and I feel like taking off, my mistake, it's the Top Ten.

A disappointing lack of movement in the charts this week means that there are only two new entries to have a mock at. Familiar names about as the new track galumphing into Number Nine is

9 – Sweet Dreams - Beyonce

So here is another track from the equality retarding Beyonk. The noise this track makes is a high level bass-synthaggedon. With a whomping bass loop plugging away behind Beyonk’s signature wailings and vocal flailings this is truly an unpleasant musical experience.

Competing with how unutterably annoying the music is, the lyrics give a truly amazing effort to match the level of its annoying fuckery. There is a line in the song that smacks of a more self-aware element than I would usually associate with Beyonk, where she sings: ‘You could be a sweet dream / or a beautiful nightmare’. I don’t think this line is actually referring to the song itself, or if it is it doesn’t quite reach the level of honesty I would hope for in a prancing piece of post-modern pop. If she was being more honest the first line of the chorus would instead be ‘You could be a sweet dream / With several hundred rewrites and the introduction of actual instruments and a tune etc / or you could remain like you are now / a complete and utter nightmare.’ But Beyonk has a history of ignoring my suggestions, so I very much doubt that those lines will make their way into the track. Not even in a remix or something.

Beyonk must actually be some sort of music masochist for, as we have ascertained, her music is a nightmare, and yet she utters the lines: ‘Either way / I don’t want to wake up from you’. This sort of filth should only get played on BDSMfm.

Another strange line, which this time suggests visions of the apocalypse, which is fitting since the song itself provides the sounds, is: ‘Clouds filled with stars cover your skies / And I hope it rains’. Now in my understanding of this line, the skies in the scene described by Beyonk are hugely overcast, and not only that, the clouds themselves are filled with stars. Now I am going out on a limb and presuming that the meaning of stars that Beyonk is alluding to here is the ones in space, the burning balls of fire in the great dark beyond, rather than the more mundane meaning of ‘celebrities’. Although weirdly if the clouds were full of celebrities and it did rain, maybe we would be spared a lot of vacuous inanity. The other, perhaps more likely option, is that Beyonk is wishing to see huge boulders of flame raining down on the variety of different locales in the world, visiting fiery molten death from above on everyone. Sweet dreams indeed.

Carrying on the theme of quite violent imagery she uses the line: ‘Tattoo your name across my heart’. Now I had to play with, I mean examine, a heart once in a Biology lesson, and while I don’t believe that it was a human heart I still feel that it is representative. It would be very difficult to tattoo something on to a heart, not only because it is quite tough, and not a flat surface, which is what we usually tattoo things on to. Skin. Also, the heart is usually present inside a person’s chest, and so even if the tattooist was talented enough to actually tattoo an image through the ribs, the lungs and onto the heart, which would take some skill I imagine, probably go to Miami Ink or something, the pictogram inked thereupon would be impossible to see. Because it is inside you. That is presuming that the ink placed on the heart doesn’t get directly into your bloodstream, which I don’t think it would straight away because the heart is not really an important organ in terms of the pumping of blood, that’s what I was taught in school anyway. And if you had ink instead of blood pumping through your veins you wouldn’t be able to live properly anymore. Because you’d be a squid. Or dead.

On second thoughts Beyonk, knock yourself out. And then I will tattoo your heart.

The other new entry this week in at ‘Oh, almost!’ Number Two it’s:

2 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

It’s an effort from the excessively formal Mr Hudson, and the second appearance in the Top Ten, since I began sneering at it, for Kanye West, even though neither song is technically his.

This song is clearly suffering from the synthocalypse that was dreamt up by Beyonk in her sweetest of dreams, as it is filled with synth beds and what sounds like basic Casio pre-set drum loops. To be wholly fair to the track though, it isn’t anywhere near as terror-inducingly “Judgement Day is approaching” in its sound as is Beyonk’s track. It does, however, contain some catastrophic imagery.

The chorus goes: ‘And I feel like taking off / Let me be your supernova’. Overlooking the fact that he has opened a song with the word ‘and’ (lazy and ungrammatical), the line itself doesn’t even make sense. His allusion to ‘taking off’ suggest an aeroplane or a rocket, however the following line ‘let me be your supernova’ doesn’t correspond to this. As a supernova does not ‘take off’, it is an explosion. Wikipedia describes a supernova as:

“a stellar explosion. Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months. During this short interval, a supernova can radiate as much energy as the Sun could emit over its life span”.

I would say that if Mr Hudson were indeed to become a supernova he would be endangering the life of every man, beast, plant and woman on the planet. That is either extremely reckless or completely malicious. Also, in the worst of R.L. Stine, be careful what you wish for...

It would be a pity to lose every living thing on the planet, and in all likelihood the actual planet itself, just to witness the death of the mellow hip-hopper Hudson-san, but if left to continuous consideration could actually be worth it.

Speaking of mellow hip-hoppers I would be glad to see the back of, I haven’t really given enough time to Kanye West’s part of the song. My favourite line of Kanye’s in this track is: ‘He’s not you or me / I wanna break up the scene and see you running back to me’. Now I do not applaud the relationship-sabotage that Mr West seems to be suggesting in this line, but I am particularly drawn to its poetic merits, such as the revolutionary decision to take the word “me” and then to later on to rhyme it with the word “me”. Astounding.

Similarly there is a line which includes the phrase ‘tonnes of fun’ which for some reason just doesn’t sit right with me. Having tonnes of fun is something the Chuckle Brothers should be doing, I expect my hip-hoppers to be moody and pretentious, not cheery and Blue Peter.

Perhaps the line I have the most problem with however is the end of the chorus which goes: ‘Before you make the biggest mistake of your life / give me a chaance to get it right’. Now you may have noticed that I have placed two a’s in the word chance. This is because I wanted to opt out of using the phonetic alphabet while still giving an indication of how that word is said. Now I don’t really have a problem with hip-hoppers using received pronunciation when they do a dropping of their lines yeah, and for all I know, and am unwilling to research, Mr Hudson may indeed be a member of the royal family. However, there is no call for Kanye ‘Gay Fish’ West to follow suit. There is no way in the ice rinks of hell that Kanye West says ‘chance’ in the same way as Michael McIntyre. Although if they were to make a show where the two were forced to live each other’s lives for a bit, I would probably watch that.

In summary:

10 – Poppiholla – Chicane

9 – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce

8 – Paparazzi – Lady Gaga

7 – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) - Pitbull

6 – When Love Takes Over – David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland

5 – Bulletproof – La Roux

4 - Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada

3 – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

2 – Supernova – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

1 – Beat Again - JLS

An Analysis of 'All the Single Ladies' by Beyonce

Once again I am driven by tedious pedantry to provide an analysis of another vacuous pop song for the sake of my own amusement.

 

I have chosen this song due to the aggravating nature of the lyrics, the singing, the music, the video, the dancing, the outfits and the general aura of the piece in its entirety.  It is also in part due to the insistence of the student union to play this video several times an hour, although maybe they only do this at 11-12 on a Monday morning as they have worked out my schedule and my distaste for this particular piece.

 

I will start by talking about the actual music, which seems to be generated by an elephant being repeatedly anally mutilated by a mini-moog, accompanied by a crowd of happy-clapping brain-dead pop fans who are more than happy to complement Beyonk with their continuous clap-based percussion.

Opening the song with the lyrics ‘All the single ladies’ and repeating this a mere seven times, I feel is a slightly week opening, as I feel the song would be stronger if this sentence was repeated significantly more, as it is straight repetition that I look for in a catchy pop song.  The repetition of this line has the sonic frequency of a panicked crow squawking incessantly, which of course fits in well with the poppy elephant-violating nature of the synth.

Of course this line is followed with the highly original and novel appeal to have all these ladies that Beyonce has gathered using her siren-call to ‘put their hands up’.  I doubt this is meant in a law-enforcing or threatening-with-weapon way, though that is certainly the message that the incessant music is portraying, I for one felt as though I was being held hostage aurally.

With the next line, Beyonce takes a bewilderingly fast turn into a narrative, in which she describes that she has recently ended a relationship, though no details are given at this point as to the length of the relationship, or indeed its seriousness.  She also takes time out to inform the listener that she is currently in a club, and ‘doing her own little thing’, though this admission is vague enough that this could be singing, dancing, drinking or even relieving herself in a toilet.  There is no way to know without having access to Beyonce in order to quiz her further on the matter.

Beyonce then continues to extrapolate on the reasoning behind her break-up, revealing that ‘You decided to dip but now you wanna trip’.  As a student of English I am distressed to admit that I have no fucking clue what this means.  Some of the possibilities that I tentatively suggest are that the ‘dipping’ is perhaps a rather crude reference to the sexual act, and in this case ‘trip’ would refer to the man, in my heteronormative assumption it is a man, journeying away from her.  In this instance I decipher the line as meaning ‘you decided to have sex with me but now you want to travel’.  On the other hand ‘dip’ could refer to dancing, but now that he is sick of dancing, the man would prefer to ‘trip’, though this seems increasingly unlikely.  Alternatively, the ‘dip’ could refer to the man’s desire to enjoy a sherbet dip, but now that he has he would rather enjoy some magic mushrooms in order to ‘trip’.  It could even suggest that the man wanted to go for a swim, but now that he is sick of swimming he would rather get dry.  In this example the work ‘trip’ has been misheard as ‘drip’.

The actual definition I am going to work with is one where ‘dip’ does indeed refer to dancing, and the ‘trip’ refers to getting mad, as in “You are tripping fool’.  This I have decided due to the next line being ‘cuz another brother noticed me’.  I am again using my powers of deduction in order to work out that the ‘brother’ in this sentence is not a blood relation.  Beyonce then admits that she is ‘up on him’ and that he is similarly ‘up on’ her.

The focus of this song then changes, for Beyonk has been talking directly to the ex for the duration of the song, and now she addresses the new fellow who is ‘up on’ her.  She assures the man that there is no need to pay any attention to the ex, for she has cried constantly for an entire three years, and as such feels that all emotional ties have been severed with her previous relationship, and that the ex has no reasonable right to be aggravated that she has chosen to be ‘up on’ a new fellow.

She continues then into the chorus, where she indicates that her ex should have provided her with jewellery, accompanied with a desire to eventually be joined in a form of matrimony with her.  The assumption behind this is that because he did not provide this shiny thing plus marriage he has no right to take umbrage at her behaviour, even is she is ‘up on’ ‘another brother’.

Luckily the line of ‘if you liked it you should have put a ring on it’ is only repeated six times at this point, which ensures that the listener doesn’t become jaded with this rather wearisome line.  Of course I am also assuming, possibly incorrectly, that the two ‘it’s in this line refer to different things, namely the first ‘it’ refers to Beyonk, and the second refers to her finger.  I could be wrong, although neither the idea that if he liked Beyonce he should have put a ring around her middle, or the idea that if he liked her finger then he should have provided the digit with a ring seem feasible.  Of course there is the off chance that Beyonce is in fact deriding the fact that the man was unable to throw a hoop around a pole in order to win her affection, though that is perhaps too odd a conclusion to draw.

The next verse is a description of her current state, where she notes that she has adequately moisturised her lips with lip gloss, and that she is wearing a man on her hips (odd choice of clothing, even for a pop diva).  She also notes that she has drink, I’m assuming alcohol, and that she is behaving like a fool, but that she doesn’t really give a toss what it is that ‘you’ think.  I am assuming in this line that the ‘you’ refers to her ex-character rather than me personally, as I feel my critique is valued highly in the mind of Beyonk.  She also notes that she has no need of permission due to the fact that a chance has been squandered, further emphasising that there is no jurisdiction over her actions.  This verse is ended with a quite bitter declaration that Beyonce is going to punish her ex, by forcing him to feel regret for his actions, which is perhaps slightly childish, and moreover it is the work of a bully.

The reminder that her finger needed to be clothed in tat is now repeated further, also followed by the obligatory ‘wo-oh-oh’ing.

The last verse is hypocritically opened, for though Beyonk has spent the previous two choruses declaring the need for jewellery, she is now announcing that she has no need to be treated to material goods, ‘I’m not that kind of girl’, and that she instead desires affection.  Furthermore, what she ‘deserves’, in her opinion, is a man that will ‘make’ her, ‘take’ her, and finally ‘deliver’ her to her destiny, ‘to infinity and beyond’.  At first glance it may seem that what Beyonce desires is Buzz Lightyear working as a postman, but more worrying is the continued objectification of women that is rampant in the song.  In the chorus she repeatedly objectifies herself with the term ‘it’, juxtaposing this with an ‘it’ which refers to her finger, which then conveys that Beyonce is only as important as her own finger.  The desire for a man to ‘make’, ‘take’ and ‘deliver’ her removes all agency from Beyonce, who is then stuck in a passive role, once again emphasising her as an object, rather than a person.

The verse is closed then with Beyonce imploring a man to give her a cwtch, ‘say I’m the one you own’, which of course begs the question do you own your partner?  I was of the opinion that we were living in the 21^st Century and had left such unhealthy notions behind.  Maybe not, and Beyonce stresses that, if this claim wasn’t made then ‘you’ will be left all alone, and that Beyonce, now fully objectified, will disappear like a gossamer apparition, or in her words ‘like a ghost’.

The song is brought to its moribund close with further repetition of ‘all the single ladies’ and ‘put a ring on it’.

I think that, objectification of women aside, my main gripe with this song is both the ugly dancing that the video contains, and the idiotic choice of giving Beyonce a metal robot hand in said video.  In purely logical terms, it would be impossible to put a ring on that finger, for you have yourself clothed it with some sort of robotic exoskeleton, which would restrict the placement of a ring, due to it’s un-circular nature.  Maybe it was the man’s desire to ‘put a ring on it’ but he was unable to due to Beyonce’s frankly impractical choice of accessorisation.  Though maybe his inability to work around her unique hand-garments is the true reason for their break-up.

In summary:

All the music-buying public x7

Put your hands up.

 

I don’t like it and I want you to put a sock in it x7

Woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh.

**Lyrics provided by www.elyricsworld.com**