Credit Cunts

It has been about a week since I was attacked.  I’ve left it this long, probably out of a desire to let it settle, and not to write something fatuous while the event was still foremost in my head.

  

I was walking home from a gig with my friend, around midnight, and we were planning on getting something to eat on the way home.  We were enjoying what had been one of the better nights out we have had in an area which is renowned for being crap.

  

Whilst waiting outside the shop, we were accosted by a pair of apes, though it is likely that they are unfamiliar with the term ‘accost’.  We were treated to such gripping dialogue as:

  

“Which one of you is driving then?” and “Where are the house parties?”

  

Now given that both me and my friend were on foot, and it was midnight on a Thursday, both of these questions contain assumptions that were incorrect, which would’ve been an impressive persuasive linguistic technique, if the person who uttered it didn’t look as though he was about to drop to all fours and howl at us.  It is perhaps unfair to suggest that this particular individual and his goon had been left out of several evolutionary steps through the generations, but they had nevertheless further retarded this process with as much alcohol as they could find.

  

I would very much like to suggest that alongside an age requirement for alcohol consumption there should also be a mandatory intelligence set where people who are of questionable intellect should be banned from consumption.

  

I would like to point out at this time that these individuals were not disadvantaged in any way, they were good old fashioned thick as shit.  Though in recent times it is in vogue to bemoan those who are a danger to themselves, I must stress that these thoughtless twats are a danger to other people, which is significantly worse.

  

Now, I would describe myself as a person who is quite outspoken and I also have quite strong views on a number of contentious topics.  It is masochistically amusing therefore to be physically assaulted, not because of my beliefs, but for a bag of chips.  It is doubly crazy that I was also carrying my friend’s guitar at the time, and yet in these financially difficult times it is the basic sustenance option which these oiks opted for.

  

The injuries that I sustained from this were purely physical and luckily not hugely serious, though I can’t hold out much hope that the two bastards who attacked us will get caught, even though the police have been incredibly helpful, though the process was an incredibly tedious one.

  

Though you do get to see some quite shameless and gutsy individuals when you are made to wait two hours in the reception of a police station.  One notable fellow admitted to breaking and entering, and then proceeded to report that he had been assaulted.  Now I don’t claim to have Holmesian knowledge of crime but surely that is still him in the wrong?  There were also no physical signs of an assault, which was particularly aggravating as I sat about a foot away from him looking for all the world like I had the face of Quasimodo.  Brazen, barefaced behaviour, what a dubious prick.  On my way out of the police station later on there was also a woman who seemed to be reporting the same story from the other angle, I had slightly more compassion for her, it may be slightly cold to hope that she hit him with something hard, but I think I would do something similar if a slimy shit snuck into my house.

  

There’s very little chance the two men who attacked us will get caught, we didn’t know them and were only able to give a superficial description of them, and to be fair they do have the most effective urban camouflage, that is, the fact that they are a pair of cunts in a town of cunts.  It’d be like looking for shit in a toilet bowl, you are guaranteed to find some, but there’s no way of knowing if it’s the shit you’re looking for.

  

Perhaps it was slightly ill conceived to have built the final metaphor around investigating faeces.  Too late now.

V - Suitable for Vegetarians, Contains 520kcal per 800 words

Every couple of months I get intrigued by the calorie system, though this phase is largely short lived, and has little impact upon my eating habits.  I have a similar interest in whether foodstuffs are suitable for vegetarian consumption, though I have no interest in forgoing meat (though it is not hugely present in my diet regardless)(because chicken isn’t meat).

 

One of my all time favourite ‘suitable for vegetarians’ style products are the Walkers crisps which are flavoured like meat (supposedly).  It is good of Walkers to have their eye out for the masochistic vegetarian market (“Don’t kill the animals, but I want the taste of them”).  I know if I ever turned veggie I would end up living on blackberry squash, beans and chips and jam sandwiches.  Which in all honesty, wouldn’t be a huge lifestyle overhaul.  Though I haven’t had a jam sandwich in quite awhile, for I am wary of bits.

 

It is of interest to me then that the chip, my favoured foodstuff, offers hugely differing calorie counts if they are prepared in different ways.  Topping the offered calorie chart is frying, with preparing them in the oven scoring slightly lower and grilling providing the least.  The most interesting part of the chart though, is the one where they tell you how many calories 100g of chips contains should you decide for whatever reason to eat them in their uncooked frozen state.

 

I was suitably foxed by this information.

 

It turns out that the ‘healthiest’ (in terms of least calories) way to eat 100g of chips is to eat them without cooking them.  Which then drives me to ask the questions: what sort of calorie counting nut would eat chips from frozen?  Is there really someone who cares enough about roughly 40 calories that they would decide that it was of more value not to cook them at all?

 

If that person is you, seek psychological aid.

 

I am currently cooking, which perhaps informs my foodstuff-based line of inquiry, and for the sake of interest I will tot up the amount of calories that this one meal will amount to (remember, I am of the computer-gaming generation, so the more points the better, that’s how it works).

 

My meal consists of:

 

Chips (in the oven, I’m not mental) – 200

Chicken-thing (a burger not a penis) – 300

Tortilla wraps (2 (suitable for vegetarians and for freezing)) – 200

Tomato Ketchup – 20

 

Bearing in mind that two wraps are equivalent to the entire portion of chips, I think they are being omitted from this particular meal, as they essentially provide only a messy and unconventional alternative to a fork, and if I wanted that I would use chopsticks, notably chopsticks also have a very low calorie count, especially when compared to the scarily high count of the wraps.

I am also drinking diet coke during this meal, which claims to have less than 1 calorie per can, but I can be fairly certain that it is less than wholesome in some other, unspoken way.

 

I have also added some vinegar to the meal, for though there is no calorific information of the bottle I am going to risk it.

 

Differing accounts of just how many calories you are ‘allowed’ a day renders the activity of ‘calorie counting’ even more spurious, with some sources claiming that around 1200 is advisable, and on the other end of the scale people advocating 2500.

 

This one meal I am having comes to roughly 520ish, rounding up the cooked statistics, and rounding down the diet coke, and bearing in mind that I will eat a smaller meal of perhaps spaghetti or noodles later in the day I should be well below my calorie intake.  But I am quite a large gentleman.

 

Of course I am offering you only a very select example of what it is I eat, and I am factoring out pub meals, Chinese take away, chocolate, fruit pastilles, crisps, biscuits, alcohol, bread, chocolate cake, pop, tortilla wraps and jaffa cakes which I often find myself partaking of.

 

 I doubt I will go on a calorie counting odyssey, though I am going to opt out of some of the more fanciful delights I have been enjoying recently (the oh so hedonistic tortilla wraps).

 

Between me and St David I pledge to forgo tortilla wraps and other frivolous things, and my brilliant plan for eating less is, get this right, it’s a brilliant plan, I will eat things slower, thus savouring more of the taste, thus needing to eat less.  Brilliant, I bet Paul McKenna feels like an idiot now.  With his stupid hypnotist face.

 

Though eating things slower is an unrivalled plan of brilliance, I would guess that some exercise wouldn’t go amiss.

 

Alright stop nagging me, I will do some exercise as well.

 

Bullies.

**

I have since finished my meal, which was tedious and satisfying.  I think perhaps I will compose a blog during all my meals, which would be constructive, and would stop me thinking about food.  However it is likely that a rise in the frequency of blog-writings would mean a decline in quality.  And I simply couldn't allow a drop of quality, not after the truly top notch quality you have come to expect from me.  I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.  And neither would St David, who for some reason is now a bastion of good opinion.

Let it be known that for every bar of chocolate you eat, the baby St David cries.