V - Suitable for Vegetarians, Contains 520kcal per 800 words

Every couple of months I get intrigued by the calorie system, though this phase is largely short lived, and has little impact upon my eating habits.  I have a similar interest in whether foodstuffs are suitable for vegetarian consumption, though I have no interest in forgoing meat (though it is not hugely present in my diet regardless)(because chicken isn’t meat).

 

One of my all time favourite ‘suitable for vegetarians’ style products are the Walkers crisps which are flavoured like meat (supposedly).  It is good of Walkers to have their eye out for the masochistic vegetarian market (“Don’t kill the animals, but I want the taste of them”).  I know if I ever turned veggie I would end up living on blackberry squash, beans and chips and jam sandwiches.  Which in all honesty, wouldn’t be a huge lifestyle overhaul.  Though I haven’t had a jam sandwich in quite awhile, for I am wary of bits.

 

It is of interest to me then that the chip, my favoured foodstuff, offers hugely differing calorie counts if they are prepared in different ways.  Topping the offered calorie chart is frying, with preparing them in the oven scoring slightly lower and grilling providing the least.  The most interesting part of the chart though, is the one where they tell you how many calories 100g of chips contains should you decide for whatever reason to eat them in their uncooked frozen state.

 

I was suitably foxed by this information.

 

It turns out that the ‘healthiest’ (in terms of least calories) way to eat 100g of chips is to eat them without cooking them.  Which then drives me to ask the questions: what sort of calorie counting nut would eat chips from frozen?  Is there really someone who cares enough about roughly 40 calories that they would decide that it was of more value not to cook them at all?

 

If that person is you, seek psychological aid.

 

I am currently cooking, which perhaps informs my foodstuff-based line of inquiry, and for the sake of interest I will tot up the amount of calories that this one meal will amount to (remember, I am of the computer-gaming generation, so the more points the better, that’s how it works).

 

My meal consists of:

 

Chips (in the oven, I’m not mental) – 200

Chicken-thing (a burger not a penis) – 300

Tortilla wraps (2 (suitable for vegetarians and for freezing)) – 200

Tomato Ketchup – 20

 

Bearing in mind that two wraps are equivalent to the entire portion of chips, I think they are being omitted from this particular meal, as they essentially provide only a messy and unconventional alternative to a fork, and if I wanted that I would use chopsticks, notably chopsticks also have a very low calorie count, especially when compared to the scarily high count of the wraps.

I am also drinking diet coke during this meal, which claims to have less than 1 calorie per can, but I can be fairly certain that it is less than wholesome in some other, unspoken way.

 

I have also added some vinegar to the meal, for though there is no calorific information of the bottle I am going to risk it.

 

Differing accounts of just how many calories you are ‘allowed’ a day renders the activity of ‘calorie counting’ even more spurious, with some sources claiming that around 1200 is advisable, and on the other end of the scale people advocating 2500.

 

This one meal I am having comes to roughly 520ish, rounding up the cooked statistics, and rounding down the diet coke, and bearing in mind that I will eat a smaller meal of perhaps spaghetti or noodles later in the day I should be well below my calorie intake.  But I am quite a large gentleman.

 

Of course I am offering you only a very select example of what it is I eat, and I am factoring out pub meals, Chinese take away, chocolate, fruit pastilles, crisps, biscuits, alcohol, bread, chocolate cake, pop, tortilla wraps and jaffa cakes which I often find myself partaking of.

 

 I doubt I will go on a calorie counting odyssey, though I am going to opt out of some of the more fanciful delights I have been enjoying recently (the oh so hedonistic tortilla wraps).

 

Between me and St David I pledge to forgo tortilla wraps and other frivolous things, and my brilliant plan for eating less is, get this right, it’s a brilliant plan, I will eat things slower, thus savouring more of the taste, thus needing to eat less.  Brilliant, I bet Paul McKenna feels like an idiot now.  With his stupid hypnotist face.

 

Though eating things slower is an unrivalled plan of brilliance, I would guess that some exercise wouldn’t go amiss.

 

Alright stop nagging me, I will do some exercise as well.

 

Bullies.

**

I have since finished my meal, which was tedious and satisfying.  I think perhaps I will compose a blog during all my meals, which would be constructive, and would stop me thinking about food.  However it is likely that a rise in the frequency of blog-writings would mean a decline in quality.  And I simply couldn't allow a drop of quality, not after the truly top notch quality you have come to expect from me.  I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.  And neither would St David, who for some reason is now a bastion of good opinion.

Let it be known that for every bar of chocolate you eat, the baby St David cries.