Meanwhile, however, a group of people were believed to be homing in on TLBJ™'s position. These were two distinct groups of people. The first group were shepherds, who'd been tipped off by an angel. From this we can deduce that this is now firmly a work of fiction, but nevertheless we shall continue. The second group were the Three Wise Men. Widely reported as having come from The East, these were three educated, worldly and rich fellows. They had been travelling far longer than the shepherds, having come all the way from The East, and rather than following the instructions of angels, these three were following a bright star. This may not sound like the actions of Wise men but you are underestimating the brightness of the star. Boy, was that star bright. Also, it must have been a Wise thing to do, because they are the Three Wise Men. This is known as a tautology, which in logical dialogue is a negative, but in Biblical thinking is a virtue. Also, when it is said that they were following the star, I don't think it is meant that they were using it to navigate by, as the story was told to me the star was actually leading them like an astronomical will-o-the-wisp. I'm not an astronomer, but I'm fairly certain that would be considered fairly kooky behaviour for a star to be engaging in, what with them being so far away and a lump of unconscious matter and all. Stars aren't known for their interest in human affairs, let alone feeling it imperative to lead three gentlemen to a baby in a stable.
However, I will allow for all this magick, and continue with the story.
Following the star, the Three Wise Men are led to TLBJ™. They have brought gifts for the infant, one each. These gifts were Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, which are all fairly unconventional gifts, although the usefulness of gold is readily apparent. That is a Bloody Good Gift™. The Three Wise Men burst dramatically through the stable wall with a Jeet Kune Do flying kick, and doing headstands the three lay their offerings at foot of the manger, wherein lay TLBJ™.
Why did they do this? Who did they believe TLBJ™ to be?
They believed that He was the son of God. They believe that He is the King of the Jews, the redeemer, the Holy One, the Dude. It is with that conviction that they travelled so far, all the way from The East remember, and brought their thoughtful gifts.
They partied late into the night, and the second wise man really impressed with his bodypopping skills, that he had developed in The East. The next day, presumably, the Three Wise Men went home, and were never heard from again.
TLBJ™ grew up to be Jesus Cruijff, a carpenter. He was raised by his earthly parents, Mary and Joseph, presumably in an amount of poverty and hardship. No account is given of what the family did with the gold, frankincense or the myrrh. Presumably even a modest amount of these would have made a significant difference to the life of this little family, but nothing is said of it again. Perhaps Joseph had a nasty gambling habit, or Mary may have pissed it up the wall at the local tavern.
However, it is the Three Wise Men themselves that really bother me. These three were wealthy, educated and driven, after all, they had travelled far, from The East, in order to meet with TLBJ™. They believed this child to be the son of god, and yet after some preliminary gifts they bugger off for the rest of his life. Surely they must have had a vested interest in educating the child, raising him out of a life of poverty and hard work, ensuring that he lived healthy and well? He's the son of god for Cruijff's sake! Of course, I shouldn't question their wisdom, for how could they do something unwise, being Wise as they were?
So they disappear, taking no further part in the story, and Jesus grows up exactly the same as he would had he never been visited by Three Wise Men. It's almost as though the Christmas story was a standalone tale not meant to fit into the overall ark of His life story, almost as if this story of His birth was a Frankincense's Monster stitched together from the body parts of older messiah birth tales. I use the term 'almost' inaccurately there, what I really mean is that is exactly what this story is.
However, as we are often told, we have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. With all the magickal sillies pulled out of the yarn, here is the true meaning of Christmas: A baby was born in a barn, and some people went to see him. That's a pretty naff meaning of Christmas. For it to really mean anything in a religious sense it has to be replete with all the magick, one dimensional characters and gaping plot-holes.
Luckily, Wintertime celebrations did not begin with the Jesus cult. As with so much in Christianity, Christmas is simply a re-tooling of something that already existed. But if we aren't celebrating the given bornness of TLBJ™, then what are we celebrating? Well, in the Winter, it is pretty dark, cold and miserable, atmospherically speaking. My impression is that at some point people started flicking the bird to the weather, saying "it is cold, it is dark and it is miserable, but I am with the people who matter to me, and I am going to be a cheerful fudge, even if it kills me".
Of course, in some parts of the world it isn't cold and miserable on Christmas, so I don't know what they're happy about. Oh, wait...
I like time off work. I like getting presents. I like spending time with friends and family. I think it's very important to have times set aside to reflect and recharge, to consider your life, and perhaps make modifications to the path you may have been hurtling down over the course of simply living through the rush of life. I even like silly stories, but not when they are taken seriously. I don't need a seriously silly story to justify the things that popularly make up Christmas, I think the holiday stands on its own merits, mysticism aside.
