Customer Inquiries

My good friend the artist Arthur Isherwood recently penned three customer inquiries and it seems unlikely that he will receive a reply due to the eccentric turn of phrase which he utilises.  He has asked me to replicate them here for public consumption, which I, being a great friend, have agreed to.

The first was sent to the ice cream company Antonio Federici, who recently had an advert picturing a pregnant nun banned.

Hello,

I recently became aware of your company following the widely reported banning of your "Immaculately Conceived" poster ad.  I personally found this ad gently amusing, as did my wife, who is a Roman Catholic, and therefore supposedly the sort of person who would have been insulted in the eyes of the ASA.  Needless to say, I feel as though the banning was misjudged and heavy-handed.

I was heartened to discover, reading further into a BBC article, that your firm was planning on "securing a series of billboards close to and along the planned route of the Pope's cavalcade around Westminster Cathedral", with posters in the same vein.  Since this visit has now played out, and no report has surfaced, I was wondering whether it had been possible to see out this plan, or whether you had, once again, been hamstringed by the misguided actions of the ASA?

Your desire to "comment on and question, using satire and gentle humour, the relevance and hypocrisy of religion and the attitudes of the church to social issues" certainly chimes with me personally, although I do hope that you retain your desire to make ice cream that is delicious and cold.

While satirising the idea of imaculate conception does question some of the inherent hypocrisies in religion, I wonder if it would be more effective to focus on certain hypocrisies that are current hot potatoes.  For example, the current Pope is making waves in the press for having covered up, and failing to protect the victims of, a large-scale Catholic priest paedophile ring, and I feel it would be an incredibly bold way for you to comment on and question the hypocrisy of religion and the attitudes of the church to social issues if you addressed this colossal hypocrisy.  It would be fairly simple, I would suggest, to create an ad for this in the style of your current "Ice cream is our religion" campaign, perhaps showing a kneeling child with its eyes closed being covered in vanilla ice cream by a gurning priest.  The tag line could be 'it is more blessed to give than to receive' or perhaps 'see no evil, evil semen'.  Perhaps I have overstepped a mark there, the ideas are your jurisdiction, after all.

Looking forward to hearing from you

Arthur Isherwood

The second was to Imperial Leather.

Hello,

I am a student, and as such don't often have the opportunity to treat myself to a washing experience, not one that is enhanced by the presence of brand name soap anyway, and a number of blue moons have passed since last I was fortunate enough to cleanse myself with an Imperial Leather product.

My Imperial Leather lull was put to an end last night however, when I returned home to visit my parents.  I took advantage of all the home comforts I have not been privy to in my Sawesque dormroom.  Food and drink were first on my list, but, as you may have guessed, I then had a shower.

This shower was punctuated by the blessed presence of Imperial Leather shower gel, the Softly Softly range to be more precise.  In my haste to wash I overlooked its milky hue and applied it generously on my body.  It was only on later inspection that I discovered it was made of Jojoba Milk and Vitamin E.  Now I am not overly familiar with the Jojoba, and since I was suspicious that it was derived from the word 'juju', I investigated.  I have since discovered that this is a "girly" ingredient.  I further investigated your range of shower gels and discovered that one is 'For Men', further raising my stress levels.

What had I just done to myself by smothering my masculine body with a shower gel which is not for men?

I am panicked, and writing to you to enquire whether there will be adverse effects on my male body due to the use of this non-for men shower gel.  I am quite concerned as I have a beard, which is possibly the most manly thing, aside from a penis, possibly.  If there will be adverse effects, are there any steps I can take to counteract the feminisation of my body?  I have been self-medicating with steak and ale pies, but I just feel bloated, which is a woman's emotion.

Yours hopefully

Arthur Isherwood

And the third was about Lilt (but sent to their parent company Coca-Cola).

Hello,

Whilst writing this is I am currently slaking my thirst with a bottle of Lilt Zero.  It is fulfilling it's role quite well, which is amazing considering I am quite concerned, and it is 'best consumed chilled out'.  I can only imagine how wonderful it would taste were I only able to calm down.

The source of my consternation on this occasion is the declaration of the bottle of Lilt that is has a 'totally tropical taste'.  I assume this claim stems from the fact that it contains pineapple and grapefruit, which are considered tropical fruit.  I was wondering whether the pineapple and grapefruit used to make Lilt are sourced from the tropics, or whether the fruits themselves simply suggest a tropical taste, rather than them being an actual tropical taste.  Closer inspection of the ingredients listed, however, shows that pineapple and grapefruit juice from concentrates make up only 5% of the beverage.

I was wondering further, therefore, whether the carbonated water, citric acid, acidity regulator, sweeteners, flavourings, preservatives, antioxidants, stabilisers, colour and the source of phenylanine listed on the bottle were also sourced from tropical climes, or whether they contribute to a tropical-like taste.

I inquire because the drink claims to have a 'totally' tropical taste, whereas my research has led me to surmise that in reality is has a 'somewhat' tropical taste.

Yours inquisitively

Arthur Isherwood.

Good old Arthur, being a low-level nuisance.  Maybe one day he will use his tedious nagging for good.