Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
Search for the Tiiru Inside Yourself
Narrator
Back into the bracken once more dear friends, for as they say, once you go bracken, you are sure to go back in. Sorry. Following the trajectory of the fallen ragdolls that are Stephen Teal nee Teal Mothra and Bludonna Snow, the group head into the undergrowth, the overgrowth and the throughgrowth. And the aroundgrowth. All of the growth, really. They follow the trail just as the 3 Wise Men followed the Baby Jesus as he fell from the sky on that fateful day many weeks ago. Let's just hope no one gets crucified at the end of this story. Although, that could be interesting. I am half tempted to go back and delete the mention of crucifixion from this opening monologue so it'd be more of a surprise when I do write that in. Oh well.
Boris: I'm not pleased to be back in this forest, I am more comfortable with wide-open snowy tundras, not this leafy nightmare.
Bevan: You can't be more surprised than me friend, when I signed up to be in this pirate story, I assumed we'd spend most of the time at sea, which is my default habitat, but this land-based arc has proven unexpectedly long, rumours have it that it was only mean't to run for roughly 5 weeks, and it's already been going for almost twice that.
Cnby: Bah! Quit your whining you impudent reggaemuffins, you should thank your fortuitous stars that some of the planned twists never came to be. Though the battle with the Agian Spider was certainly lengthier than we had expected, it means that other forest-based enemies will never reach broadcast.
Boris: But Captain, how can you possibly know that there are no more enemies to come in the forest? We are journeying back in at this very moment!
Cnby: Oh yes, I'd better not tell you about the footballing granny grey that I saw the plans for a couple of weeks ago then, just in case it gets used...
Bevan: A giant footballing granny grey? Really?
Cnby: Now, now, now! I never said it was giant Bevan, you are simply assuming that as with most of the monsters so far that it will be giant. And, of course, since this is an audio medium, it's impossible to work out just what 'Giant' means, does it mean generally huge, or just a lot bigger than is usual for whatever the 'giant' thing specifically is?
Bevan: You are avoiding the question Captain, tell us about this footballing granny grey! If you explain it here, it won't be possible to use it later, which will ensure that it doesn't attack us.
Cnby: Carmarthen Bevan, I knew there was a reason you are my right-hand man. Such a clever sausage when it comes to the ways of meta-scriptwriting and fourth-wall busting techniques. Perfect.
Boris: Okay, enough bum-guzzling you two, just explain about this monster.
Cnby: Well it was a mixture of a giant granny grey…
Boris: (interrupting) I knew it!
Cnby: And a known footballing individual from the future. Although probably from the past by the time three idiots from South Wales get around to committing this to the airwaves.
Bevan: Oh and let me guess, he'd be called Creepy Stan Crawliemore?
Boris: Sir Matt Bugsy?
Bevan: Mahmoud Armadillojad?
Cnby: That's not even a footballer! Or a granny grey!
Bevan: I'll have you know that woodlice are commonly known as Armadillo bugs, in the future.
Cnby: Still, that doesn't make Mahmoud Ahmadinajad.
Boris: No, but he is the 6th President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, which makes him a religious figure.
Cnby: Well, I don't see the correlation between being a footballer or being a religious figure!
Bevan: One day, everyone will.
Boris: So what was he really called?
Cnby: Wuud Van Nistelouse.
Bevan & Boris: Ergh.
Narrator
Meanwhile, not ridiculously far away from the grotesque insect + footballer's name punning of the crew, back in Digh-Dunniaets, a restless Doktor paces in his surgery, accompanied by Uh Nurse.
Doktor: I've been sitting on this bench for far too long.
Nurse: Why let them upset us? Faiseas let them be, they're imbeciles you see, they really do not matter.
Doktor: Cannonby is important, we've let him go his way before, while he is at Vinehaven's door, we theorise and chatter.
Nurse: He's just another tincture-glugging hack from open seas.
Doktor: The difference is he's the Captain, the difference frightens me! What about the Agians? When Cannonby comes to town, do you think they'll stand around, cheering and applauding? What about Teal Mothra? Now we've seen that he's evolved, shouldn't we get involved, I want to observe him.
Nurse: They'll get what they want, they think so, anyway. If wine's what they want, why take that joy away? It's a craze.
Doktor: Put yourself in my place, I can hardly step aside, cannot let my hands be tied, I am Doktor Li Faiseas. What about the priesthood? Don't you see that they could fall, if they approach Vinehaven's wall, the crew'll be annihilated.
Nurse: Then go and give then counsel, but don't rely on subtlety, frighten them, or they won't see.
Doktor: Then we are decided?
Nurse: Then we are decided.
Spider Narrator
Oho! What a remarkable turn of events! Two more contestants to enter the forest! Come back again next week, we'll rejoin the fun and frolics after the countdown!
Narrator
Are we really using the Agian Spider to close the episode every time now?
Spider Narrator
Oho! Not so fast Narrator, I am the outro now and always, ohohoho! Come back come back come back, more Cannonby next time!
*****
New Cannonby tomorrow, tune in if you can, www.rhonddaradio.com at 12 noon til 3pm.
Obviously if you can't, check out the podcasts on www.theacre.net.
Cheers.
@adamgilder
acrecomedy@gmail.com
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