I haven't posted one of these scripts for ages, because we stopped doing them. This was the final script that was performed before the huge summer gap. Gap? What's this? Are they to be starting up again? PERHAPS!!
Narrator: Me
Boris: Dafydd
Cannonby: Jean-Pierre le Grenouille
Maude: Me
Vino: Jean-Pierre le Grenouille
Bevan: Me
Nurse: Me
Doktor: Jean-Pierre le Grenouille
Hazel: Dafydd
Boris: Dafydd
************
Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
Come on Baby, Let's Do The Twist.
Narrator
In the last episode of Tales of Cannonby…
BORIS: Here's the hidden passageway!
CNBY: Destroy the gate!
MAUDE: Throw the switch!
Narrator
Waw-ee, lots of exciting happenings and stuff. There is an imminent crushing of Teal and Bludonna on the cards, they are aboot to be crushed into a fleshy winepaste, though we can only hope that Boris' newfound hidden passageway leads directly and conveniently to that chamber but I suppose we'll have to wait to find out won't we? Eh? Eh? Let us join a reflective Mellencamp Vino, who stands in her i-viney tower atop the battlements of Vinehaven…
VINO: Oh, for a goblet of fresh wine! How many moon cycles have I suffered without the gush of wine to slake my tempestuous thirst? *sigh* I had hoped to lead Vinehaven into its most fruitful age, but during my time at the metaphorical helm we have been struck with the worst drought in our history. I'd assumed that dethroning the last Vineleaders and banishing all men from the citadel in a feminist coup d'état would lead to a better Vinehaven for ALL! For all the women at least. But the random thoroughfare through the region has all but died out, which means no fresh blood slash wine for us. You'd think an out of town colony of sexy women would receive more visitors, really. It's all this gender equality business that's ruining it for us. It's political correctness gone mad. *sigh* If I look out of my i-viney tower down upon the courtyard, there's ne'er a person in sight. Oh wait, actually there is. Is this some sort of siege? What the hell is going on?
Narrator
And far below, in the courtyard…
CNBY: Pull your weight you metallic curmudgeon!
BEVAN: Look, Captain! I don't mean to pour vinegar in your toilet, but just shouting at ZX isn't going to make him work any harder. He may look like a robotic killing machine but inside he is a vulnerable fleshy sac just like everyone else.
CNBY: That sounds vulgar, but it isn't! You've won me over with your innuendo-laden logic. I will be satisfied that he is moving at his current pace.
BEVAN: That's very good of you, Captain. Just look at the door there, you can see the outer crust of the polished oak cracking. We'll be able to rush inside in a matter of hours!
CNBY: Won't they have discovered us by then?
BEVAN: Now, Captain. You aren't meant to be the voice of sense in these conversations. If you carry on like that you'll undermine the brittle equilibrium we've built up over these months, and then where would we be?
CNBY: Still stuck outside the Castle?
BEVAN: Touche.
CNBY: That's not really a good enough punchline to deserve a touche.
BEVAN: Touche. Hoist by my own touche-based petard.
CNBY: What is a petard?
BEVAN: Well, according to wikipedia: A petard was a small bomb used to blow up gates and walls when breaching fortifications.
CNBY: Well that's unbelievably coincidental, given the situation we are currently in. Bevan! Don't hoist yourself with that petard, use it to destroy the gate.
BEVAN: Captain, given the flexible nature of radio broadcasting as a medium which requires imagination to really enjoy, and also the chaotic nature of this very story, your suggestion to use the petard I hoist myself with to blow up the gates is both as lazy and idiotic as it is genius.
CNBY: That's the way I sail! Blow the gates!
BEVAN: Yes sir!
Narrator
But as the straight-forward team had concocted their petard-based scheme, Boris and the medical-centric characters were sneaking their way through the secret passages hoping to use the cack-handed distraction of Cannonby in their own clandestine plot to rescue Teal and Bludonna.
BORIS: I see light at the end of the tunnel!
NURSE: I see nothing within that sentence which could be misconstrued for comic effect.
DOKTOR: Correct.
BORIS: There's a big ol' room just beyond the aperture here, it looks like a cross between a wine cellar and a brewery. There're two beautiful women who are manning, sorry, there are two beautiful women who are womanning a lever, looking to bring down a giant mechanic foot and crush Teal and Bludonna into wine OH MY GOTT!
DOKTOR: Finally, we're back to the plot.
MAUDE: Throw the switch!
HAZEL: Yes, Miss Maude.
BORIS: (really long and drawn out) STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
(sound of switch being thrown, foot descending and crushing Teal and Bludonna)
Narrator
Well I did not expect that. It is a bit abrupt isn't it? I mean I can see what they were going for, trying to undermine story cliches by actually killing off the hostages but surely that's not the answer? I mean it wasn't particularly funny. I think I've lost faith in this story now, I don't think I'm even going to listen next week. See how you start the episode then. Think you can just play with the listeners emotions like that, killing off long-running popular characters. Who do you think you are, Eastenders? Or 24? Or The Wire? I would imagine. I've not seen any of them. Well you aren't, you are The Tales of Cannonby, and next week you will continue to be, the Tales of Cannonby! Come back to see what happens, who knows, it might be some kind of trick, or magic-ear puzzle. On the Tales of Cannonby! They are definitely dead though. (gap) Or are they? Eh? Eh? They are yeah. (gap) They might not be though. (gap) See how I feel. (gap) On the Tales of Cannonby!!!!
*******
It was left on a ludicrous cliffhanger...
How is that going to be sorted out?
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