E-Recycling

I thought I would celebrate the passing of another milestone, (a dubious milestone of 40 posts), I thought I would be lazy and plunder my own archives in order to pull a blog out of the past. This is my first true burst of blogs, though I did post an interesting (possibly) blog on MySpace, when it was still acceptable to be there. Technically this blog may not actually be serviceable, and it certainly is in a less sophisticated style than I am able to command now, boo-yah, but I feel it is, at the very least, interesting.

The story I tell in this piece came about when I had my face brutally wounded by an umbrella-swipe to the face, it is the farcical lies to explain away the scratch as something more epic.

The piece has been left mostly unaltered, though I have corrected the spelling. I was in the sixth form when I wrote this, so, from the distant mirk of Monday, February 20th 2006, here is my recycled tale:

Many people have asked me how I came about the scar which has appeared beside my eye awhile ago, and so to help everyone out I have decided to publish the official explanation.

It was a Tuesday when I decided that I would journey down the adventurous highway of the M4 to our fair capital city's airport, and depart on an exciting journey to the land known only as Japan.

The flight was eventful enough, but that is a tale for another time....

Upon landing in Tokyo I decided to take a stroll down one of the madly busy streets therein. There were many shops including a shop completely for the machines that you put money in and turn and a crappy ball with a crappy toy pops out, you know the ones, and also a shop where whack-a-mole machines went 360° on the walls. This trip was also eventful but is, again, a tale for another time.

I made my way to a shop which had piqued my interest. This was a smithy, stocked wall-to-wall with gleaming katanas. I decided that it was my destiny to purchase such a treasure, and so I persuaded the smithy, named Hakuya to allow me one of the aforementioned blades. I strode out of the smithy with a manic grin on my face. Little did I know that the blade I had come into possession of had bestowed upon me godlike skill in the bushido arts.

I proceeded back down main-street and embarked on an insane killing spree, visiting bloody death upon our eastern cousins. My love for the Japanese could not stop my manic fury.

Soon, I was brought down by a rag-tag band of heroes (as is customary in Japan) and I was shipped out via stealth fighter to a remote province of China which will remain unnamed. It is my belief that the Japanese had ulterior motives in shipping me there, deeply rooted political reasons.

Upon being dumped in the backwater wasteland that was this region of China I was struck unconscious. When I came to I regarded my surroundings with awe and shock. I was in a Panda's Nest. Never before have human eyes fell upon the legendary nest of the vicious giant pandas of China. Suddenly, 3 Panda's began hatching from their black and white spotted eggs. The newborn pandas were among the most brilliant things I have ever seen. I named them Kawaii, Mugen and Jonas.

Suddenly the nest was surrounded by a vicious horde of urchins, armed to the teeth with ridged bamboo weapons they planned on killing the pandas ironically with blades shaped from their source of food. I drew my hallowed blade and smote the grungy urchins where they pranced.

Although I was swift with my protection only two of the pandas were saved, my blade was too docile for Jonas to live. There and then I swore to spend my life travelling China, Japan, Thailand and surrounding lands honing my skill so I could one day be powerful enough to protect pandas everywhere.......

With my pandas at my side I am invincible........

This version of events differs from the spoken version as a published edition may cause slight offense to certain parties (such as orphans/pandas and Godzilla).

No pandas were harmed in the retelling of this tale....... the same cannot be said of urchins........

*****

I am quite proud of the way this story was told, though I wish I had written more of the 'tales for another time' since now I have no idea what they were. Similarly I have utterly forgotten what I said during verbal editions of this story. Ah well, you live and lose, some things are better left lost.

The idea of panda nests makes me smile, even now.

In three and a half years since this blog first saw the light of a computer screen I have grown up not a jot. All hail to the panda samurais.