBY: (correcting) Captain.

BVN: Oh yes, Captain, sorry Mr Captain.

CNBY: Oh Carmarthen, when we set sail all those years ago, I never envisaged such an icy hell as this. I've been afloat for so long I feel as though I am forgetting why I ever took to the ocean.

BVN: I've been meaning to ask for several lines now, why did you turn to sailing Mr Cannonby.

CNBY: Captain.

BVN: Mr Captain.

CNBY: Carmarthen, when I left the port at Battersea to go to sea, I went to see what I could see, and, you see, I have seen much of the sea, though not as much as there is to see. I've been to as many places as I could reach, as long as it had a beach, my claims you cannot impeach. I've been to gay Paree where they say oui merci, I saw the Pope in Rome and slapped his chrome dome and was sent home, I've slapped a world map from a sack and attempted a geographical rap. I'm experienced is what I'm saying.

BVN: So how do we escape the ice?

CNBY: (improvise a reply if you want, something that means) I have no idea.

Narrator

Throughout this inane dialogue, the Captain and Carmarthen Bevan remain oblivious to the chilly horror that lies beneath the unmoving misty seas. The Sodden Calamity and its foolhardy crew has become stuck in the territory of the Octnarwhal, 50% octopus, 50% narwhal, 100% terror. 7% proof. It looks like a manatee with eight tentacles and a horn coming out of its face. The horror! Luckily the Octnarwhal rarely rises to break through the icy surface of the oceantop, only breaking its endless hibernation when it hears the phantom strains of wafting melodically over the ocean. Oh dear me, it seems Cannonby's crew are in for a shocking time. Shocktnarwhal.

TEAL: Oh, there's nothing like to warm you frozen barnacles on such a night as this. I, Stephen Teal, declare that nothing can ever spoil such a song.

we'll try and bang etc to replicate the cracking of ice and the sound it would make it an Octnarwhal crashed onto a boats deck.

OCNWL: WHICH TOOTHLESS BUFFOON DARES PLAY AND SUMMONS ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER?!

TEAL: WOW! It's an Octnarwhal. Never thought I'd see one of them.

OCNWL: SILENCE SCURVY CUR! I WILL HAVE MY OCTNARWHAL VENGEANCE!

TEAL: Look mate, you are stuck in the boards of the ship by your horn, there's not really much you're going to be able to do.

OCNWL: YOU! YOU ARE TAKING BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS! COME HERE.

TEAL: How stupid do you think I am?

OCNWL: YOU ARE CONVERSING WITH AN OCTNARWHAL!

TEAL: Fair point.

OCNWL: Come here. I have sweets.

TEAL: Well, usually I would never accept sweets from an Octnarwhal but since it is Halloween AAAARGH!

OCNWL: HAHAHAH! NOW I HAVE YOU IN MY INKY TENDRILS!

TEAL: Curse you Octnarwhal, curse you and your octopus tentacles. AAAAAAARGH!

CNBY: What's this ruckus? Good lord! A unicorn!

BVN: No Captain, I think you'll find that is an Octnarwhal.

CNBY: Jordi Cruijff! Get it off my ship!

BVN: Righto.

BVN: Well that's sorted that. Oh man alive, take a look at this...

CNBY: E-gads! Stephen Teal! What's happened to his face?

Narrator

And Carmarthen Bevan looked down upon the face of Stephen Teal, which had become wrapped in the inky tentacle of the fearsome Octnarwhal, and behind the ink, where there used to be eyes, a nose and a mouth, instead, there was one single beige egg. A fortnight later the egg hatched, and Stephen Teal was cursed to live the rest of his life with an Octnarwhal pup for a head.

*****

If you're itching to find out what becomes of Cannonby and his crew, we'll be continuing the story tomorrow (Saturday 7th Nov, 2009) sometime during our 12-3 radio show on www.rhonddaradio.com.

Hopefully we'll be able to podcast it aswell.

Ahoy for now.