Journal: The Remarkable Doings of Cannonby
Agian Spider! Again! Again!
Narrator
Och, crivens! As I sit here in my floating in my omnipresent floating bulb, which every narrator gets when they graduate from the Narratorium (narrator's school), I can survey the devastation below. And, oh! The devastation! Never before have I seen such a wretched catastrophe. Limbs and bodies litter the area, almost all of the main characters are dead, either having been killed by their friends, or by the exploding necklaces that were put on them when they were asleep. And if I stop watching Battle Royale and check in on Cannonby…
BORIS: Oh yes! Classic pull back and reveal!
Narrator
Thank you. A scene of similar carnage is playing out. The ranks of the crew has been systematically decimated by an Agian Spider; Cannonby lies unconscious in its web, harangued by the surrounding electronic eels, Stephen Teal is cocooned in a, well, in a cocoon and ZX Ilfracombe forwardslash Ivan Oleinme has been reduced to scrap by a log made of web. A web log. See what I was going for? Web log. Nick Clegg. Boris, Bevan and Bludonna have burst into the lagoonside, but can they do anything to stop the Again Spider!?!?
SNOW: Stupid spider, I'll do unto you as I did to the Master Chief!
BEVAN: What did you do to the Master Chief?
SNOW: I clubbed him of course!
BORIS: You should have seen that coming really…
BEVAN: Yes, it was slightly naive of me.
SNOW: Shut up while I prepare for battle!
BORIS: (shocked & overawed) Bludonna! You're putting on the famous battle-gag of your tribe, indicating that you will be going all-out in the upcoming battle…
BEVAN: Also ensuring that she will be rendered conveniently mute which'll make it easier to act out…
BORIS: (interrupting) Stop subverting the artistry!
BEVAN: Sorry, didn't mean to ruin the magic. Oh, she's off.
SPID: (sinisterly/threatening) Contestant, you will go on my first whistle!
**SPID/SNOW v/a makes far off grunting/exertion noises as though they are fighting throughout the next conversation.
BORIS: Waw-wee. Look at her go. Bludonna is so graceful when she is under the influence of the battle-gag. The gag takes away her sense of taste, which heightens her other senses, which is why she can run circles around the spider. Oh, it is like a wonderful dance!
BEVAN: She's just hitting him with a stick, like always. She's not even winning.
BORIS: (appalled) She is too winning!
BEVAN: The spider is just toying with her.
SPID: (gleefully) Ooh-vah-voo!
BEVAN: See.
BORIS: Oh cripey critters!
BEVAN: It is going to take some kind of miracle to save her from suffering the same fate as the others…
BORIS: Or at the very least some hugely unlikely event… Wait one limit breaking moment! Do you hear that noise?
BEVAN: What noise?
BORIS: It is the crunching rushing noise of a large creature ploughing madly through the forest.
BEVAN: I can't hear it.
BORIS: Well maybe you just aren't as attuned to the wilds as I am.
BEVAN: It's also possible that we don't have any sound effects and it would be slightly difficult to make the sort of noise you were describing.
BORIS: That is true. Then let me describe it to you further. It is the sound of sharp edges slashing through greenery, and of trees being crushed under a large mass. And it is coming this way! It is about to burst into our clearing!
BORIS& BEVAN: (surprised) AAARGH!
BORIS: It is the katanapillar we foolishly thought we had defeated earlier on.
KTNA: MADA IKKITEIMASU!
BORIS: It lives!
BEVAN: It looks pretty worse for wear though, it's acting really weird, (disbelieving) is it starting to glow?
BORIS: What!? Katanapillar is evolving!
SFX/Song: Evolving tune off of Pokemon: Blup blup blup blup blup blup blup-deedleydeedleydeedley dee!
BORIS: Congratulations! Your Katanapillar evolved into a Godzillapillar!
GDZ: (roars)
BORIS: Bloody Nora!
BEVAN: The Godzillapillar seems to be grappling with the Agian Spider! Bludonna had better get out of the way or she'll be crushed into a fine pate.
BORIS: You don't seem that surprised by the evolution.
BEVAN: Well if ridiculous creatures appear in almost every episode it's unsurprising that I'd become jaded.
BORIS: But this is a mix between a caterpillar will katanas for arms and Godzilla!
BEVAN: It's just contrived surrealism Boris, keep your knickerbockers on.
BORIS: Party-pooper!
GDZ: (roars)
SPID: Attention, will the owner of a green land rover come and make it stop!
BEVAN: Well at least Bludonna seems to have escaped.
BORIS: (excitedly) Where is she? Where? Where? I must know! Tell me Carmarthen Bevan!
BEVAN: Alright, (swearing) Jordi Cruijff. She's up there, she's climbed up in that massive tree.
BORIS: (like OMG) Oh Headmaster Cid! She is preparing to use the forbidden airborne technique 'The Club from Abub'! It has only ever been successfully performed once.
BEVAN: And what happened?
BORIS: Hiroshima and Nagasaki were wiped off the face of the floor.
BEVAN: I don't think that's what happened.
BORIS: How would you know, you've never visited Agia.
BEVAN: Oh, you mean the Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Agia, I thought you were talking about something else.
BORIS: No.
BEVAN: It's important that we are clear about that.
SNOW: PREPARE THE CLUB!
GDZ: (roars)
BORIS: Oh no! The godzillapillar has crashed into the tree
BEVAN: snapping the mighty wood in half
BORIS: and sending Bludonna hurtling through the air
BEVAN: and careening freefall to the ground
BORIS: and if someone doesn't save her
BEVAN: then she will be splat!
SPID: (delighted) Ohohoho! Ee-rah-noo indeed!
BORIS: Wait! What's that glow? (gasp) The cocoon!
Narratar
As Bludonna cartwheels toward the floor as though she is being controlled by a beautifully designed physics engine for testing rag-dolls, Boris and Bevan look on helplessly. But behind the grinning, psychotic Agian Spider a glow has begun to emanate from the very cocoon spun earlier, a cocoon which contains the body of Stephen Teal. What can this glow mean? Surely a glow alone can help no-one? Get back here sharpish next week, and we may all find out, in the next gripping extension of the Tales of Cannononononononoononby!
*****
The weekend's over now but there's still lots to plug.
There're new videos up at http://www.theacre.net on the Tube of We section.
And of course if you haven't already, it's worth, nay, compulsory for you to Subscribe to The ACRE Podcasts, which is where you'll find all of Cannonby's business.
Cheers all.
Gilder
@adamgilder
acrecomedy@googlemail.com
www.theacre.net
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