Top Ten, Stop Ten: the Second

Well that is a relief.

Almost as though acknowledging that I have had a week where summoning fever-pitch fury has proven difficult, the Top Ten has remained mercifully static. As I have decided is customary, instead of the usual lambasting of popular singles, I will instead provide a gushing recommendation of music I enjoy. A sane person may question why I choose to continue with the self-inflicted slog of weekly reviewing music that I clearly view with distaste, and to them I say: touché. Oh! anonymous inquisitors, how you cut to the quick of things.

Essentially, and hopefully honestly, it is far easier, and safer, to criticise than it is to commend. However, that is far more of an excuse than a reason, and if pushed to give my original, and rather high and mighty reason for beginning this exercise, it was in order to highlight the potentially dangerous use of thoughtless lyrics, as my area of expertise is linguistics, rather than music. I began this endeavour in the hope of unearthing huge reservoirs of ignorance and ill-will coursing below the surface of songs, but as weeks have gone by I have discovered that as a rule the songs are lazy and boring, rather than secretly '–ist' in any way.

While mediocrity and a paucity of ambition are nowhere near as bad as, say, overt sexism or racism, it is still not commendable in what is ostensibly art. So if sometimes the ire I heap upon songs seems disproportionate, remember that I do it for the future, in order to safeguard art, dya get me? Yeah. I am like the music Batman or something. Even with the silly lines after the ‘safeguard art’ sentence I am still not sure whether people will understand that it was a ludicrous joke, so now I have added this blatant line here outlining that I am, perhaps, not taking the end of this paragraph wholly seriously. The first line of the paragraph is valid though, I’m proud of it at least. Why don’t you put it on a poster or something?

In the previous (and only other) of these positive music posts I mentioned that I would give a gushing to Dog Fashion Disco / Polkadot Cadaver, and I am a blogger of my word(s).

Dog Fashion Disco and Polkadot Cadaver will always go together, in my mind at least, as they have much the same line up. The members of DFD chose to change the name of the group after one member decided to give up music, feeling the need, perhaps, to signify this alteration. Despite this, Polkadot is very definitely a stylistic continuation of DFD, so fans of one will almost certainly be fans of the other.

Dog Fashion Disco’s magnum opus, and my first and favourite album of theirs, is certainly Adultery, a dark and nuanced concept album tracking the descent of a man into madness. The album plays like a suspenseful and stylish film noir, which is remarkably conveyed using only the music, especially considering that the iconic visuals are perhaps the most striking aspect of the genre. Every track is a triumph in and of itself, with new ground being broken in each one, showcasing an uncanny mastery of an eclectic assortment of musical styles. The album weaves through driven heavy metal, haunting chanted choral singing, bursts of spoken word, a Johnny Cash pastiche and a manic burst of jarring manic elevator music. What is particularly impressive is that these diverse and very different tracks fit comfortably into the narrative, where in another album it could feel overly jittery. In fact, the stark contrast of the tracks only accentuate the edge of frantic madness that the album is laden with, which often provides a frightening immersion into their characterisation of the madman. Adultery should rank highly amongst the most gripping and masterful albums that never have achieved the acknowledgement they deserve.

Polkadot Cadaver’s debut offering, Purgatory Dance Party, was something of a departure from the full on, immersive, epic nature of Adultery, focusing more on dark comedy, and subverting pop and disco sensibilities in particular. At its best the humour of Polkadot can reach a delightfully sinister darkness, such as in the bleak track Chloroform Girl. The menacing lines “Chloroform girl, how have you been? / Don’t let me catch you sleeping again” are given the tint of eerie madness due to being sung incredibly tenderly over a loosely strummed guitar and xylophone melody that would, with other lyrics, be a song describable only as “lovely”. The lyrics are also incredibly naïve, “You’re only alive because I like you”, with the singer characterised as simple and deranged, and with the addition of a slow and ominously deep bass-line the song is turned into a chilling masterpiece.

Polkadot utilise synth significantly more than the more metal-oriented DFD, but often this does not detract from the pace and force of tracks, with powerful, driven tracks like Pure Bedlam for Halfbreeds and Bring Me the Head of Andy Warhol packing a vigorous punch. Despite the seemingly forceful edge of the music, the sometimes controversial topics the tracks touch on are always dealt with deftly, with tracks on religion, politics and art all treated adroitly.

The music produced by the two outfits is certainly dark and grim, but always coloured by fantastic writing, and a willingness to deal with topics that less courageous artists wouldn’t attempt in their wildest dreams. With a new Polkadot Cadaver album, tentatively titled R. Kelly’s Big Black Spaceship, on the horizon, it certainly would be a good time to enter the wonderfully dark world of Polkadot Cadaver. I would encourage you to ‘enter the fold’, but that both sounds needlessly dubious, and also makes me seem like a humungous horror-poseur.

This is perhaps slightly redundant as I imagine if you managed to reach the end of this description of dark-horror-comedy-synth-metal music then I imagine you aren’t here for pop countdowns, but there we are, a tradition is a tradition. Here is the Top Ten:

10 – Remedy – Little Boots

9 – Get Shaky – Ian Carey Project

8 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)

7 – Beat Again – JLS

6 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

5 – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce

4 – Behind Closed Doors – Peter Andre

3 – Ready for the Weekend – Calvin Harris

2 – Never Leave You – Tinchy Stryder ft Amelle

1 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Top Ten, or perhaps, Stop Ten.

The only changes in the Top Ten this week are small jostlings by last week’s 10, so rather than any ‘interesting’ new entries we have a new number one, but it has been in the 10 anyway and I have already said what I have to say about it. The track is inane, though that should go without saying, since it is in the list at all.

So, rather than another entry full of party-pooping posing as criticism, I will talk about some music that I like, hopefully making some valid, or at least interesting, points along the way.

Better than listening to tracks on your music playing device of choice, it is, surely, always preferable to experience them live. I took this to be a firm and understood truth, however, having recently attended a live event, it turns out that a very many people disagree. This became apparent due to the disheartening lack of people in the audience. Standing at the front of a handful of people watching a 4-man punk outfit play to a completely still room ranks among the music-tragedies of recent years. Yes, more tragic than the death of that Jackson bloke, whoever he was.

Perhaps the popularity of pop music means that people are less likely to come to live events, for, as everyone knows, pop music cannot be performed live, as in that context, pop music sounds even more like the gutter-drivel it is, since it is more difficult to cover the inherent arse-puddle of noise with futuristic / 80s whoops and whirls. Or maybe people just don’t think music is real music unless Simon Cowell is there to bestow the mantle of goodness upon it. If you are one of the people who believe in the ‘brilliance’ of the Got Talent / Factor / Idol format then you are a bell end, and I suggest you retreat into your proverbial foreskin before you are crunched on by the unforgiving teeth of the revengeful hooker of actual music.

I understand that it is perhaps counter-productive to describe, what I think is, good music as a hooker, especially since I am now going to talk about bands I think are good, who may believe I am calling them hookers. I am not. They are awesome. The bands, not hookers. Do hookers read blogs? Answers on a postcard please.

Luckily for live music, the night I was describing previously was merely slow getting going, and having to compete with two festivals in the city (Cardiff) it is perhaps amazing that there was such a crowd at all. The second band to take the stage was Cardiff-based ska wonders Dirty Revolution. The crowd began swelling even as the stage was being prepped, suggesting that they are already in possession of a dedicated fan-base. Their set was filled with fun skank-along tunes that were hugely enjoyable as well catchy. After all, there’s no good having a tune in your head if it is going to drive you insane. You know who you are, Beyonk.

On top of the catchy tunes the lyrics and vocal melodies were clever and well crafted, which is, unfortunately, a novelty in modern music, or maybe I am just a pretentious snob. I am, but I am also correct. Always.

The most miraculous effect of Dirty Revolution was their ability to get the room dancing, especially bearing in mind that the room was, at best, sparsely populated, this was truly a colossal achievement. Perhaps it was their novel use of what I must assume is some kind of melodica-esque device which is used occasionally in the stead of a more traditional horn-section. Oddly, for a device that looks for all the world like a toy, the sound carries clearly and adds immensely to the proceedings. Basically, if you enjoy bands on the reggae / ska / punk spectrum, give them a listen on their page, or, better still, go and see them live.

We’ll move on now to a band that I have not seen live, but that has managed, over time, to enmesh itself more completely in my psyche. This particular band is the extremely difficult to find Bôa, who are not helped by the abundance of other acts named Boa. These include; BoA, a Korean singer; BOA, a Croatian group; Boa, a Russian group; and Phillip Boa, a German musician. I am not talking about these. I am talking about the criminally undervalued British indie-rock group Bôa. Annoyingly, I am unable to discover a website or a MySpace site of theirs, so I am going to have to resort to other methods. Bôa are best known for their song Duvet, due to it being used as the opening theme for the anime Serial Experiments Lain, which is worthy of the song. However, this song, and the acoustic version, is where the widespread appreciation of Bôa stops, which, in my sensationalist mind, is an unforgivable shame. I spent a long time scouring around for their two better-publicised / most recent albums Get There and Twilight, one of which (Get There) has now been put up on iTunes. In order to find it you’ll have to type in ‘boa uk’ rather than using the bands actual spelling, which doesn’t help with the confusion.

Bôa are the gods of bluesy indie rock in my world, and it is a pity they aren’t more widely appreciated. Wikipedia, for what it is worth, puts their 'years active' as 1993 – present, which suggests that I still may get to see them live at some point, but my hope at the moment must be that they are on hiatus, rather than split up. I fear the day where I will have to refer to them as the now-defunct Bôa. Their lead singer, Jasmine Rodgers, seems to be focusing on a solo-acoustic project, which is also well worth a listen.

I have mentioned The Cribs before, who, by now, almost go without mentioning, and have a new album pending, which I am awaiting eagerly. I was also planning on talking about Polkadot Cadaver, and their previous incarnation Dog Fashion Disco, but I will leave this entry to the two British bands, rather than inundate a single blog with too many positive vibes.

Find below, the ‘Top Ten’ as it stands this week. Needless to say, not a single track can hold a candle to either Dirty Revolution or Bôa*.

10 – Poppiholla – Chicane

9 – When Love Takes Over – David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

8 – Paparazzi – Lady Gaga

7 – Bulletproof – La Roux

6 – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce

5 – Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada

4 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

3 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

2 – Beat Again – JLS

1 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

*In my opinion. But what other opinion counts? Yours? Not on my page.

Cabeza Diez, or in English, the Top Ten.

The Sundays appear with worrying haste for my taste, but when Sunday comes it brings with it another Top Ten snide-a-thon. There are three new entrants into this week’s Ten, including (oh em gee) a new Number One! Of course the phrase “Number One” ain’t what it used to be. It is, of course, a joke, which is what I will make of it. Then let’s begin.

Cruzzing in at Number Nine is:

9 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

The main message of this song seems to be that someone wants the singer, and luckily for them, perhaps, the singer also wants them, though they, in true pop song tradition, remain unnamed. It is quite difficult for me to follow half of this song, as they have taken a Dora the Explorer approach to song writing, with an educational half-and-half approach to the lyrics, infusing repetitive idiotic English lyrics with what I am driven to assume are repetitive idiotic Spanish lyrics.

The presumably fan-heard lyrics that accompany this song on the tube of you include

“Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey,

look like King Kong, welcome to the crib”

Now I assume that this is insulting, unless the writer has trouble with simile. I don’t know whether or not this ‘Mami’ has a backside which is comparable to the backside of a donkey, or whether her backside is like a donkey, inasmuch as she has a donkey sticking out of her arse. Alternatively, the ‘Mami’ could be the front half of a pantomime horse, which the Latino writer has confused for a donkey, as most likely no one would dress up in a costume of that kind in a Spanish speaking country just in case they are mobbed and thrown off a church.

Unimaginative drums abound accompanied by a minimalist approach to all other instruments involved, with synth pings, guitar bursts and trumpet parps occasionally joining the fray.

The most memorable lines from this song are, in the words of XOXOKISKISXOXO:

“one-two-three-four
Uno-do'-tres-cuatro”

Quite literally music by numbers.

7 – Poppiholla – Chicane

A mellow trance offering in the Top Ten this week, from everyone’s favourite way of pronouncing chicken; Chicane. The music is a mix of a despair-inducing mind-numbing busy default-trance drumbeat, with the piano melody picked out by what seems to be a previously talented pianist who unfortunately lost all but one finger in a terrible accident and as such is forced to pick out as interesting a melody as possible whilst only utilising one key per go. Other noises in this track were created by 1) keeping the beat with an air-freshener and, 2) allowing the wind to blow through a particularly musical crevice (or possibly a crevasse).

The video, then, is a more intriguing offering, with a haggard and worn hoodie-type individual stalking the streets like an emotionless, yet threatening automaton. First he scares a bedraggled woman at an ATM, then disgusts the lady who lives at Number 8, then gets sneered at by two dodgy looking white blokes and pitied by a taxi driver. For me, this is the first part of the story, where the hoodie-character is built up to look like a yob, with this presumptuousness being subverted in the second part.

Or does get subverted? The man leapfrogs a fence, and upon landing breaks into a sprint which incorporates the techniques of both Lynford Christie and a futuristic detached killing machine (or Terminator if you will). He then proceeds, during his sprint, to knock tea out of a bloke’s hands, knock paper out of a woman’s hands, and upturn a waiter’s tray, dousing everyone in the vicinity with chilled beverage. This, rather pedestrian, chaos is initiated in order to perform an unconvincing rugby tackle on a ditsy looking girl who is fully enraptured with her phone, playing snake 2 presumably, and is about to get seriously brained by some falling stonework. Having saved this gormless youth from brick-induced-brain-death she then lies on his chest looking at him backwards like a confused but ultimately disinterested halibut wrenched awkwardly from the watery deeps. The video then fades out.

It is an instrumental piece, though likely no actual instruments were used, and as such there are no accompanying lyrics in order to disentangle this gripping drama. Perhaps the message is: “don’t judge hoodies because they are actually mediocre vigilante superheroes there to save vacuous phone-dwellers from death-by-unstable-masonry”. Maybe there is no message. The amount of stonework that actually fell was unimpressive, considering the apocalyptic SFX we are used to as viewers of film, though likely the phone-girl would disagree.

Trance isn’t really my thing, but everyday heroism is. The film portrays a good deed, though the trail of soaking by-standers may disagree.

And new in at Numero Uno (as Pitbull would say):

1 – Beat Again – JLS

A, perhaps, unlikely entrant in the Number One slot for X-Factor leftovers JLS. It is possible they are enjoying success on the back of the death of Michael Jackson, as a four-man black boyband would of course draw comparisons to the Jackson 5.

What struck me first whilst watching their video, apart from a feeling of my own impending seppuku, was that one of them was wearing a dickie-bow. Clever put-downs and wordy insults aside; what a twat. The video is an example of clever filming, as they have heavily utilised dynamic camerawork to disguise the fact they look like diarrhetic ducks with ants in their pants, prancing around in order to clench tighter. This is made all the more disgusting by their insistence on maintaining a facade of vomit-inducing squinting and pouting faux-sincerity. Ych a fucking fi.

The music then is computer-generated nothingness bleeping and blooping around the same old vague lyrics. I believe I have, however, deciphered the meaning of their song. It is the touching tale of the love and loss of their liver. Stay with me.

Lines such as:

“Damn,

the doctor’s just finished telling me,

there’s no time,

losing you could be the end of me”.

And:

“they’re telling me that my heart won’t beat again”

suggest that the writer of the song has been involved in a botched operation, where his liver was accidentally removed. As everyone knows, the liver is an essential piece of kit when it comes to being alive, and having no liver would put extraneous stress on your heart, resulting in death. Now go back and read those lines and tell me I am wrong. Yeah~.

The confusing line “If I die / would you come to my funeral?” is likely due to the writer suffering greatly due to the slow collapse of his bodily organs, and this has led to him/her considering whether, in the event of the anthropomorphic transformation of his liver, whether it would then attend the ceremony commemorating his/her death. Yeah I know, what a weird song.

If you bought that single, Simon Cowell is laughing up his sleeves, or more likely, down his trousers at you.

Here is the full list for posterity, which means to insert up your posterior.

10 – Diamond Rings – Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

9 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) – Pitbull

8 – Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson

7 – Poppiholla – Chicane

6 – When Love Takes Over – David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

5 – Paparazzi – Lady Gaga

4 – Bulletproof – La Roux

3 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

2 – Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada

1 – Beat Again – JLS

And there was Top Ten!

And here begins what blogologists are already calling "Another one of those blog thingys you may have heard about". It is a simple premise I'm sure you will all warm to:

Boy meets Radio 1 Top Ten Chart (every Sunday) and talks snidely about the songs therein. You'll have to pretend that the riff from Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love is playing over my analyses, as actually having the track play on this page would be hugely annoying.

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh duh-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH! (rinse repeat).

Starting off this enterprise in a possibly distasteful way it's an unlikely replacement for Gordon Brown at Number 10 it's:

10 - Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

Renewed popularity and chart appearances will likely offer little consolation for everyone's favourite alleged paedophile Micky Jack as he enjoys his first week in whatever afterlife he currents moonwalks in. The appearance of prophetic hit Billie Jean in the Top 10 has particular poignancy amid speculation that Jackson was in no way biologically involved in the creation of his children. "That kid is not my son" indeed. Rumours abound that it is not Billie Jean that will get custody of the children, but singer/actress Diana Ross.

9 - Mama Do - Pixie Lott

The Number Nine slot is filled this week by generic airbrushed 'diva' and punchline to the joke "What do you call a woman who is often nose-mining for boogers" Pixie Lott. Ms Lott falls comfortably into the Gwen Stefani school of poppelganger. This track contains a subtitle in parenthesis, Uh oh, uh oh, which is a surprisingly apt summation of my reaction to the noise contained therein. The Grade 1 plinking of piano keys is beautifully complimented by the deranged percussion of clapping. The vacuous pop instrument of choice, as always, is the hand. Hands feature heavily in the video aswell, in one sequence, which will surely be remembered as the iconic scene of the video, a line of fashionably dressed poseur men play pattacake with a line of skantily clad poseur women. In fairness the pattacake playing is quite energetic, but it is still, nevertheless, pattacake. Of course when I say this is the scene that will be remembered what I mean is the entire song will be forgotten and Pixie Lott will likely not even be worth putting to work in a Buzzcocks line-up (the show or the band).

8 - Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft Kanye West and Ne-yo

Hip-hop non-entity Keri Hilson is joined by both rampant egomaniac and all-round despicable human being Kanye West and the man with a name like Japanese phrase signalling agreement Ne-yo, in order to give this track a smidgen of credibility. What is most striking about this song is the unbelievably painful repetitive synth which seems to have been composed by a maniac and played by an elephant in boxing gloves. However on closer inspection it is the lyrics that are the most notable in this song. Lines like: "I used to be commander-in-chief of my pimp ship flying high" that truly single this track out as an outstanding piece of art. I am in awe of the particularly topical references and also the breathtaking metre in the lines: "This is bad, real bad Michael Jackson / Now I'm mad, real mad Joe Jackson". This song truly is bad, real bad Michael Jackson, as further demonstrated by the line: "You should leave your boyfriend now, I'ma ask 'em". What a wonderfully 2D world Kan-yo lives in (I have created this amalgamation because I have no idea which is which). Another line features Kan-yo declaring that he was the 'class clown' which is ironic given his famous sense of humour, or lack of one, but it is what we have all come to expect from him, he is after all, a gay fish.

7 - Release Me - Agnes

Complaining gently into seventh place is another poppelganger, this time with the name of a middle aged Scottish grump, no it isn't Susan Boyle, it's Agnes. This song has opted for violins rather than piano, which makes me hate it less just for offering the tiniest fraction of variety in this frankly stale countdown. However the video soon makes me fall in hate with this song, with juddery dancing and camera technique adding to the vague creeping nausea already instigated by the music. There is also far too much casual nuzzling in the video for my liking. If someone is nuzzling you I believe it is polite to acknowledge it in some way, at the very least, don't just whinge out your tedious track. From what I can tell the message of this track is fairly controversial, with a strong pro-euthanasia standpoint being taken throughout: "no, i'm not in control, so let me go, release me". Just point me to the plug Agnes, and I will pull it with pleasure.

6 - Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

I'm unsure whether I was watching the real video for this or a Vista advert with the track spliced over it, whichever, I wasn't pleased. More than the hateful vocal and musical stylings I was angered by the surreal dating methods used by this outfit. "Two thousand and late" is not a year. 200Late. It doesn't work, FURY. There are also references to "cybertron" in the song, which is worrying as this track could very well be, barely, coded messages to the Decepticons. If our world is brought to the brink of destruction by robots in disguise I will be furious, and will pin the blame squarely on the name-stealing piss-pants Fergie. With the inability to use accepted dating systems and references to Transformers this track certainly seems to have been written, and composed, by a child, with lines such as: "This beat go boom boom" which are not only idiotic,they are also an innacurate representation of the beat. The Black Eyed Peas must not be big fans of Flight of the Conchords, as a similar track already exists which sends up the idiotic repetitive use of "boom".

5 - Paparazzi - Lady Gaga

The incredibly Swedish opening to this video does not bely the strangeness to come. The presence of the word 'cunt' in the subtitles is quite a good hint though. I'm uncertain as to who the Lady Gagger's target audience is, she seems to be a poppelganger cut from a Toxic-era Britney Spears mold. In line with this the video contains a vaguely distasteful combination of bdsm and morbidity. I don't really know where I stand on this video as it contains far too much footage of the Lady Gagger in a wheelchair with a neck brace on, and subsequently juddering around on crutches, for me to be wholly comfortable watching. With this sort of imagery the video is attempting to make a point about paparazzi & celebrity but in so doing is possibly trivialising disability. In retrospect it was easier when she was in her "I'm stealing David Bowie's face lightning is that okay?" phase. It isn't okay, you Bowie thief.

4 - When Love Takes Over - David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

This track opens to a piano riff cut and paste from the track Clocks by little-known band Coldplay. Let's be fair, if you are going to commit piano-based daylight robbery, you may aswell steal it from a bloody famous song, eh? (as the Canadians say). In the video you are treated to many lovely holiday-snap style shots of Kelly Rowland looking lovely with her massive face and her holey dress, and also to footage of, who I presume to be, David Guetta pushing his dance-creating equipment around a city on a trolley looking for all the world like a techno tramp. This song is really much of a nothingness, which will ensure that it is this summer's anthem that pilled-up sweaty Ibizagoers will spread their STI's to. Lovely.

3 - Bulletproof - La Roux

Slamming synthilly into the Number Three is the androgenously fronted synthy-synth duo La Roux. The track is the distant aural cousin of fond childhood memory of millions: the theme from Tetris. This is augmented by having a very abstract video, which has a particularly 'boxy' feel to it. There is a very definite edge to the check-out-attendant-having-a-nervous-breakdown chic that is sported by La Roux. Interestingly I discovered that her mother holds the record for longest ever serving actor in stalwart British police drama The Bill, meaning that she also holds the record for longest time spent playing a police character (according to the trustworthy and accurate Wikipedia). I suppose you would believe yourself to be bulletproof as well if your mother was a police (acting) demigod. There's a joke about Acting-Sergeant etc in there somewhere. I have also attempted not to pass comment on her hair, which I'm sure is very cool, though occasionally she does resemble Egon from The Real Ghostbusters.

2 - Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

He moonwalks in the footsteps of Tupac, another place in the Top Ten for the dead man (not the Undertaker). Strangely there is footage of La Roux in an old video of Man in the Mirror hosted by YouTube.

Jacko is unable to avoid irony, and the opening lines "I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life" are no exception to this rule, providing the need for me to explain that he is unable to make a change, as he is dead. On the comment section of this very same video I found this moving message:

mrbeanslefthandman (19 minutes ago)

I want to make a change for once in my life. I want to stop eating pizzas and change my diet to high protein and low carb diet. The man in the mirror is looking pretty fat. Micheal there is no doubt you were the best in the world you have motivated me to get rid of the tyres round my belly.

I feel that there can be no more fitting a tribute than this completely unrelated tangential one to the, if we're lucky, one and only Michael Jackson.

1 - Evacuate the Dancefloor - Cascada

And at Number One; the teeth-grinding noise of Cascada. Cue three and a half minutes of footage of a posing tool. Strangely the woman from Cascada looks remarkably like an R.E. teacher I once had (teaching me), except I quickly warmed to the R.E. teacher as she did not spend most of her time strutting and booming middle of the road dance noise like a public service announcement from the seventh circle of synth hell. Instead, she taught R.E. I preferred this. Unquestionably, the woman from Cascada is attractive, and that is enough to get to Number One, so there. She now enjoys her place in an elite group of artists that include Bob the Builder and Crazy Frog, truly the highest echelon of music recognition. Huzzah.