and I feel like taking off, my mistake, it's the Top Ten.

A disappointing lack of movement in the charts this week means that there are only two new entries to have a mock at. Familiar names about as the new track galumphing into Number Nine is

9 – Sweet Dreams - Beyonce

So here is another track from the equality retarding Beyonk. The noise this track makes is a high level bass-synthaggedon. With a whomping bass loop plugging away behind Beyonk’s signature wailings and vocal flailings this is truly an unpleasant musical experience.

Competing with how unutterably annoying the music is, the lyrics give a truly amazing effort to match the level of its annoying fuckery. There is a line in the song that smacks of a more self-aware element than I would usually associate with Beyonk, where she sings: ‘You could be a sweet dream / or a beautiful nightmare’. I don’t think this line is actually referring to the song itself, or if it is it doesn’t quite reach the level of honesty I would hope for in a prancing piece of post-modern pop. If she was being more honest the first line of the chorus would instead be ‘You could be a sweet dream / With several hundred rewrites and the introduction of actual instruments and a tune etc / or you could remain like you are now / a complete and utter nightmare.’ But Beyonk has a history of ignoring my suggestions, so I very much doubt that those lines will make their way into the track. Not even in a remix or something.

Beyonk must actually be some sort of music masochist for, as we have ascertained, her music is a nightmare, and yet she utters the lines: ‘Either way / I don’t want to wake up from you’. This sort of filth should only get played on BDSMfm.

Another strange line, which this time suggests visions of the apocalypse, which is fitting since the song itself provides the sounds, is: ‘Clouds filled with stars cover your skies / And I hope it rains’. Now in my understanding of this line, the skies in the scene described by Beyonk are hugely overcast, and not only that, the clouds themselves are filled with stars. Now I am going out on a limb and presuming that the meaning of stars that Beyonk is alluding to here is the ones in space, the burning balls of fire in the great dark beyond, rather than the more mundane meaning of ‘celebrities’. Although weirdly if the clouds were full of celebrities and it did rain, maybe we would be spared a lot of vacuous inanity. The other, perhaps more likely option, is that Beyonk is wishing to see huge boulders of flame raining down on the variety of different locales in the world, visiting fiery molten death from above on everyone. Sweet dreams indeed.

Carrying on the theme of quite violent imagery she uses the line: ‘Tattoo your name across my heart’. Now I had to play with, I mean examine, a heart once in a Biology lesson, and while I don’t believe that it was a human heart I still feel that it is representative. It would be very difficult to tattoo something on to a heart, not only because it is quite tough, and not a flat surface, which is what we usually tattoo things on to. Skin. Also, the heart is usually present inside a person’s chest, and so even if the tattooist was talented enough to actually tattoo an image through the ribs, the lungs and onto the heart, which would take some skill I imagine, probably go to Miami Ink or something, the pictogram inked thereupon would be impossible to see. Because it is inside you. That is presuming that the ink placed on the heart doesn’t get directly into your bloodstream, which I don’t think it would straight away because the heart is not really an important organ in terms of the pumping of blood, that’s what I was taught in school anyway. And if you had ink instead of blood pumping through your veins you wouldn’t be able to live properly anymore. Because you’d be a squid. Or dead.

On second thoughts Beyonk, knock yourself out. And then I will tattoo your heart.

The other new entry this week in at ‘Oh, almost!’ Number Two it’s:

2 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

It’s an effort from the excessively formal Mr Hudson, and the second appearance in the Top Ten, since I began sneering at it, for Kanye West, even though neither song is technically his.

This song is clearly suffering from the synthocalypse that was dreamt up by Beyonk in her sweetest of dreams, as it is filled with synth beds and what sounds like basic Casio pre-set drum loops. To be wholly fair to the track though, it isn’t anywhere near as terror-inducingly “Judgement Day is approaching” in its sound as is Beyonk’s track. It does, however, contain some catastrophic imagery.

The chorus goes: ‘And I feel like taking off / Let me be your supernova’. Overlooking the fact that he has opened a song with the word ‘and’ (lazy and ungrammatical), the line itself doesn’t even make sense. His allusion to ‘taking off’ suggest an aeroplane or a rocket, however the following line ‘let me be your supernova’ doesn’t correspond to this. As a supernova does not ‘take off’, it is an explosion. Wikipedia describes a supernova as:

“a stellar explosion. Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months. During this short interval, a supernova can radiate as much energy as the Sun could emit over its life span”.

I would say that if Mr Hudson were indeed to become a supernova he would be endangering the life of every man, beast, plant and woman on the planet. That is either extremely reckless or completely malicious. Also, in the worst of R.L. Stine, be careful what you wish for...

It would be a pity to lose every living thing on the planet, and in all likelihood the actual planet itself, just to witness the death of the mellow hip-hopper Hudson-san, but if left to continuous consideration could actually be worth it.

Speaking of mellow hip-hoppers I would be glad to see the back of, I haven’t really given enough time to Kanye West’s part of the song. My favourite line of Kanye’s in this track is: ‘He’s not you or me / I wanna break up the scene and see you running back to me’. Now I do not applaud the relationship-sabotage that Mr West seems to be suggesting in this line, but I am particularly drawn to its poetic merits, such as the revolutionary decision to take the word “me” and then to later on to rhyme it with the word “me”. Astounding.

Similarly there is a line which includes the phrase ‘tonnes of fun’ which for some reason just doesn’t sit right with me. Having tonnes of fun is something the Chuckle Brothers should be doing, I expect my hip-hoppers to be moody and pretentious, not cheery and Blue Peter.

Perhaps the line I have the most problem with however is the end of the chorus which goes: ‘Before you make the biggest mistake of your life / give me a chaance to get it right’. Now you may have noticed that I have placed two a’s in the word chance. This is because I wanted to opt out of using the phonetic alphabet while still giving an indication of how that word is said. Now I don’t really have a problem with hip-hoppers using received pronunciation when they do a dropping of their lines yeah, and for all I know, and am unwilling to research, Mr Hudson may indeed be a member of the royal family. However, there is no call for Kanye ‘Gay Fish’ West to follow suit. There is no way in the ice rinks of hell that Kanye West says ‘chance’ in the same way as Michael McIntyre. Although if they were to make a show where the two were forced to live each other’s lives for a bit, I would probably watch that.

In summary:

10 – Poppiholla – Chicane

9 – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce

8 – Paparazzi – Lady Gaga

7 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) - Pitbull

6 – When Love Takes Over – David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

5 – Bulletproof – La Roux

4 - Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada

3 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

2 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

1 – Beat Again - JLS

And there was Top Ten!

And here begins what blogologists are already calling "Another one of those blog thingys you may have heard about". It is a simple premise I'm sure you will all warm to:

Boy meets Radio 1 Top Ten Chart (every Sunday) and talks snidely about the songs therein. You'll have to pretend that the riff from Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love is playing over my analyses, as actually having the track play on this page would be hugely annoying.

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH! (rinse repeat).

Starting off this enterprise in a possibly distasteful way it's an unlikely replacement for Gordon Brown at Number 10 it's:

10 - Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

Renewed popularity and chart appearances will likely offer little consolation for everyone's favourite alleged paedophile Micky Jack as he enjoys his first week in whatever afterlife he currents moonwalks in. The appearance of prophetic hit Billie Jean in the Top 10 has particular poignancy amid speculation that Jackson was in no way biologically involved in the creation of his children. "That kid is not my son" indeed. Rumours abound that it is not Billie Jean that will get custody of the children, but singer/actress Diana Ross.

9 - Mama Do - Pixie Lott

The Number Nine slot is filled this week by generic airbrushed 'diva' and punchline to the joke "What do you call a woman who is often nose-mining for boogers" Pixie Lott. Ms Lott falls comfortably into the Gwen Stefani school of poppelganger. This track contains a subtitle in parenthesis, Uh oh, uh oh, which is a surprisingly apt summation of my reaction to the noise contained therein. The Grade 1 plinking of piano keys is beautifully complimented by the deranged percussion of clapping. The vacuous pop instrument of choice, as always, is the hand. Hands feature heavily in the video aswell, in one sequence, which will surely be remembered as the iconic scene of the video, a line of fashionably dressed poseur men play pattacake with a line of skantily clad poseur women. In fairness the pattacake playing is quite energetic, but it is still, nevertheless, pattacake. Of course when I say this is the scene that will be remembered what I mean is the entire song will be forgotten and Pixie Lott will likely not even be worth putting to work in a Buzzcocks line-up (the show or the band).

8 - Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft Kanye West and Ne-yo

Hip-hop non-entity Keri Hilson is joined by both rampant egomaniac and all-round despicable human being Kanye West and the man with a name like Japanese phrase signalling agreement Ne-yo, in order to give this track a smidgen of credibility. What is most striking about this song is the unbelievably painful repetitive synth which seems to have been composed by a maniac and played by an elephant in boxing gloves. However on closer inspection it is the lyrics that are the most notable in this song. Lines like: "I used to be commander-in-chief of my pimp ship flying high" that truly single this track out as an outstanding piece of art. I am in awe of the particularly topical references and also the breathtaking metre in the lines: "This is bad, real bad Michael Jackson / Now I'm mad, real mad Joe Jackson". This song truly is bad, real bad Michael Jackson, as further demonstrated by the line: "You should leave your boyfriend now, I'ma ask 'em". What a wonderfully 2D world Kan-yo lives in (I have created this amalgamation because I have no idea which is which). Another line features Kan-yo declaring that he was the 'class clown' which is ironic given his famous sense of humour, or lack of one, but it is what we have all come to expect from him, he is after all, a gay fish.

7 - Release Me - Agnes

Complaining gently into seventh place is another poppelganger, this time with the name of a middle aged Scottish grump, no it isn't Susan Boyle, it's Agnes. This song has opted for violins rather than piano, which makes me hate it less just for offering the tiniest fraction of variety in this frankly stale countdown. However the video soon makes me fall in hate with this song, with juddery dancing and camera technique adding to the vague creeping nausea already instigated by the music. There is also far too much casual nuzzling in the video for my liking. If someone is nuzzling you I believe it is polite to acknowledge it in some way, at the very least, don't just whinge out your tedious track. From what I can tell the message of this track is fairly controversial, with a strong pro-euthanasia standpoint being taken throughout: "no, i'm not in control, so let me go, release me". Just point me to the plug Agnes, and I will pull it with pleasure.

6 - Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

I'm unsure whether I was watching the real video for this or a Vista advert with the track spliced over it, whichever, I wasn't pleased. More than the hateful vocal and musical stylings I was angered by the surreal dating methods used by this outfit. "Two thousand and late" is not a year. 200Late. It doesn't work, FURY. There are also references to "cybertron" in the song, which is worrying as this track could very well be, barely, coded messages to the Decepticons. If our world is brought to the brink of destruction by robots in disguise I will be furious, and will pin the blame squarely on the name-stealing piss-pants Fergie. With the inability to use accepted dating systems and references to Transformers this track certainly seems to have been written, and composed, by a child, with lines such as: "This beat go boom boom" which are not only idiotic,they are also an innacurate representation of the beat. The Black Eyed Peas must not be big fans of Flight of the Conchords, as a similar track already exists which sends up the idiotic repetitive use of "boom".

5 - Paparazzi - Lady Gaga

The incredibly Swedish opening to this video does not bely the strangeness to come. The presence of the word 'cunt' in the subtitles is quite a good hint though. I'm uncertain as to who the Lady Gagger's target audience is, she seems to be a poppelganger cut from a Toxic-era Britney Spears mold. In line with this the video contains a vaguely distasteful combination of bdsm and morbidity. I don't really know where I stand on this video as it contains far too much footage of the Lady Gagger in a wheelchair with a neck brace on, and subsequently juddering around on crutches, for me to be wholly comfortable watching. With this sort of imagery the video is attempting to make a point about paparazzi & celebrity but in so doing is possibly trivialising disability. In retrospect it was easier when she was in her "I'm stealing David Bowie's face lightning is that okay?" phase. It isn't okay, you Bowie thief.

4 - When Love Takes Over - David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

This track opens to a piano riff cut and paste from the track Clocks by little-known band Coldplay. Let's be fair, if you are going to commit piano-based daylight robbery, you may aswell steal it from a bloody famous song, eh? (as the Canadians say). In the video you are treated to many lovely holiday-snap style shots of Kelly Rowland looking lovely with her massive face and her holey dress, and also to footage of, who I presume to be, David Guetta pushing his dance-creating equipment around a city on a trolley looking for all the world like a techno tramp. This song is really much of a nothingness, which will ensure that it is this summer's anthem that pilled-up sweaty Ibizagoers will spread their STI's to. Lovely.

3 - Bulletproof - La Roux

Slamming synthilly into the Number Three is the androgenously fronted synthy-synth duo La Roux. The track is the distant aural cousin of fond childhood memory of millions: the theme from Tetris. This is augmented by having a very abstract video, which has a particularly 'boxy' feel to it. There is a very definite edge to the check-out-attendant-having-a-nervous-breakdown chic that is sported by La Roux. Interestingly I discovered that her mother holds the record for longest ever serving actor in stalwart British police drama The Bill, meaning that she also holds the record for longest time spent playing a police character (according to the trustworthy and accurate Wikipedia). I suppose you would believe yourself to be bulletproof as well if your mother was a police (acting) demigod. There's a joke about Acting-Sergeant etc in there somewhere. I have also attempted not to pass comment on her hair, which I'm sure is very cool, though occasionally she does resemble Egon from The Real Ghostbusters.

2 - Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

He moonwalks in the footsteps of Tupac, another place in the Top Ten for the dead man (not the Undertaker). Strangely there is footage of La Roux in an old video of Man in the Mirror hosted by YouTube.

Jacko is unable to avoid irony, and the opening lines "I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life" are no exception to this rule, providing the need for me to explain that he is unable to make a change, as he is dead. On the comment section of this very same video I found this moving message:

mrbeanslefthandman (19 minutes ago)

I want to make a change for once in my life. I want to stop eating pizzas and change my diet to high protein and low carb diet. The man in the mirror is looking pretty fat. Micheal there is no doubt you were the best in the world you have motivated me to get rid of the tyres round my belly.

I feel that there can be no more fitting a tribute than this completely unrelated tangential one to the, if we're lucky, one and only Michael Jackson.

1 - Evacuate the Dancefloor - Cascada

And at Number One; the teeth-grinding noise of Cascada. Cue three and a half minutes of footage of a posing tool. Strangely the woman from Cascada looks remarkably like an R.E. teacher I once had (teaching me), except I quickly warmed to the R.E. teacher as she did not spend most of her time strutting and booming middle of the road dance noise like a public service announcement from the seventh circle of synth hell. Instead, she taught R.E. I preferred this. Unquestionably, the woman from Cascada is attractive, and that is enough to get to Number One, so there. She now enjoys her place in an elite group of artists that include Bob the Builder and Crazy Frog, truly the highest echelon of music recognition. Huzzah.