Democratic Damage

I remember that while in school I always found a lot of pleasure in dragging out strained analogies and comparisons for far longer than they should last. One such comparison occurred to me when I was failing to get to sleep on Saturday night, so I decided I would use it on Sunday's radio show, which is the last Sunday show we are doing for the foreseeable future. We are scaling back our volunteering operations to the Saturday show only, so that we can ensure that our show doesn't descend into barrel scraping tedium, and also freeing us up for sketch filming, or just having a normal day off.

The analogy I developed was one for explaining the current political party leaders in terms which I decided my co-presenters would understand and engage with. They aren't really politically ignorant, but it was good fun to antagonise them in the name of facetiously setting up this analogy. Back when Obama came into office I realised quite how similar he was to The Rock; the sound of his voice, his style of delivery, as well as aesthetic similarities. Even cheeky comparisons to being 'The People's Champion' can be drawn, as well as rehashing The Rock's catchphrase to 'If you smell what Barack is cooking'.

I applied this Politics=Wrestling Theory to the current British parties, and was surprised by quite how many tenuous links I could draw. I started off with the newly popular leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, who has gone quite some distance in shaking up the Tory-Labour dichotomy, and has become the 'trustworthy' face of British politics. The popularity he enjoyed after the first televised leader's debates was described as "Cleggmania", which I personally thought needed a vowel in the middle of. If we apply my vowelisation then it becomes Cleggamania, which is when I was reminded of Hulkamania, and it was then that this lengthy operation began.

Nick Clegg has a lot in common with Hulk Hogan. Both of their forenames have 4 letters in them, and similarly their surnames consist of 5. Could this possibly be mere coincidence? I think not. The 'cuh' noise in the middle of their names could lead to misunderstanding, where someone could believe that they were called 'Nick Legg' or 'Hull Cogan'. The similarities are undeniable!

Both men are heavily associated with the colour yellow, and have a type of 'mania' attached to their names. The 'Hulkamania' which Hogan enjoyed eventually died down, and to kickstart his career it was necessary for him to form a new stable, nWo, consisting of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. These two wrestlers were hugely dissimilar to Hogan, and yet they had to put their differences to the side in order to have any authority. The actual result of the May 6 election showed that Cleggmania isn't paying dividends in the current, useless, first past the post system, and it will be necessary for him to form a coalition, or at least an agreement with either Cameron or Brown in order to have any sort of sway over the future of politics. My only hope is that Clegg will adopt the methods of the nWo and have teams of Lib Dems interrupting various meetings and laying into other MPs with steel chairs. They could also take notes from Sting, who later joined the nWo, and during a meeting of Parliament they could have Vince Cable descend from the rafters on a rope and cause mayhem with a baseball bat.

The problem with the nWo/Con-Lib coalition comparison is that though Hogan was popular during that time he was still a 'bad' character, and so I hope Clegg doesn't keep his 'Hollywood' Nick Clegg persona for too long. Hogan eventually returned to his Hulkamania roots, and is rich and successful to this day.

The best thing Clegg could do is convince the Tories that he is willing to agree to a compromise, and then when it actually goes to a vote, rip his shirt in half (far easier than it was for Hogan due to buttons) give Cameron a weighty forearm smash and then finish him off with a big leg drop, before playing to the crowd using Hogan's famous cupping the ear gesture.

In contrast to Clegg's heroic wrestling persona, I see Gordon Brown as more of a Mick Foley person. Foley started wrestling out of a complete love of the thing, he once, as a teenager, skipped school, travelled across a number of states to see a huge event, where he saw Jimmy Snuka perform a body splash of the top of a steel cage. I know this because I have read Mick Foley's autobiography, but the details are sketchy because I read it many years ago.

Foley's first incarnation was as Cactus Jack, a slightly unhinged, but earthy, character who was no-nonsense and route one in his approach. Cactus Jack had a penchant for hardcore/no holds barred matches, I don't know what they are called nowadays, they are the matches where people get attached with bins and wood with nails in and the ropes are made out of barbed wire etc. Jack's finisher was the incredibly simple Double-Arm DDT, which is no-frills but gets the job done. I feel this covers Brown's time as Chancellor.

Foley then became the deranged Mankind. This transformation marked his passing into the big time (WWF/Prime Minister). Mankind wasn't overly popular, but he continued in the vein of no-nonsense hardcore wrestling, earning a reputation for being incredibly resilient. Mankind was the first wrestler ever to fall from the top of the Cell, from off've the Hell in a Cell match, crashing through an commentator's table as a result (a potent metaphor for Brown's lack of PR savvy). Mankind was constantly being bashed around by the Undertaker (Lord Mandelson), despite both having the whiff of the dark side, in fact it was the Undertaker himself (Lord Mandelson) who threw Mankind through the commentator's table.

When the script writers/spin doctors realised quite how unpopular and pathetic Mankind/Brown had become they changed tack, and focused on making him/him popular with viewers/voters. It is during this time that Foley became Dude Love, and the new hippiesque positivity and cheerfulness that was forced upon him was unnatural, sinister and wrong. Same goes for Gordon.

In his final incarnation, Foley wrestled under his actual name, Mick Foley, and he seemed far more at ease and became incredibly popular for being eccentric, slightly deranged and cute, in a torn and worn teddy bear sort of way. Brown did get back to what he was good at towards the end of the campaign, but probably too little too late to make the difference. Although if he agrees to get David Cameron in a Mandible Claw I would definitely reconsider my politics.

Cameron is William Regal, a floppy jellybaby man fighting above his ability, unable to escape his posh caricature and eager to go for the low blow and then feign innocence. I wonder if my political tendencies show up in this blog.

I'm not really familiar with the other prominent party members but going on what little I have seen of them, Ed Balls is Kurt Angle;

the Milibands are Kaientai;

Lord Mandelson is the Undertaken (as we have established);

and Lord Adonis is Scotty 2 Hotty, because neither live up to their names.

Nick Griffin troubled me for awhile, it was tied between either Henry Godwin (for his backwards-hickness) or the Iron Sheik, because he'd hate that. I also considered making him Big Daddy Shirley but while the fatness, the ugliness and the Britishness all made sense, Big Daddy is a beloved character, while Griffin is scum. Eventually I realised he was only ever going to be Paul Bearer:

Caroline Lucas is Gregory "Hurricane" Helms.

It would be in bad taste to compare Nigel Farage to Owen Hart, so I won't. Although by pointing out that I haven't pointed it out I have, in fact, pointed it out. I don't really want to make light of Owen Hart's accident, so I won't.

Politics is basically Wrestling without the athleticism. Admit it.

*Update.

Since posting this originally I have gone back and added the photographs. In the intervening time (an hour tops) Gordon Brown has stepped down as the leader of the Labour party. I'm not saying this blog is responsible, but if Gordon turns up in a squared circle near you then you know who's responsible. Me.

Mousemats, Traffic and Politics

While in work today I noticed the shiny new mousemats that the centre have forked out for. Their shinyness is worth commenting upon, for they are noticably shiny. However, each individual computer in the cybercafe is attached to an LED mouse, so having a mousemat, especially one that is shiny and dimpled, makes using the computer harder. These are the petty niggles which rule my days.


I also discovered writ large upon the back of the mousemats that they are 'indestructible under normal use'. That is a quality I really look for in my mousemats. Indestructibility. This mousemat is surely the Superman of the mousemat race.


There is a stretch of road between my house and work, which is handy otherwise I would live in my workplace. HAHAHAHAHA.


There is a stretch of road between my house and work which is being given a new layer of cement or whatever it is the government have to feed the road to sate the fury of the road. It resents being driven on.


This re-tarmacking is a nuisance as it causes a huge traffic jam due to the inevitable bottle-necking. I appreciate that this is unavoidable and that the cement people (people who cement, not people made out of cement) are doing us proud and keeping us safe by spreading more molten rock on the road, but I was slightly put out by it so I feel I have the right to lash out mindlessly on the internet. And I do.


In the traffic jam I nobly allowed a gargantuan cement truck to merge from a junction and go in front of me in the queue which was snailing its way forward. This was fine, I didn't feel threatened or encroached upon by the colossal truck, the tailgate of which was, at some points, almost hovering over my head. This all changed, however, when an ambulance and a police car tried to force their way through the gridlocked throng.


Again, I appreciate that the amblumance people (purposeful mispelling) and the po-po were on their way to assist in an important matter, such as to apprehend a thief who had stolen a vulnerable person's heartbeat and to re-instate said heartbeat into the vulnerable person. I momentarily forgot what the other emergency service was. Fire engines.


So I was slightly intimidated and befuddled by being jammed behind a cement truck with an angry looking amblumance man glowering at me. I would like to say to that amblumance worker; "I am not Inspector Gadget. My car cannot perform physics-defying transformations. Suck it".


It is good to see that the country is still basically functioning even though all the leaders have taken time off to go and win a popularity contest.


I am particularly galled by the Conservative 'policy' which will run a project called 'School Stars' which is essentially X-Factor in schools. I would stick my neck out and say this is a bad idea. We already have X-Factor, it is called X-Factor and it is on the television and it is cackworthy shite. Surely running that sort of project can't be a political policy? That's not going to solve anything.


How do we solve the problems? GARY BARLOW WITH KIDS!! Excuse me? GARY BARLOW WITH TEH KIDDEZ!!


It's an odd one though, I don't oppose the putting of kids on stage in a competitive form. I have fond (if occasionally bitter) memories of the various Eisteddfodau that I partook of as a child. But I think the main difference between these and 'School Stars' (apart from the obvious cynical political manipulation that is inherent in it) is that the Eisteddfod's scope is huge, with events including oration, singing, musical recital, dancing, with the main focus being on writing. I think the focus on writing is an admirable thing, I feel that writing is implicitly more creative than singing. But I suppose I would say that, I love writing. In fact, I am writing right now. While I acknowledge that singing well is a talent and not an easy thing, I feel the individuality and creativity needed for things such as writing, composing etc makes efforts in those fields more valuable, and I feel it is something of a pity that singers can make a fortune simply rehashing other people's creations. MAKE SOMETHING NEW.


The consensus seems to be that Nick Clegg won the recent debate, which of course means that he did. I don't know who I'll vote for at this point as I haven't yet taken the time to research any party's manifesto, but I feel that if the Lib Dem's can build on this burst of popularity that would be a positive thing. From an incredibly selfish point of view I would welcome them coming to power if they stay true to their pledge of scrapping tuition fees. I think if that happened I'd go back to University. Which is reason for everyone to vote Lib Dem.


These are the policies they should be leading with! Nick Clegg says he'll put Gilder back in Uni!


I suppose what we'll find out in the next couple of weeks is whether voters would prefer to see kiddies played off against each other a la X-Factor, or if they'd rather see them in University.


I'd usually be pessimistic about it, but we must bear in mind that we did get Rage Against the Machine to number one.


As a short P.S. The sight of George Osborne still makes me retch. That is all.