Journal of Cannonby: Tiiru Mosura

Here at Provoking the Idea Dragon we like to bring you last week's Cannonby, today!

And so I do.

The script was read/played by:

Bevan: Me

Boris: Dafydd Evans

Narrator: Me

Cannonby: Ultra V

Spider: Ultra V

*****

Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby

Tiiru~ Mosura! Tiiru~ Mosura-yo!

BEVAN: Well that was an impractical palaver and no mistake.

BORIS: I hope I never have to go through such a fatal folderol again.

BEVAN: It was a phenomenal spectacle though, the likes of which this lagoon won't see again.

BORIS: Well, after the state the spider and the godzillapilla were left in after the thrashing they had from Teal, it'd be a miracle if they ever work in this town again.

BEVAN: Yes, it was quite the drubbing.

BORIS: So harsh was the ass-kicking, it would have made Kefka wince.

BEVAN: The sort of massacre that would make Sephiroth blush.

BORIS: It would've made Ultimecia pout.

BEVAN: It would've made Kuja and Garland break down and weep.

BORIS: The sort of bum-tanning that would shame Sin.

BEVAN: It was carnage that would have made Gabranth spit up his dinner.

BORIS: Of course, we can't continue with this string of comparisons that express how horrified various baddies from Final Fantasy games would be, because we've run out of Final Fantasies...

BEVAN: Well, unless it's pushed back again, Final Fantasy 13 will be out in the near future, so we're sure to return to FF based references, as the person who writes this story…

BORIS: Captain Cannonby…

BEVAN: Yes, because our dear Captain Cannonby absolutely loves his J-RPGs, he is a glutton for their shiny evil.

BORIS: Well as much as I look forward to that, I am still filled with a deep regret that the listeners couldn't be there for the battle, it would have been such a wonderful scene to have done.

Narrator

Boris and Bevan lie exhausted on the shoreline, the sanguinary carnage of what remains of the battle splintered around them. Now that his hit points have been reduced to zero, the godzillapilla has reverted to his basic katanapillar form, indicating that his evolution process is more like digimon than pokemon. During the battle, Teal managed to hit the big 'S' emblem on the spider's belt, like with the putty patrol off the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, do you remember that?, and all his legs came off and he died. Teal remains suspended gracefully in the evening sky, cradling Bludonna in his strong manly arms and doing figures of eight just to show off…

BORIS: (interrupting) Hay! What are you doing interrupting mid-flow, where the huff have you been? You have started every single Cannonby since it was founded way back in 2009, and now you have broke the sequence by being late!

Narrator

Well I was busy with other commitments Boris. Good gush! I narrate other things swell.

BORIS: Like what?

Narrator

Documentaries and stuff.

BORIS: What about Attenborough?

Narrator

He's really old now. If other people don't take over some of the work he's be inundated and drown in the flood of wildlife footage. I'm going to move the story on now if that's okay with you. (composes himself) Cannonby and ZX Ilfracombe…

BORIS: (interrupting) No it's not okay, I want to know what else you do…

Narrator

(insistent) Cannonby and ZX Ilfracombe

BORIS: What else do you?

Narrator

Cannonby and Ilfracombe

BORIS: What do?

Narrator

CANNONBY AND ILFRACOMBE! (breathing heavily)

(LEAVE AWKWARD GAP WHERE NARRATOR IS JUST BREATHING HEAVILY AND FUMING)

BORIS: What about them?

Narrator

*sigh* They have been freed from the lagoon using Teal Mothra's laser-face abilities and they are now making their way back to Boris and Bevan.

CNBY: What in the name of gush happened there? I was knocked out on a sticky web, surrounded by electronic eels!

BORIS: Well you've answered your own question there Captain.

CNBY: Don't chat back Boris, while I may be suffering from a serious concussion, I'm not concussed you know.

BEVAN: What?

CNBY: Well I am glad we're all back together again at long last! Even though it would have been but a moment for me since I was unconscious.

BORIS: Very astute of you Captain.

BEVAN: Why hasn't ZX said anything?

CNBY: He is clearly concussed!

BEVAN: You have become concussion obsessed.

CNBY: Concussobsessed!? There is no such word. Stop being such a stupid superstitious supercilious sausage!

BEVAN: Okey doke, sorry Captain.

CNBY: Hahaha! Fresh horses! Wait a minute, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird? Am I insane? NO!

BORIS: It's Teal Mothra.

CNBY: Teal. Mothra. Both of these words, separately I understand. Put them together and what do you got? Bippety bobbety boo!

BEVAN: Teal evolved into Teal Mothra, Captain.

CNBY: Like on Pokemon?

BEVAN: We are hoping it'll be more like Digimon really, where his wings'll disappear when he calms down. It'll just be more practical for the story.

CNBY: (sighing) Teal Mothra, eh? I am asleep for a few minutes...

BEVAN: (interrupting) It's more like a month when read out on the radio...

BORIS: And even longer if they are podcast listeners…

CNBY: And this is what's become of my story. A mass of niche gaming references, ridiculous morphing and evolution, and constant, weak self-reference. The Tales of Cannonby are better than this!

BEVAN: That is basically how it was before you were knocked out, Captain.

CNBY: Oh yes, I remember now. I must have been slightly concussed.

BORIS: Erm, I don't mean to interrupt but I think Teal's lost his wings. He's plummeting rapidly towards the tree-line.

CNBY: What a tool, I always told him, glide before you can fly Teal, but he wouldn't listen. He has a strong independent streak does that man. Pity he has to share it with an octnarwhal pup and a moth.

BEVAN: He seems to have landed far off, otherwise we'd have heard the crashing of trees and the snapping of branches etcetera.

BORIS: Yep, we'll have to go look for him, there are many dangers in this forest.

CNBY: Nonsense! I'm sure the forest is harmless. Let's go, ADVENTURE!

Narrator

Cannonby, with his Wolverine-like healing ability, is already back on his tootsies and ploughing onward into danger. The troupe turn and instantly resume their journey, as they head back into the forest to search for the crater which will contain Teal and Bludonna. What possible dangers…

BORIS: (interrupting) Oho! So you've got the time to do the conclusion link then have you?

Narrator

Look will please stop interrupting, Boris? It is very unprofessional of you.

BORIS: Well I think you should be fired. They like the Agian Spider more than they like you. I think he should do the intro and outro from now on!

Narrator

Don't be so ridiculous. He is dead.

SPID: Oho! But we don't want to give you that! Can you beat the eggheads? Come and see next week! If you were a type of Tales, what kind of Tales would you Cannonbwy?

*****

There you go. Hope you like it.

Here's a question for you, is 'fausty' a real word?

Get in touch: acrecomedy@gmail.com or @adamgilder.

Cheers.